So, I've started another book, title above. Written by Harley, it attempts to define relational participants into three broad categories.
Here are the initial definitions.
A Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.
A Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.
A Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a home for life with a willingness to make repairs that accommodate changing needs - painting the walls, installing new carpet, replacing the roof and even doing some remodeling - so that it can be comfortable and useful.
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I propose that many of us who hesitate to really lay it out for our spouse, choose to not do so because of the fear that they'll leave the relationship. If your assessment is accurate, then you may be a buyer married to a renter. It helps explain why some of us can dedicate so much effort to the relationship while seeing little or no reciprocal response from our spouse.
I know that I reached the point where I no longer pushed NOP for what I wanted in our relationship. It was based on a mixture of fear that I would destroy the marriage as well as a heaping dose of religiousity that resulted in an attitude similar to "good people don't keep asserting their wants" with a teaspoon of "if you're suffering, it's probably because Jesus wants you to learn some lesson."
