"Renters do not being their relationship with fights - they usually begin with mutual sacrifice. They rarely deny each other's requests and they do whatever it takes to make each other happy, even if it makes themselves unhappy. ... As long as both partners are happy, Givers stay in control. But sacrifice usually takes it toll. Since the care they provide for each other is somewhat unpleasant, it never becomes a habit for either of them. Instead, each time they meet each other's needs, they must do it deliberately instead of effortlessly, the way habits are usually performed. That means that their care is inconsistant, taking place only when they are in a good modd and willing to sacrifice for each other. ... A relationship based on sacrifice does not keep partners in a good mood. In fact over time it tends to create a very bad mood between partners. And whenever we are in a bad mood, our Takers come to our rescue. ... Requests that were rarely denied in the beginning of a Renter's relationship start being denied as soon as the effects of their sacrifice sink in. When that happens, the second phase of a Renter's romantic relationship begins - requests that are now denied are turned into demands. ... Demands are usually the first step in an argument. When one partner tells the other what to do, it's because his or her Taker suggests that the demand is reasonable. After all, explains the Taker, your partner owes you what you are demanding. You deserve it. And your partner should provide it, even if it requires sacrifice. ... If you and your partner are Renters, you've probably had lots of arguments. And if you tend to argue with your partner, you must be a Renter. That's because Freeloaders don't even try to accommodate each other, and Buyers would rather negotiate than argue. I'm not saying that Freeloaders and Buyers never argue. But because of their beliefs about relationships, neither feels that an argument is ever appropriate, and that makes their arguments rare. End Quote:
Most people dating fall under the Freeloader status with some Renters mixed in. At some point, (for many at marriage) one partner becomes a buyer. The buyer is at a distinct disadvantage when it comes to rocky relationships, because they *want* things to work out for both partners in a relationship. The Renters and Freeloaders seldom place the relationship/other partner at an equivalent status to which they place themselves. Which leaves the buyer trying desperately to negotiate with partners who don't even agree with the concept. Buyers want a win/win situation.
Thanks for typing all that out, Mrs. N.* Upon closer examination, I think I'm like SM, a renter who's with a freeloader. This is very thought-provoking... I like being introduced to new ways to view my sitch.
__________________ *Posting on BB's and chat rooms has done more to kick up my typing speed than all the letters, memos, and proposals in the world ever did.
This is, I think is the crux of our problems here.
"I believe that we cannot adequately meet our own intimate needs in life. Someone whom we love and who loves us must meet them for us. Those intimate needs include affection, intimate conversaton, sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, admiration, and many others. When someone meets these needs, we fall in love with that person and want to be with them for the rest of life, so that our needs can be continually met. In other words, we come to depned on that person to meet our intimate needs. That's what romantic relationships are all about.
So when one person in a romantic relationship stops meeting the other person's needs, it creates a crisis. After all, the purpose of a romantic relationship is the meeting of these important emotional needs. If important emotional needs are no longer met, it's no longer a romantic relationship. ... When two people in a romantic relationship understand each other's emotional needs and have enthusiastically agreed to meet them for each other, not as gifts but as a joing committment to insure the success of their relationship, they are interdependent. As long s the way they meet these needs take the interests of both into account, and their promises that the needs will be met are kept, no one feels controlled." End Quote.
We have relationships where emotional needs aren't even recognized, much less is it agreed that they should be met in marriage.
If there is no foundation of this truth in the relationship, how can there be any true forward growth?
And add to this that each person has to be the final authority on whether the other person is coming through for them.
I guess this takes us back to the Love Languages.
My bf mows the lawn, cooks dinner, feeds the dog, checks the oil in my car, cleans the bathroom... to him this is meeting my need to be loved and to be shown love.
If I say that as much as I appreciate these things (and I DO-- so very much!), I still want him to touch me and tell me I'm pretty, he says, "What I do is never good enough for you!"
I think this is a roadblock in many R's here: each partner feels they are communicating love to the partner, and do not accept the recipient's word that the message is not quite getting through.
This seems to be where you and NOP had the breakthrough that is missing for many of us: seeing, Getting, and accepting the other person's point of view in a non-defensive way.
Mrs NOP, Thanks for posting articles about the book. It was one I wanted to read.
I can see some of each group in me and BB. It depends on the topic, interest, or task each one of us has.
I see owners as having put more into the R and this goes along with your advice to get BB to do more and pay for more things in the R. I gave her the Cable TV bill. Some whys and whines from BB but she said she will pay it. I am still looking for more things/ways to get BB more involved in the M and less focused on her pets.
Lil, I see the things your bf is doing for you is the classic way people think, what they give has 8 points of value, but to you they only have 5 points because you value something else higher that you are not getting. It's like having eggs and grits for breakfast that were not salted. Filling but not as satisfying as it should be.
