Cobra....Maybe a part of me IS angry that he won't step up to the plate in any aspect of our marriage and say what he feels about anything. It's like I feel I am the parent in our relationship and I hate that. I feel I WAS taking his feelings into consideration when I point blank asked him to his face if he would be angry if I had a male friend. When he said nope that he didn't care I took that at face value. I don't play head games like that, never have. Maybe he does see it as sign of weakness to admit it.
Hmmmm if I did see it from his point of view...it would be that he didn't care what I did or with who I did it with. Maybe I am being selfish in this once instance. Because in real life I always put myself last. I step up to the plate and am always there for my parents to help them with anything. I am there for husbands parents whenever they have needed it. My children come before me always and always will. I do volunteer work whenever I get a moment. But also a new role for me is I am working full time. On top of that I am expected to do all the cleaning, shopping finances, yard work, etc. I am the kind of person if I got a check for my b-day I would spend it on the kiddos or hubby. So maybe this is one instance where I feel it is okay to be selfish. I am not really sure. I am not out daily or even weekly with this friend. He doesn't call all the time. He is is simply a casual friend. Another thing I found odd is that one day while hubby was at my work a co-worker walked by(male) and said man you look hot today. This guy is a big jokster. I didn't respond at all. I guess he didn't know that was my husband standing there. He again told me that day he doesn't care who compliments me it doesn't bother him. I guess part of me was hoping it would bother him. Or wake him up in some way to think man what I am doing I have a great loooking wife.
Like you say, if he truly doesn’t get jealous, maybe he truly doesn’t care about you. That is possible. But then, why does he act jealous? I, like the others replying to you, think his actions are telling the true story. And I think your actions may be telling your true story. You said this other man thinks you are hot, and thinks you should leave your husband. Lets assume your husband somehow knows about this, or at least suspects it. What should he do?
If he is a prideful man, he won’t lower himself to chasing after you and begging you not to see the OM. If he has any sense, he knows that getting mad and placing demands on you will play right into the OM’s hands. The OM will have a field day making your H out to be a tyrant, trying to convince you that he was right all along and you should leave your H. Lastly, if your husband sees you as a flirtatious type, he may not be sure he wants to hold onto you. I’m sure he wants you to flirt and chase him, but not the other way around.
So if you see the OM and eventually start something up, you will only be confirming your H’s suspicions. In a way he may be testing you to see how loyal you are to him, and he may already have his doubts. So you could be digging your own grave, all the while trying to convince yourself, your fiends, us, and your husband that nothing is going on. But in some ways your husband may know you better than you know yourself.
lil......you asked how I would feel if hubby confided in another woman. I guess I kind of know the answer to that. But part of doesn't really know until you are faced with it. But interestingly enough if he did confide in some mutual friends of ours husband and wife. Of course like typical he put everything on me. I told him I hope you did mention that you also bring conflict to this marriage also. So I hope you confided to them about your LL. I know maybe that is mean. But a big part of me resents that he refuses to address this at all. It's like it's not even a problem to him even though he has heard me state this about a 100 times. I also told him that I didn't know we were opening things up to discuss things about our private life. Because maybe this couple needed to hear my side. I know childsih probably. But I have noticed that he rarely contacts them anymore. Until then I had never discussed this with friends or family. I just keep everything inside. With this friend he asked what had happened. He said you seem like a great mom and wife. I had really put my foot down about that time about this LL issue in my marriage. So in answer to that question honestly that was the reason. I guess maybe I thought it would be good to hear a male point of view also. Maybe I was asking to much as a wife to want to have love making be a part of my marriage. I guess I just brought up the age because I think we all have a certain degree of attraction we have. I have never been attracted to younger or older men. Not that much older. I don't know kind of like I don't see red flags because I am not attracted at all. But what if I discussed this personal issue with a girlfriend. What if that girl who was friend was bi-sexual....would that be infidelity also. You said yourself you discussed this issue with a lady you met. Did you see that as crossing boundaries and you wrongly hurt your BF?
I guess I should ad that no friendship or otherwise would ever be more important then my husband or family. If he told me from the start this bothered him I would respect that.
I would think or only hope that somewhere inside my husband he has some faith in me. I have in this SSM like this for 8 years. I have never cheated or given him any reason to doubt me. For so many years I was so depressed about this it's like I didn't want to be around anyone. My life was at home or at school volunteering. But I got out of that funk. Went back to school. I got a job and made friends. Now I do things and go out sometimes. I realized I was being punished enough. That I needed to start being good to myself.
Thanks for the advice. It helps to see things from a males point of view of what a male might be thinking. It's so hard when your husband won't just open up and talk.
Maybe he is also threatened and scare by your gin to school and getting job. As you worked on yourself, what did he do? Has he done anything to improve himself, learn a new trade, make more money? He my also feel you are growing beyond him and he is not good enough for you, that in some way he is holding you back. If so, he may see your moving on as inevitable. Is he prideful? If so, he may be wallowing on his pity pot.
What can you do to make him feel included and not left behind?
Cally, I have played the part of your husband in this drama before. My wife is good friends with her boss, the principal at the school where she teaches. She has been friends with him for about 6 years. This never bothered me until lately.
What changed? My relationship with my wife changed and some legal problems of his cropped up. There was a very difficult situation going on with the principal at the same time as we were going to MC. I resented the fact that our marriage is failing yet all I heard 24x7 was about "Jim" and his situation. I also resented the fact that one night after having dinner with him she seemed happier than she had been for a couple of weeks. This led her to lie about seeing him the next week as she was sure it would upset me. Of course the lying caused far greater problems that we are still dealing with today.
I guess my point is that your H may not be prone to jealousy but may feel that you are getting emotional support from this OM and that emotional energy should be spent working on the marriage. If all was ok in your relationship this friend may not be a big deal to H. Like I said, the OM in my life didn't bother me a bit when my relationship with W was stronger. I never gave it a second thought. Make sure H feels secure in the R and perhaps this will work itself out. One nore piece of advice. Do not allow the OM to talk about you and your H's R. If it is brought up, simply say that it is not something you wish to discuss with him and let it drop. Discussing your R with another man is getting dangerously close to an EA. No good can come of it.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
Cally, I don't mean this to come off as harsh but I have a squicky feeling about this friendship. I believe it is dishonest on too many levels.
Let's be honest here. You purposely are cultivating this friendship in the hopes that it will make your H jealous. And it is.
The male friend no doubt sees this as his "in", with you. If the majority of your interactions with the male friend (mf) center around your sex life, then you can bet that it is not a true friendship. It is not a well rounded, balanced friendship. It is a man and woman who are titillating each other with sex talk and then calling it purely platonic.
Additionally, if this is the only way you can get attention from your mate, then why are you holding on to this M?
Do you love your husband?
Could you work towards eliminating your own anger and find some common ground with him...a common place to start this process? As long as you are rabidly angry, he will never be able to step up to the plate. That is human nature and common sense. His departure over the summer should have been a wake up call to the both of you that things cannot continue the way they are.
I sympathize deeply with you, as I am the HDW in my case also. But girl you are playing with fire here, hoping that your husband notices the flames.
Let me close with this: Is there any good that can come out of this? I'd guess that whatever good there might be is far eclipsed by the bad feelings generated between you and H.
You could be on to something there also. In the last 2 years I have made a lot of changes. I have grown a lot more independent. As a SAHM my whole life was devoted to the kiddos and him as well. Making sure his dinner was cooked and I did everything and I mean everything. In the last two years I decided I really wanted to better myself. So I went back to school. I have plans in the work to get myself educated even further and have dreams of entering the medical field. My hopes are to start that schooling very close to the summer. I have lost 50 pounds and dropped 6 sizes and am now a size 4. I joined a gym and have been working out. I got this job and am making pretty good money. I have made friends that invite me to go places and do things.
What has he done to improve himself. Well, nothing really. He did say he wanted to work out and get in shape. But he may go once or twice for a couple weeks then stop. Then maybe a month down the road go a couple times. He hasn't lost any weight.(he is about 35 pounds over weight) But I tried to encourage him I thought it was great he wanted to work out. he was ALL for me getting a job. In fact right before I got this current job I was working part time and he thought that wasn't good enough. So he was all for me working. One thing I wanted to clarify to him before I got this job of full time was that we needed to split the house work and outside stuff 50-50. He agreed and said very clearly he would help. More times then not he doesn't help much. In the 7 months I worked full time he has never dusted, or cleaned either of our bathrooms. more then half the time I did the yard work. It has brought a lot of conflict. Because I am tired. I have a physical job and I feel stretched to try to make the time for frinds or anything that I enjoy because I feel there is to much to do. He says make me a list. I make a list and he is pissy about it. I simply ask things of him and he always says he forgets. If I don't have the house clean he makes remarks about how I did nothing all day. It's soooo frustrating.
I guess you can say he is prideful. And I can tell ya he very much seems to be in his pity pot all the time. He doesn't look at the glass as half full to him it is half empty. I am thankful for the things I have in my life. He always seems to be needing more.
Quote: Let's be honest here. You purposely are cultivating this friendship in the hopes that it will make your H jealous. And it is.
I honestly feel like I am not trying to make him jealous. Part of wishes sometimes he would show jealousy. I guess to just make me feel desired. Likie noticing if a guy looked at me. Or saying something when that co-worker commented I looked hot to say something like he better just keep his eyes off you. But in truth he never asks jealous at all. I guess I have learned his anger may be jealousy even though he would never admit it.
Then you said
Quote: The male friend no doubt sees this as his "in", with you. If the majority of your interactions with the male friend (mf) center around your sex life, then you can bet that it is not a true friendship. It is not a well rounded, balanced friendship. It is a man and woman who are titillating each other with sex talk and then calling it purely platonic.
We really have't talked about my sex life that much. There's not much to discuss. It was just brought up when he asked what had happened between us. But the way I feel if hubby and I split up I won't be silent that we had this LL problem in our marriage. Because it wasn't the only factor but it was a huge one. So it's something I will be honest about. I would want people to know I loved him and tried to work on things. But we don't sit and discuss sex all the time. We talk about his problems or his school, classes he is taking, work, etc. The same things I talk about with female friends.
I am not trying to get attention from my mate. For soooo long I have been so depressed about this LL. It has been a long time I have stuck with this marriage and him through many years of SSM. Lately I have been thinking about me and putting me first. Well, lol not first but at least on the list. My kiddos come before anything. I am just truely trying to find happiness for me or at least a happy medium.
Do I love my husband, yes. Do I feel emotionaly close to him right now.....no. But have been working on it. Do I feel attracted to him like I did before.... No I don't. That is fading daily.
Dealing with my anger and resentment is something I am dealing with daily. I am really really trying. I am not sure we could find a common ground. I would sure be willing. But he refuses to talk, never have seen anybody like him.
Is there any good that could come out of it...having a friend again after 7 years of being lonely. Someone I just have a lot in common with. Friends to can be hard to find sometimes. But is it worth losing my husband....nope. But I just wish he would clearly be honest with me. Not make me read between the lines. Honestly I feel like I have another child.
I guess I have learned his anger may be jealousy even though he would never admit it.
There's not much to discuss. 
It was just brought up when he asked what had happened between us. But the way I feel if hubby and I split up I won't be silent that we had this LL problem in our marriage. Because it wasn't the only factor but it was a huge one. So it's something I will be honest about. I would want people to know I loved him and tried to work on things. But we don't sit and discuss sex all the time. We talk about his problems or his school, classes he is taking, work, etc. The same things I talk about with female friends.
No I don't. That is fading daily.