I wonder if he could be slowly slipping into a mild midlife type of depression. Does he have a lot on self discipline, ambition, drive? It does not sound like it to me. If I had the time to got work out at the gym several times a week, I’d be there. Someone who goes for a few weeks then stops sounds like a person without much purpose or ambition. Also confirms what Honeypot said about him leaving during the summer.
I also get the impression you are the driver in the family, which seems apparent by your training, getting a new job AND trying to keep the house in order, cleaned up, etc. That is very admirable. The problem is that this creates something of a martyr complex in you. If you do all these things because you want to, because you love doing the work, the cleaning, whatever, just for yourself, then his sitting around wouldn’t bother you. But it does and you are growing resentful, right? Don’t do too much on the expectation of receiving gratitude from your H, especially if he feels left behind. In fact, the more you do, the more he feels left behind.
Again, what can you do to empower him, to give him back some control, some purpose? He may have a hard time responding to this, if he is already depressed. It might help if you tell him everything you have stated here. He will understand you weakness, your vulnerability, your need for help.
Some men think they would like to have a “superwoman” for a wife, that is until they really get one. Then they come to fully understand what that means, how that “superwoman” can take over their lives, and they are not so happy about it. But the catch is that for him to feel better, he needs to get off his duff and do something. Right now things are too easy and convenient for him. Why clean the house of anything else if you’ll do it for him? But until he does things for himself, he will stay depressed. Your actions, which you do out of love, are actually undercutting his sense of manhood. So rather than doing something good for him, you are indirectly hurting him. Do you see the cycle?
I am not making excuses for him, because this is also his doing. But I believe this is one of the ways men fall into a midlife crisis. They lose purpose, lose control, don’t help themselves, and then at a certain point they blow up and leave. There are plenty of reasons to pin the blame on you, but ultimately it is their fault. You can stop this before it goes any farther, but I think it could become serious at some point in the future.
WOW Cobra you gave me a whole lot to think about. You are right on the money with A LOT of things you said.
Cobra I am resentful because I feel tired lately. I am somewhat of a perfectionist so it bothers me to leave the house all messy. Today I am trying something new....I have done some of the cleaning but left half. I have told him that I would like for him to help do the rest.But I just feel like I am always always running. I don't want gratitude from him for the things I do. What I really want is for him to take pride in our home and family and step up and do more.
What ways do you think I could help in giving him purpose? It is possible he could depression. He just seems like he has zero drive about anything. I have tried to let him take over some of the finaces. What happened.....he simply wasn't paying them. But I stuck to my guns and I think he is finally getting it. That wife isn't going to work and pay for everything while I just squander my check. I did this when he seperated our finances.
Why don't you start by talking to him about everything discussed here, what you feel, what you want, and then ask and LISTEN to everything he says. He knows full well what is bothering him. You need to find a way to get it out of him. If he isn't talking, there is a reason for it. Ask him what that reason is.
I will try that this weekend and try to talk to him. The that that always irls me the most is his silence. Even when asked he is usually silent. It's like dealing with a child doing the silent treatment. His father is this way to. You won't ever catch him talking about his feelings whether it be grief or fear or anything. His father always down plays things to like it's no big deal.
If I can just maybe come across as caring? And wanting to make things better for him? For us? Maybe he would open up. The thing I will have to remember most is...if he gives the silent treatment to just shut up and walk away. That is when I get angry and say very mean things out of anger.
I bought an ebook called “The women Men Adore… And Never Want to Leave” by Bob Grant (www.relationshipheadquarters.com). I summarized some of the main points I thought were important:
• Women are the heart of the relationship and men are the head. • When a woman makes a man feel good, he will not leave her. • A woman who demands tons of respect makes it hard for her husband to cherish her. • A woman must be able to trust a man to the same degree she gives up power to him and the man must let the woman have influence over him. • Women assume men are clueless to their needs but men acutely feel the woman’s pain and want to fix it. If the woman doesn’t let him do this, he shuts down. • Women see the man’s fixing as being insensitive since they really want someone to hear them out. Women need to let men fix and men need to listen. • Men like to give, so women shouldn’t criticize if they don’t like what he gives, otherwise he will shut down. Accept it, build his confidence and over time teach him what you want. • Men want to be trusted, but they earn this through consistency of action, not words. • Women are emotionally stronger within than men. They keep their heart open, but when wounded, heal faster. • Men keep a metal shield around their heart and play a game of whose metal is stronger. When women try to play this game they get hurt. Women should not compete with men. Men go into combat mode and don’t know why the woman got hurt.
Cobra...some of those seem very old fashioned. Okay, LOL my husband's father is very old fashioned. Sometimes it drives me crazy. But he picks and choses where HE see's fit.
Like the woman needs to give up power....and the man just lets the woman influence him. But she has to give up power? My FIL strongly feels the man is head of house. He qoutes biblical all the time. I told him once it is also biblical for the woman to stay in the home and take care of home and husband. Your wife worked almost all of your marriage so how is that biblical. He got all defensive and said that was her choice. Now he is one that feels to a woman should do all the cleaning and cooking and everything. He did nothing to help her all those years. He would walk away from the table and leave his plate for her to clear.
So then the one where if a woman demands to much respect makes it hard for a man to cherish is a rough one. I don't want more respect I want it to be equal. Like I work just as hard outside the home so he helps out of respect. Even though I am working I don't see anymore respect then when I was a SAHM. So that's a tough one for me to think I would have to give up wanting respect for him to cherish me.
Cobra...some of those seem very old fashioned. Okay, LOL my husband's father is very old fashioned. Sometimes it drives me crazy. But he picks and choses where HE see's fit.
Like the woman needs to give up power....and the man just lets the woman influence him. But she has to give up power? My FIL strongly feels the man is head of house. He qoutes biblical all the time. I told him once it is also biblical for the woman to stay in the home and take care of home and husband. Your wife worked almost all of your marriage so how is that biblical. He got all defensive and said that was her choice. Now he is one that feels to a woman should do all the cleaning and cooking and everything. He did nothing to help her all those years. He would walk away from the table and leave his plate for her to clear.
So then the one where if a woman demands to much respect makes it hard for a man to cherish is a rough one. I don't want more respect I want it to be equal. Like I work just as hard outside the home so he helps out of respect. Even though I am working I don't see anymore respect then when I was a SAHM. So that's a tough one for me to think I would have to give up wanting respect for him to cherish me.
My wife said basically the same thing when she skimmed through the book. But the book isn’t about what she wants, its about what men want. She says she wants to understand me, but when I tell her, she basically tells me I should not want what I want, that instead I should want something else, something SHE would like for me to want. Invariably that is something to fill a void in her. So I don’t see that as my problem, but hers.
And there is the problem, right? What men want may not be want women want to provide and vice versa. The work is in finding a compromise. This is what gets lost on my wife. She is not good at compromise. Her control issues are too strong. But if she can ever lower her walls, she might find that what she really wants are some of the things I would like to provide (and vice versa).
If some of this is offensive to you, I’d do a quick inventory check to see which ones are triggering your defenses and which ones (if any) are truly sexist. Wish I could tell my wife this…
Cobra....I guess just the ones I mentioned I feel are old fashioned. But I agree with almost all of them. I also strongly agree that men and women are very different. Often times women want men to act like they do or feel like they do and that is just never going to happen. Women should not expect that.
This weekend I just didn't get a chance to talk to him. Nor did I feel it was a good time. Because I was kinda angry with him. I had asked him to do a couple of really important things and he simply didn't do them and stated he didn't have time. He had time for a social visit with family. But not the things I asked him to do for me. Those things were only phone calls also that were important. Then I asked him to straighten up a few things. That also he didn't do.
But need to journal here.....
I am feeling rather guilty because I got asked out at work the other night. Of course I didn't go. BUT a big part of deep down really wanted to. There is this guy at work that is so good looking. He has had his heart broke once before and has only had one serious girlfriend. He likes me and I can so tell it. I guess he finally got up the nerve to ask me. I was dumb founded and taken by surprise when he asked I was like um no I am going shopping after work. It felt soooo good to have someone show me attention. My husband hasn't shown any interest in soooo long. I hold fidelity so strong of a value. I was really embarrassed at how this attention made me feel.
