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However, emotionally I still feel like I owe her a lot. I'm sure you will tell me I am dead wrong, but I am just relating to you how I feel. I can guarantee you that you will have a nearly impossible job making me think negatively of her.
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Here you misunderstand the nature of an affair. You see, affairs are self serving by nature. They are a fantasy. You served up a situation that uniquely fit your emotional needs. The resulting chemical brain bath simply reinforced your choice. An affair is above all else, a selfish act. I don't want you or me to vilify anyone, but I assure you, as you understand more about what has happened, and given some time, your ideas about the suitability of your choice of affair partner will indeed change.
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I disagree strongly. Great people can make mistakes just as easily as anyone else. Correct me if I am wrong, but I think this is more of a tactic of demonizing the OP as a way of getting over them
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Everyone makes mistakes. I certainly have made my share and then some. The simple fact is that your actions, and hers, hurt both marriages. Again, in ways that you have yet to realize. However, I have every confidence that you will put your mind to good use and learn all about affairs. As for getting over the other woman, you will in a couple of years, provided there is no additional contact.
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There is a difference between "this is something that his W needs to know so I am going to tell her" and "if you two ever do anything to piss me off, I'm going to tell his wife." The first is an appropriate behavior. The second is controlling blackmail. Even if my W deserves to know, that does not justify attempting to force someone to behave in a certain way. When you try to use information to force someone to do something, it is blackmail. If he had just sent what he had to Lori immediately (or as soon as feasible) then it would have been really hard on me, but I could not have faulted him. Instead he is holding this like a sword over both OW and me. I think that is wrong.
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There is a difference between vindictive and a boundary. Her husband set a boundary. You should pay attention in case you ever find yourself forced to take difficult actions because of your wife - but aren't you already having to learn that with the sex issue?
I have told MrsNOP, that if she cheats on me, that she is imposing a sentence of a broken jaw on the other man. I am very capable of doing it, and I figure I should be healthy enough to handle that boundary until I am in my mid sixties, barring unforeseen medical issues. I am not threatening, other than it is something that she should consider before she decides to cheat. She knows perfectly well that I will do it. She also knows that I would expose the affair. Do I think she will have an affair, no. Does she know I will do what I say, yes. My boundaries are simple on infidelity in my relationship. If she does it, I will break other man's jaw, and expose the affair. MrsNOP has her boundaries for me.
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Everything up to this point has been good, but here is a real dillemma for me. What my C said to me makes sense. I have done my part and apologized. I need to make a conscious effort to move forward. I cannot make her move forward, especially not by excessive apology, guilt, or doing a million tasks to make up for it. Besides, all of those things just keep the hurt fresh. It is better to just let it drop and move on. I do need to work on myself to make sure it doesn't happen again.
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I do believe that you are ready to move on. The problem is, you have had all this time to work through how you feel. Your wife has not.
What your counsellor should have told you, is that you answer honestly, any and all questions your wife asks of you for as long as she asks them regarding the affair. Offer as much detail as SHE asks for.
The books I recommended will directly address the issues that your wife has to face, including having routine sex with you. Recovery includes BOTH spouses working on the marriage. Remember, you both contributed to the downfall of your marriage. This is a great opportunity to build a new marriage, better than the original.
All the best,
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
