I do want to say that I never meant it to come across that I don't want to work on recovery. I am just confused now at the best mode. Do I let it drop, improve myself, and make myself the most warm and loving person I can be so that when/if she is ready she can come back to me. Or do I actively take a role in guiding her through the process of recovery. Maybe the right solution is somewhere in-between.
My personal feeling is there could be two sides to this. One is where you do the best you can to improve yourself to restore her faith. I am not sure how she will come to believe this other than through time and the affirmation of your counselor. In some ways I think he must become your advocate to your wife (assuming he sees the progress in you to in turn convince her).
The other part I see is to let her become as angry and mad as she needs to be in order to process her feelings with you. I think there will come a time when she will need to come back within the bounds of civility in order for the R to move forward. But you have crossed the line further than she would ever go, so trying to keep her responses “appropriate” could seem very hypocritical to her.
Also, I think she needs to realize some feeling of vengeance. You see some people here who are still angry with their spouse for past hurts. Part of this is from not being able to fully express their anger to that spouse and know they have been heard. Like Lil said, depression can be anger turned inward, so be sure to let her purge her system. You don’t need a depressed wife on top of all this! I know it may not be the proper, healthy thing to do, but if I could get my pound of flesh I’d sure feel a hell of a lot better!
I would include whatever LL the person speaks in with sex ………. To pretend to want to repair a relationship without really intending to, and using deceit to further the malintent is IMHO just as bad as an affair.
To me I hear a certain amount of self justification in this paragraph. You might think twice before putting this line of reasoning forth anytime soon. It might inflame her like a torch!
At the risk of sounding like Cobra… I know these are hard times and you will get through them, and what you really meant to say was “In the proud tradition of Cobra…!”
