"Here you misunderstand the nature of an affair. You see, affairs are self serving by nature. They are a fantasy. You served up a situation that uniquely fit your emotional needs. The resulting chemical brain bath simply reinforced your choice. An affair is above all else, a selfish act. I don't want you or me to vilify anyone, but I assure you, as you understand more about what has happened, and given some time, your ideas about the suitability of your choice of affair partner will indeed change."
Well, I absolutely accept the notion that I am a complete neophyte when it comes to understanding affairs, from the outside logical perspective. All I have to go on right now is my feelings, and I just cannot imagine right now ever feeling negatively about this woman. Maybe I just don't understand yet what you mean by "suitability of choice of affair partner." But I do want to learn more on how to deal with this and make my life better.
"The simple fact is that your actions, and hers, hurt both marriages."
No disagreement.
"Again, in ways that you have yet to realize."
That statement bothers me a bit. What do you mean?
"I have told MrsNOP, that if she cheats on me, that she is imposing a sentence of a broken jaw on the other man."
Let me ask, what does doing physical violence to the other man solve? I understand the feeling and the anger, but does it really do anyone any good?
"You should pay attention in case you ever find yourself forced to take difficult actions because of your wife - but aren't you already having to learn that with the sex issue?"
Apparently not, I guess I don't know how to set "boundaries."
"I do believe that you are ready to move on. The problem is, you have had all this time to work through how you feel. Your wife has not."
I see your point.
"What your counsellor should have told you, is that you answer honestly, any and all questions your wife asks of you for as long as she asks them regarding the affair. Offer as much detail as SHE asks for."
Come to think of it, he did say something along those lines. I think I was focusing more on him saying "don't fuel the fire" by constantly asking her about it or bringing up tidbits. He said sometimes being "unselfish" is the most selfish thing you can do, because it can place an unwanted burden on the other person.
"The books I recommended will directly address the issues that your wife has to face, including having routine sex with you. Recovery includes BOTH spouses working on the marriage. Remember, you both contributed to the downfall of your marriage. This is a great opportunity to build a new marriage, better than the original."
That is encouraging. I wish someone could tell me if I really do have a chance here. Sometimes I feel like I do, sometimes not. I guess I need to just determine that I do have a chance and act like it for it to work. Its hard though.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
