OK. Two major topics here, how things are going with the W and why I was (and still am) in the dumps.
First, thanks again for the suggestion NOPkings, I think it did go well. I have been more agressive and up front about kissing her, and although she has put me off a few times, I haven't let it get to me and kept at her. One of her excuses was that her lips were chapped, and I could see how that would make an all out kiss uncomfortable. So I waited till today and pressed her again, asking first if her lips felt better. They did but she still put me off citing one thing or another. I gave her the "you don't know what you are missing." Later I tried again and she gave me a little bit, but when I asked for more she put me off. I just walked away. Then later she was lying on the floor talking and playing with the newborn. I came and straddled her (not laying on top of her, I'm big enough to completely straddle her without touching her, didn't want you guys to think I was getting too physical). I whispered in her ear "It is so beautiful the way you love our children." Unfortunately one of the twins decided to yell at us right as I was saying the last thing so I had to repeat part of it, which defeated the impact I'm sure. But after repeating it, I hopped up and walked away. A few minutes later, she picked the newborn up to hand him to me (she had something to do) and said "does daddy want little XXX" I replied, "only if I get a little mama too." She bent over and kissed me a little harder (still not passionate, french or anything) and said "was that better than a peck?" I said "absolutely, but I still want more." She said "later." I'm hoping for more later, but we'll see. We are going to be up late anyway baking xmas cookies so maybe I'll get "lucky." I am going to shoot for at least 3 passionate kisses a day NOP. All in all, I think the kissing thing is going pretty well.
On another note, we did have some R convos. I decided to break the ice about sex, not ask for it at that minute, but just get her to talk about it. I asked about frequency and she said that she would like to start at once a week. I'm ok with that, but let her know that I will be working to increase that frequency. She then made an interesting comment. She said that she felt it was her duty to give affection and sex. I tried to tell her that that is NOT how I wanted her to feel about it, but I think I may have miffed it somehow, because she didn't seem convinced. I tried to talk to her about the differences in expectation of sex in a healthy marriage versus expecting sex from your wife, but she translated that into expect versus demand. I guess I didn't get the sublety across. I tried to give some examples, i.e. I said that I don't do the twins breakfast in the mornings or their bath at night out of a sense of duty, I do it because I love her and I know it will make her day easier. She gave a little flicker of understanding but I'm not completely sure that she made the connection. Sometimes I feel like I jump around too much in the points that I make. Anyway, I also mentioned that I was not expecting her to have this huge desire for me all the time we have sex, sometimes it can just be an act of love, a gift of sorts to me. I said I am going to work on helping you increase your desire for sure, but I'm not going to expect every time to be this passionate "night to remember." Again, I couldn't tell if it sunk in or not, maybe I was bombarding with too many topics. Overall though, I didn't see any real heavy resistance, just perhaps confusion. Maybe with time it will sink in.
Later on, I started at it again (you'll understand why when I explain about why I was in the dumps), and asked her about what she thought emotionally connected meant. She said that it meant that she understood me and knew what made me happy. Know that I mention it, I meant to ask her about doing what makes me happy, and about feeling happy herself. I guess I'll have to get back to that later. Anyway, I asked her what does she think will make me happy. She said (1) affection (2) mental stimulation (3) having a purpose in life. I did respond that those three things definitely make me happy. I went on and talked about how another big thing for me was being happy in the moment. I gave an example baking the xmas cookies. Far too often, this traditional event turns into an all-night affair, with lots of arguments, moaning and groaning, and bad memories. I said, being happy in the moment means being playful and doing your best not to worry about small things and enjoy what you are doing. For example, its not really all that bad if we get into a flour fight, or if a batch of cookies burns, etc. Don't let it get you down or be a source of argument. Again, I don't know how much of that convo sunk in, or if it was just a waste of time. We'll see.
For the last part. I left this for last because I thought I would build up momentum to carry me through, but I am chickening out as I write this. Let me just see if I can get this out in brief statements. Went to a conference. OW was there. No, nothing happened between us. Now I am in the dumps. As you might well imagine, there is a lot more to it in terms of specific thoughts and feelings, I'm just not ready to open up yet. Give me some time.
I am supposed to see the self-esteem coach tomorrow. I plan on going into all the sordid details with him, especially since it has kicked my self-esteem WAAAYY back. Maybe after I sort some things out with him I'll be able to post here.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
