Your wife is 50% responsible for the condition of your marriage, pre-affair, as are you. From the perspective of your marriage, you are 100% responsible for having the affair. I just want to make sure that you understand who is responsible for what. Part of the 'fogginess' of an emotional entanglement is that the infidel seeks to find blame in order to balance out the equation of their choices rather than take responsibility for their actions.
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However, due partially to a sense of loyalty to OW, and mostly due to the advice of our MC, I had not told her, or even you guys, the full extent of that EA.
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You owe the other woman nothing. She owes you nothing. If she was a great person, she would not have involved you in an extramarital relationship. You won't see it now, and what I am saying will make you mad, but she made a stupid choice. So did you. Neither one of you are good friends. Good friends don't cause harm to the other, and that is what your relationship did.
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Anyway, the final straw came when mutual friend let me know that OW's H was consumed with a feeling of wanting revenge on me and had threatened OW that if he ever caught OW and I together in any way, he would send everything he had to my W and then call her and tell her everything else that OW had told him about the EA
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Exposure is a powerful motivator to end an illicit affair.
What would you do if your wife was spreading her legs for some other man? Would you further support her activity by helping her keep her secret, or would you do the right thing and let the other man's wife know what was happening. I would certainly want to know. Most people would.
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So now I ran the risk of something that I truly just wanted to get off my chest being revealed to my W by someone else, a vindictive someone else, and thus forever have it be remembered as not my choice.
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Careful how you paint the other woman's husband. I bet he is a lot like you. Scared and desperate. There is also a golden rule that you should be aware of; All cheaters are liars. You can't be or do the one without the other. I am sure you see the logic of it. Also, other woman will, and very likely already has, lied to you about her marital situation.
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I wanted to try if possible to remove the blackmail threat that was hanging over OW and my heads.
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Exposure is not blackmail. It is the bringing a secret held in the dark, to the light of day. Your wife had a right to know.
You are not a hero for telling your wife the truth, but you did do the right thing, and this is good.
Don't expect your wife to 'just get over this'. She won't, not for a long time, and you are going to have to help her. If you just dump this at her feet and do not actively work on recovery, your marriage will likely fail. You will end up paying alimony and child support for the next 18 years.
You do have a right to have your needs meet in your marriage, and your wife shouldn't threaten to hold sex over you as a weapon. That will cause a quick end to your marriage. She needs help also so that she can understand her contribution to the condition of your marriage.
There are two books both you and your wife should read - IMMEDIATELY.
"Surviving An Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs" both by Willard Harley.
I am assuming you already have read Michele's books.
You have a lot of work to do. If you have been able to stomach what I have written to you, I am willing to talk to you more regarding recovery. Regardless of your opinion right now, you have a lot to learn and do yet in order to save your marriage.
Let me know if you want to continue this discourse.
All the best,
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
