This is where I would differ from you were I in your situation. I wonder if your guilt is triggered by the increased knowledge you have gained from this board, your counselor and your attempts to repair your relationship with your wife. Had you not changed the course you were on at the time you had the EA, would you have felt differently? I am sure you would feel guilt and remorse for what is happening to her, but at the time, weren’t you a little more self involved and in a devil-may-care attitude with your wife? Remember how you thought you were on the verge of leaving the marriage?
Had things blown up in the OW’s marriage at that time, what would you have done? I’m willing to bet there is a certain part of you that would want to jump in, rescue her and run off together, right? Well now you’ve evolved past that. For whatever reason she does not seem to have done the work on the R that you have. So she is floundering and you are finding your direction. That is not your fault, nor is it anything you could change. In a different time in the future, maybe you can help others, but not until the home front is secured.
Unfortunately it is a cruel world out there. I lived for a while in S. America and saw what true poverty really is (I don’t believe there is true poverty in his country.). There is little one person can do to change this and attempts to do so can impoverish your own family. Sometimes we must be selfish for the sake of our family. If we gain enough excess to help others, then fine. But you don’t have any excess to give right now. You are still in deficit.
The OW is in deficit too, but hers is of her own doing. You cannot rescue her without taking from your wife and kids. This is a tough dilemma, but your understanding of this is a consequence of your improved knowledge and widening compassion not only for others, but for yourself.
You did what you believed was the right thing at the time. So did she. You are currently doing the right thing AS YOU KNOW IT AT THIS VERY MINUTE. But you cannot know if in the future you will look back and see yourself making a mistake RIGHT NOW. So how could you or she have known the mistakes you were committing at that time in the past? You acted on the best knowledge you had at the moment. The problem is that knowledge was so incomplete, BASED ON WHAT YOU KNOW NOW. But that is not your fault. To me, if anyone is to blame, it is your parents for failing to teach you the lessons needed to avoid that pitfall in the first place. Only they could have possessed the knowledge to warn you that such traps exist in life. Do not feel guilty.
