Supreme Overlord of the Universe

[LustForLife]

Actually I like to think of myself more of a Lion, but thanks anyway Me too!

[Cobra]

Chromo,

I have considered suggesting that she go see our MC alone sometimes (the MC is the first person I began seeing when my depression got really bad). Thoughts?

Since your counselor is basically your employee, let them do the dirty work and suggest to your wife that she should come in alone. Why take on any resistance if you don’t have to? You can even side with your wife a little bit if she hesitates, to let her feel you are on her side and the empathic master of the universe that your are!

[chromosphere]

"Well that is not the case here. I only have the basic high school knowledge of science. Its not that you could not teach me it is how much you would have to teach me to get me to a level of understanding to relate to the subjects of which you are all speaking."

You know, reading my comment it could have been taken that I was implying that I thought you would be hard to teach. I am very glad that you didn't take it that way, because it wasn't meant to be.

Man I wish I could convey that simple fact that "to understand some things you have to build a foundation" to today's students. I say it till I am blue in the face, but they still just want to jump right into the most difficult problems. Your statement shows good insight. I'll bet you would be REALLY easy to teach.

"I started working 12 hour days and would make pit stops so my almost hour drive home would extend to at least two.
I felt almost panicy about walking in the door."

BTDT, unfortunately.

"Some of the simple things I suggested like changing into more comfortable cloths or shoes or sitting on a comfy bed with my kids where exactly the same things I used to get to the point where my house was not a looming pit of darkness but a bright beacon of joy. (not that it still does not look like a dark hole sometimes thats sucking me in at times, But I no longer just want to run from it upon sight)"

I do like your suggestions. I'll have to think about what are 3 or 4 simple things I can do to make going home preceptibly more comfortable. I know, if when I walk in the door, my wife jumps on me and we have hot sex, then she cooks my favorite meal, has a nice horror movie waiting for me in the DVD player, and tells me every 5 minutes what a big, strong, handsome, sexy, smart guy I am. Seriously, I'll think about it. HP's hug and kiss when I come in the door will be the first.

"If not I toss them out the window and try another approach. I am just not sure if three months is to long or long enough to really see a change. And thought maybe your C had helped you establish valid timelines that you could share"

Sounds like a ... sound plan. I may try it. No the C was very vague, even about when our next appointment would be. I'll have to say though that the first few months of a newborn are kinda hard to work with. As things settle down a bit into more of a routine (like somewhat normal sleeping hours), establishing some more concrete goals will be easier.

"Self help books in general are something I am rapidly losing faith in. You read four chapters of what the purpose of the book is. Another four on what it will teach you then four about what you should have learned. I seemed to find they spend more time telling you what they are gonna say later then actually saying much of anything.
Lets talk about what I am gonna talk about is not much of a help if you never really talk about it in my book.
Sorta like the last two C I went to who just wanted to run in circles instead of giving one suggestion as to how to change anything."

A very good description. The only R book I have read much of was Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue. And while it does look good in parts. You spend the first 4 or 5 chapters focusing on all the negative aspects of your R. While I understand the basic philosophy (you need to get all the problems out on the table at some point to begin truly healing), you can imagine that my W quickly lost interest in exercises in which you list everything you can't stand about your husband and I list everything I can't stand about her. I'm actually cringing remembering doing that stuff with the W. I'm sure it just added a layer to our problems. Blech (as Karen says).

"Omg I actually forgot about that show! God I am getting old."

Yeah, and I thought it was really stupid back then too.

[chromosphere]

NOPkins

Uh Oh!!! Are you offering to perhaps, maybe, possible, help coach me some through this rebuilding EC process. OK, OK, OK, if you twist my arm, I'll grudgingly accept. But don't try to back out on our agreement now.

Thanks a bunch for the suggestion. As I stated in reply to HP, this is what I like, this is what I can work with. Concrete plans of action. Put your money where your mouth is and all that.

I'm not saying I am now expecting your suggestion to be a silver bullet or anything, but it gives me something to try and then either modify if necessary or move on to a different "tactic." What I also like is that it is not a ploy of any kind. I am not trying to secretly get her to do something. Thanks again.

"One other thing. Since you are tall, and you are obviously kowtowing to your wife, I am assuming that you are doing that physically as well. Make sure that you always hold your head up, stand tall, and don't slump in order to make yourself appear shorter, or less intimidating. That is very common behavior for tall people."

Well, I mostly bend over a lot to avoid bonking my head on things. Ok, ok, stop with the excuses Chrom! You are right, I do tend to slump a lot and will slink around a bit to avoid notice since it comes so easily. I have people all the time tell me that they didn't realize how tall I was until they got right next to me. Hmmm. Light bulb.

[chromosphere]

"Actually I like to think of myself more of a Lion, but thanks anyway (LFL said) Me too!"

I'd post a picture of myself here (well SuperDave did break the ice) so that you all can decide for yourself if I look more like a Lion or an Alpaca, but I have no idea how to do attachments. Is it that UBB code thing I see near the emoticons? Don't worry, I'll make sure its a sunglasses shot too so that we minimize the reliquishing of anonymity.

[chromosphere]

"Since your counselor is basically your employee, let them do the dirty work and suggest to your wife that she should come in alone. Why take on any resistance if you don’t have to? You can even side with your wife a little bit if she hesitates, to let her feel you are on her side and the empathic master of the universe that your are!"

Are you suggesting that I suggest to the MC that she ask the wife to come alone sometime?

I probably would rather be honest and tell the wife that I think it is a good idea to go see the MC alone if she asks (because I do think it is a good idea, thanks Cobra), rather than pretending to side with her, kwim?

[Lillieperl]

Re going to bed together or separately:

This has been a major source of controversy in our R since Day One. During the first year or so when I was still trying to get him to bed for sex, he would stay up way past me, drinking. Sometimes would pass out on the sofa. I'd wake up around three or so and go get him. Until I learned at alanon not to do that.

When he stopped drinking about 18 months ago, he would still sit up way past me. But the thing that makes me the nutsiest is when I would say, "I'm going to bed now," around 11 or 12, and he would say, "I'll be right there," and then sit up til 2 or even 3 and/or fall asleep on the sofa.

I used to tell him that it made me feel like he was avoiding me. He said he's not avoiding me, but this is really hard to believe, plus it still FEELS like he's avoiding me.

He used to stay up way past me probably 90 percent of the time. Now it's more like 60 percent of the time. If we were having sex, I wouldn't care if he stayed up past me. It just seems like another way of avoiding me.

One time pretty recently, he sat up so late and I got so mad (this was after the "I'll be right there" comment) that I just got dressed and went in the living room and said, "I want to sleep with you. If I'm going to sleep alone, I'd rather do it at my house," and walked out of the house at 3 am and drove to my house about 40 miles away.

Now sometimes I tell him I'm going to bed and sometimes I just disappear. I avoid telling him because I hate the "I'll be right there" speech and then he doesn't show up until hours later.

I know he needs awake time in his house without me around. I understand that. Again, if we were having sex, it probably wouldn't bother me so much.

When I was out of town for a week in the summer every night he told me on the phone how much he missed me. And then the night I got back, he sat up til two and I went to bed alone.

[LustForLife]

I'd post a picture of myself here (well SuperDave did break the ice) so that you all can decide for yourself if I look more like a Lion or an Alpaca
Alpaca? I think Alpaca's are kind of cute. Why not choose a warthog or a tapir? Too short?
No, you're a definite Lion.

[NOPkins]

Hi, Chromo.

I am hoping that you just had a busy day with no opportunity to post.

If instead you find that you crashed and burned and nothing happened according to plan, don't shy away, we have all been there.

So, tell us how it went, good, bad or ugly.

All the best,
-NOPkins-

[chromosphere]

NOPkins (someday you'll have to tell me how you chose that name)

Thanks a bunch for asking. I am in a tight spot emotionaly right now, so it does help when you know there are people out there who care.

Actually, your suggestion went very well. I am at a conference right now (which is why I was busy) so I decided to try out the kiss thing just before I left. As she had said to me and to the MC, she was wary of giving me a passionate kiss because she felt like it would lead to me wanting sex at that moment. So I figured that if I did it right before I had to leave, she wouldn't have that thought. Anyway, my first attempt was aborted by her putting on makeup, but I had a flash that she might be even less inclined to kiss after putting on lipstick. So I did a few things, then came back into the bathroom right after she finished and made a move to kiss her. She responded with a peck, but I held her shoulders and began attempting to kiss her more strongly saying "I want more." She said, "but I just put lipstick on", to which I responded "well you can just put some more on in a minute then." She surprised me by responding to the more passionate kiss. It wasn't the best kiss I ever had, but given that it has been 5 months since I have had a passionate kiss, it felt wonderful. After a minute or so, we broke off and I said "we should do that more often." She responded, "ok, but are you going to jump all over me." I said "no, I won't assume a passionate kiss means sex immediately later." She seemed happy.

Well, as I have alluded to though, I am really down in the dumps right now. I am a bit hesitant to write why down here, because of what people have said, write as if you expect your S to read them (either now or later). I am not sure I want my W to know these thoughts. I know most people will just respond, only you can decide, but maybe somebody has some words of wisdom that will let me know what I should do.

Thanks again NOPkins