"Here you misunderstand the nature of an affair. You see, affairs are self serving by nature. They are a fantasy. You served up a situation that uniquely fit your emotional needs. The resulting chemical brain bath simply reinforced your choice. An affair is above all else, a selfish act. I don't want you or me to vilify anyone, but I assure you, as you understand more about what has happened, and given some time, your ideas about the suitability of your choice of affair partner will indeed change."
Well, I absolutely accept the notion that I am a complete neophyte when it comes to understanding affairs, from the outside logical perspective. All I have to go on right now is my feelings, and I just cannot imagine right now ever feeling negatively about this woman. Maybe I just don't understand yet what you mean by "suitability of choice of affair partner." But I do want to learn more on how to deal with this and make my life better.
"The simple fact is that your actions, and hers, hurt both marriages."
No disagreement.
"Again, in ways that you have yet to realize."
That statement bothers me a bit. What do you mean?
"I have told MrsNOP, that if she cheats on me, that she is imposing a sentence of a broken jaw on the other man."
Let me ask, what does doing physical violence to the other man solve? I understand the feeling and the anger, but does it really do anyone any good?
"You should pay attention in case you ever find yourself forced to take difficult actions because of your wife - but aren't you already having to learn that with the sex issue?"
Apparently not, I guess I don't know how to set "boundaries."
"I do believe that you are ready to move on. The problem is, you have had all this time to work through how you feel. Your wife has not."
I see your point.
"What your counsellor should have told you, is that you answer honestly, any and all questions your wife asks of you for as long as she asks them regarding the affair. Offer as much detail as SHE asks for."
Come to think of it, he did say something along those lines. I think I was focusing more on him saying "don't fuel the fire" by constantly asking her about it or bringing up tidbits. He said sometimes being "unselfish" is the most selfish thing you can do, because it can place an unwanted burden on the other person.
"The books I recommended will directly address the issues that your wife has to face, including having routine sex with you. Recovery includes BOTH spouses working on the marriage. Remember, you both contributed to the downfall of your marriage. This is a great opportunity to build a new marriage, better than the original."
That is encouraging. I wish someone could tell me if I really do have a chance here. Sometimes I feel like I do, sometimes not. I guess I need to just determine that I do have a chance and act like it for it to work. Its hard though.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
What must your W be thinking right now? The way your story has "evolved", she could be waiting for yet another shoe to drop. Obviously, your biggest task is to build trust. Frankly, I'm surprised that your MC told you not to tell W initially that there was a physical element to the relationship. You mentioned having the counselor tell W that you were acting on his advice when you didn't fully disclose this aspect of the affair. I think that's a good idea. What was he thinking? Otherwise your story might smell fishy to W.
In order to build trust, you should consider living a life of radical honesty. (See Marriage Builders web site.) It may be too soon to expose her to all of the raw emotions you are feeling, but everything else needs to be on the table. She should know where you are at all times, where all the money's at, all phone bills, all email accounts. If you have home access to your work email account, show her how to get into it. You will find yourself only doing those things that you are willing to tell W about. It will literally keep you honest.
This current tailspin seems to be the result of continued contact with OW. You saw her at a conference. Any way to avoid that in the future? I guess it's hard to avoid without giving up your job (quite common in PAs). If seeing her makes you go through that every time, it makes plucking your eyes out seem like a sane decision. On the other hand, you seem to have a conduit into OW's life through Friend of OW (FOOW). You do not want to hear about OW. It's important that next time you see FOOW, that you make it clear that she does not bring up OW. If she can't respect this boundary, you might have to give her up as a friend (kind of like when I gave up some of my pothead buddies when I gave up pot). I hope that your main intent in the friendship with FOOW is not to keep open a conduit to OW. If it is, then you already know what to do.
Your wife is an anger stuffer. Mine too. Sucks, doesn't it? Save relationship talk for the MC. Then, do everything in your power to shut your gob and listen. There will be lots of uncomfortable silence, but eventually she'll tell you exactly what she is feeling.
When it comes to your PT needs, I know exactly what you are talking about. I have the same problem. In my case, I discovered that my D13 is a kindred spirit. Tonight she just plopped down on the sofa next to me and propped herself against me in a very nice and cosy father/daughter hug. You should take the opportunity for lots of hugs with 2D2s. It's not the same as what you could have with your W, but it's pretty good in it's own right.
Finally, in another thread, you mentioned that the area of a right triangle can never be a perfect square (without also mentioning that all of the sides were rational ). This is known as Fermat's Right Triangle Theorem. Apparently, Fermat, who was a lawyer that did mathematics in his spare time for fun, proved this on the way to proving that there are no integer solutions for x^4 + y^4 = z^4. (Note: x^4 reads "x to the forth power". Programmers use this notation. It's also used in spreadsheets.) He claimed to have a proof for the case when the exponent was any integer >2, but the proof was never found in his private papers. Fermat's Last Theorem went on to become one of the great unsolved problems in mathematics until it was proved in 1995, 330 years after his death. Personally, I think he was joking about having a proof, the little devil.
Keep a picture of your wife and kids with you at all times. Keep one on your monitor at work. Tape one to the dashboard of your car. Wrap those "terrible two" year olds up with all the hugs and kisses they can stand. Keep your eyes on the prize.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
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