Those are good points you bring, and do crystallize in my mind this FOO thing you are talking about. Yes there was LOT of anxiety in the Glob household growing up. If we laughed out loud and dad heard us, we got a spanking. And I do feel a sense of dread when going to a potentially contentious meeting with someone or a group. Hmmm. Leads me to think maybe if I can work on that sense of dread, the gloom factor at home might work itself out too. Interesting!
"I had the mental image of a dog that has been abused, but still comes up to its master, almost crawling, head hugging the ground, eyes flitting away waiting for a slap on the head, coming up to rub on the masters feet and hoping for any little sign of affection."
Well it kinda bothers me that I seem that way, but it probably does describe my interaction with my W. I hate to admit it but I probably come across to her that way, which is VERY unattractive. Well, hopefully my dedication to boosting my self-esteem will help me break out of that cycle as well.
"Does your wife truly understand this part of you? She is the obvious one to fill this void, but does she really understand the depth to which it exists? Does she have the capacity to fill this for you at this time, even if she wants to?"
That is an interesting set of questions. Would you (or anyone here) recommend that sort of convo with the W. Let me rephrase, recomment that sort of convo at this stage (or is it step 49 out 50 Lil? ). I think she does see very clearly my low self-esteem, she even has mentioned on several occasions how much she hates when I get into my "nobody likes me" mentality. And she does know some of my history (it is why she refuses to let our children be babysit by my parents ... and I agree). How would I approach my W with this topic?
"I know you have a tendency to “give gifts” in the hope of having your wife return some sign of affection. But isn’t this just another twist on the hurt dog scenario? And if your wife does not truly understand why you do this, could there be a risk that she does not return that affection, setting you up for disappointment? I guess I am wondering how much work she is doing and how informed is she of what you are doing in order to make the right mix?"
It depends on how I approach the giving. If it is "here take this and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE give me something back, just a little" then it is akin to the dog licking the hand to get a pat on the head. Instead, I am trying to approach it more as a "here take this gift (an expression of my desire for you) as a token of my love, no strings attached" and then treat it as if it was something she really wanted, whether she responds visibly in that way or not. I think believing that she wants my affection helps build confidence and attraction (a la BF's comments to me earlier). Maybe it will work, maybe not, but I'm willing to give it a try. And if all I get in the end is more confidence in myself, so be it.
Your question about how well informed she should be is a BIG question for me too. How much should my wife know? I tend to lean more toward everything, but that might defeat what I'm striving for, while I am striving for it, kwim?
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
). I think she does see very clearly my low self-esteem, she even has mentioned on several occasions how much she hates when I get into my "nobody likes me" mentality. And she does know some of my history (it is why she refuses to let our children be babysit by my parents ... and I agree). How would I approach my W with this topic?