(For others on this board, my comments reference WL’s thread on the MLC board, here.) Sorry to hear about your loss, but glad to her your SO was there for you. Getting back to your reasoning for keeping the R alive with your SO, those all sound like great reasons. Incompatibility with your in-laws can be so damaging to a marriage, finding a family you get along with can be so reassuring. And the creative stimulation you two give each other can create strong bonds, not to mention your common friends.
But all those reasons are still props that you seem to be using to boost your esteem and sense of self. Aren’t you being dependent on him for who you are? I know you know enough to see the danger in this, and that instead you should fill these needs within yourself by yourself first. Your reasons are good, but they are not sufficient to justify a relationship with someone who could be as damaging as you have put forth.
Your obsession with salvaging this relationship bothers me. You state earlier in this thread:
I don't think I've ever had anyone love me. I don't know how it's done. I guess it will never be.
So, we're slowly getting back to the place where we were before I started freaking out and having a mlc. And he started freaking out and being a commitment phobe.
Are you using your SO to fill a need to be loved, even if SO is unhealthy for you? If this is true, are you just longing for someone, anyone who will fill this need? I wonder if you are not a little bit scared in life, what with your losses, but also because you feel no one has ever loved you? I don’t know how anyone could grow up secure without feeling loved, or loved by only one other person. It sounds like you have not dated much either. It also sounds like you are scared to do so. I know you went out on a few dates, then stopped. So now you are stuck in your little self imposed shell, desperately trying to hang on to the only loved you’ve experienced.
I am sure there are many men out there who can give you the love you need if you let them have a chance. Work on your commitment phobe issues. Gain some self confidence. Slowly push out of your shell and take more chances to gain experience and confidence. Learn not to depend on one other person. And know that you can still have common friends with your SO while being with someone new (but you better cut the tie to SO or this someone new will be threatened).
When you went to counseling, what did your therapist tell you?
