As for who you tell what, or spinning out of control, what happens today or tomorrow will be a result of the choices you make.
As for telling all, regardless of what you choose to do, dealing with the affair, you must. In fact, you will deal with it on a recurring basis until you decide what effect it will be allowed to have on your life. Your brain will ensure that the affair, unchallenged, is never far from your thoughts. Those thoughts and potential actions will continue to affect your marriage.
The guilt of it is obviously eating at you. Continued contact with the infidel has caused all kinds of issues. That is why all contact must stop. The guilt you deal with by confession and making a plan to prevent a recurrence of contact. It really is that simple.
Tough being caught in limbo, isn't it?
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
We can support Chrom here better if he gives us an idea of how he needs support, so it's helpful to know his dilemna is at the moment. True we know of a past A, but if there are complications of that right now...we can support him better if we know a bit of why he's stressing currently.
I appreciate your attempt to support him off of this BB, and I'm sure he does too...and I'm sure it's helpful. However encouraging him to e-mail privately with you over the problem does in many ways disable us from shoring him up when he needs the support....it's difficult to support someone blindly. This is a support BB afterall.
Naturally it's Chromes choice....he may find it easier to confide in one person rather than many.
he is busy, Im leaving, and he has everyone here to help him out, if he wants.
He is a big boy, (literally) he made choices and now he has to live with them. Sometimes they dont feel good.
I hope he does 'the right thing'. Builds character. Chromo take a deep breath, and take responsibility. Know what you want and do what needs to be done to get there. Ignore tempting sidetrips into opiateville.
I've re-read your first post and I had missed that you have already told your wife about the entanglement.
I am interested in your perspective on your wife's lack of reaction.
I also think it is high time that you 'sweep her off her feet'. I think there are a lot of good times awaiting the Chromo household. The both of you just need a bit of direction and encouragement.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Well yesterday sucked, probably about as bad as any day I've had, including the day of the "dear john" letter I got from OW, both days I found out about the miscarriages of my first two children, the day that my wife first said she wasn't physically attracted to me, the day that my best friend at work suddenly started accusing me of being an arrogant, manipulative person to my co-workers in an attempt to get me fired, and ... well, I guess I need to stop wallowing in self-pity. There have been a lot of bad days, as I'm sure there are in everyone's life. Yesterday will always be remembered as being that bad day. I am hoping that today will be remembered as the first really good day I have had in awhile. It probably won't be good, but it has to be better.
First I want to thank everyone for their concern and apologize for my cryptic messages. I know it probably seemed like I was just fishing for attention, but I assure you I was in a very bad place yesterday, which was the culmination of several bad days in a row. I don't say that to evoke pity, actually many of you may find the scope of my problems trivial. But they are huge to me, and that is what matters after all.
As you said NOP, I had already revealed to my W that I had an EA. However, due partially to a sense of loyalty to OW, and mostly due to the advice of our MC, I had not told her, or even you guys, the full extent of that EA. The MC reasoned that it would do my W no good to know details, it would just make it harder to move past what just needed to be moved past. But the fact remained that there was a physical aspect to the EA. I really do not want to go into details, I will only say that it did not involve any of the parts of the body used for sex or the breasts. But it was there and I have ever since felt a great deal of guilt over that aspect. I don't know why that in particular, because the EC parts of the EA were bad enough, but for some reason that just really ate at my soul. I guess maybe because that physical aspect was something that was missing in my marriage also (in addition to sexual activity), and it was something I greatly missed. I have spent many nights crying over the last few months with the knowledge that the last time I had performed this act was with OW, and not with my W as it should be.
Well, seeing OW at the conference made that guilt, which had been simmering under the surface come to a hard boil. The knowledge that OW and OW's H were having a lot of difficulty in their marriage over this issue (and all the rest too) made my guilt boil over. Based on the number of emails I got from people at the conference that asked if I was ok, and the fact that I wear my heart on my sleeve, I'm sure that guilt was etched on my face.
Anyway, the final straw came when mutual friend let me know that OW's H was consumed with a feeling of wanting revenge on me and had threatened OW that if he ever caught OW and I together in any way, he would send everything he had to my W and then call her and tell her everything else that OW had told him about the EA. So now I ran the risk of something that I truly just wanted to get off my chest being revealed to my W by someone else, a vindictive someone else, and thus forever have it be remembered as not my choice. That gave me the fortitude to break through the advice of the MC finally and tell my W about that detail I had held back. She was understandably upset, and things are definitely in limbo right now. She stopped short of saying that our marriage was forever damaged, but she did say she did not know how long it would take her to get over this information, that our physical relationship would be strained indefinitely. Although I knew going into it that this was a likely reaction, it doesn't hurt any less. I am someone who desperately needs the physical relationship. The thought that now it will be denied to me indefinitely creates a real sense of gloom inside me. But it is something I will have to life with. I guess I really can't demand that she get over it. More on that later though. I will say that my end of the conversation was replete with overly profuse apologies, excessive promises, and the like.
Anyway, I made the decision, right or wrong, to tell mutual friend that I had spilled the beans to the W, I guess in the hope that word would get back to OW and then OW's H. I wanted to try if possible to remove the blackmail threat that was hanging over OW and my heads. You can believe me when I say this or not, I really don't care, but I always wanted OW to repair her marriage. Many of our convos during the EA were about just that, giving each other advice on our respective marriages. Anyway, some words were exchanged between OW and I as a result, which made it crystal clear to me that whatever small silly hope I had buried deep inside me of us ever getting together was now gone. And the feelings of loss just overwhelmed me again. I was again awash in the knowledge that due to my own actions, a person who was and should have been a great friend was now denied to me. That guilt along with the other weighed on me so heavily yesterday that I did not think I could continue to shoulder the load. I'll admit I had some pretty drastic thoughts yesterday, that I again am not proud of.
So there I was, with the knowledge that affection will be non-existant or sparse in the at least near future (boy the holidays are going to be tough), and the knowledge again of a lost friend, coupled with the guilt that it was all my fault. If I hadn't had a self-esteem session that night, I probably would have done something very stupid (well, even more stupid). Fortunately, the C proved himself to be as good at pulling me out of those dumps (somewhat) as he was at building up my self-esteem. I can't say enough about his skills. I wish I could break anonymity and recommend him to all of you here that are struggling with self-esteem issues. He is a true credit to his profession.
He pulled me part-way out of my hole by convincing me that this excessive guilt had to go. I have apologized to my W, sincerely for my actions, and that is all I need/can do. It is now up to her to decide what to do with that information. I also need to decide, and I have, whether or not I want to have a good, healthy marriage or not. And since I do, I need to move forward in my life acting, believing, and expecting that it will happen. My W needs to make the same decision, and if it is for a healthy marriage, she is just going to have to get beyond her hurt over this incident and move forward herself. But I can't make her do that. If she does decide to stick with me though, I feel I do have the right expect that it is put behind us. Not that it won't ever make her feel bad or hurt ever again, but that our actions toward a healthy marriage will not be influenced by the hurt. I need to do the same with my hurt over the feelings of rejection from our past. The C convinced me that I have a right to expect affection and intimacy in my marriage, and if my W decides that she cannot go there because of my actions, I need to decide whether I will be terminally unsatisfied or the marriage will end. But we are not there, so I am not going to let that possible future dictate my actions. I need to act as if our marriage can succeed, or it will not have a chance.
We also talked about my need to work on my ability to properly grieve the past. He said people that are often guilt-driven are also incapable of proper grief, which acts as a way of releasing the past hurts. It is yet another thing to add to my long laundry list of self-problems to work on. I'll admit that the list and the work involved is daunting to me, but what else can I do. It is one thing to be unaware of your problems and wallow in them, it is a completely different thing to know about them and continue to wallow.
There is a lot more that can be said, but I will stop here and just say that I do still feel a lot like a lost child who never found his way out of childhood. I agree NOPkins that I need to "sweep my wife off her feet" but I really don't know what to do at this point. I am a romantic guy, but I feel weighed down with all my other baggage that I am trying to drop that I'll admit my romantic side is being sorely neglected. I would appreciate any help that you or anyone else can give to help me be the husband I know I can be. I have the potential in me to be the sweet, loving, caring, attractive man that my wife deserves and needs. I have a heavy load and a long way to go, but I am not afraid to ask directions. I think your kissing suggestions were right on target and seemed to be working. Obviously, recent events have stalled that, so a different tack may need to be taken. I appreciate any advice that is given on what that tack should be and how to best execute it. I am not looking for any silver bullets, just things that will get me pointed in the right direction, and nudges along the way to keep me there. Specific is good.
globule
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I won’t go into a long response here; I just want to tell you to keep your chin up. After my A, W said that even though we would remain married, the R was essentially over. She also made it clear that once our daughter graduated from high school, she (W) would be gone. Since D was only three at the time, I just told her that that meant I still had fifteen years to change her mind. D3 is now D17 and is a senior. Although the sex issues have reappeared in the last five or six months, we still have the best R we’ve ever had and have ML more in the past year and a half than we did in the previous twenty eight years combined.
You’ve done the hard part: you came clean. Now it’s all out there in the open. Now it’s time to prove yourself, to improve yourself, and to get things back on track with your W. Right this minute, I can’t remember if your sitch has always been bad or if you’re one of those who had a good SL in the past, but in any case, your sitch couldn’t have been worse than mine – we didn’t ML even once in the first ten plus years of our marriage. It can be done, and I’m sure a smart guy like you will figure it out. Hang in there, listen to the advice you’re getting here, and go for it. What do you have to lose?
Hi Chrome First, I'm so glad the self-esteem C is so helpful. That can make such a difference. You have come a long way the past few months and this a just another stumbling block that you can and will handle. The guilt factor is definitely something you should explore. I know that guilt can often lead to depression and many self-sabotaging behaviors so the C will want to address that with you. Revealing more of the EA, in one sense, will make you feel better and take away the threat of ow's H. That's good. But, as you know, this will put a major crimp in the R progress made so far. Your W needs some time to work through her feelings. However, you are also correct that ultimately it is up to her whether or not she forgives and puts most of the resentments behind her. I am dealing with that right now myself. H left and I can either deal with it or not. He can certainly assist me in this process but even if he did everything right from this point on, the pain of what happened in the past is there and it is now MINE to deal with, not his. He has his own work to do on the separation issues and he is doing it. I guess some advice would be to not pressure your W to "forgive and forget" right now. She needs to feel some sense of control over the situation and for a little while, she needs to be able to express how she is feeling as brutal as that may be. It will help her. Still, there needs to come a point where she reigns in some of those feelings. This is where I am right now with H. It is no longer productive for him or for me to just vent away whenever I feel like it. I need to get a grip on these feelings of resentment and handle them in a productive way, venting here, to friends, etc. NOT directly to him although I still mess up more than I like. This is soooo hard. But, it can be done. Your attitude will help the process. Stay positive, not in terms of "everything's happy and fine around the house", but in terms of "we can make this work and I will try my hardest to work on my M." When is your next MC? Plus, you have friends and lots of support to get you through the process. One step at a time. LFL
