I'm happy for you. While I didn't go nearly as far as you did, I did mention to W around Christmas that I wasn't going to live this way forever. Maybe W appreciated the juevos, maybe she got scared, but she has been much more pleasant ever since.
Re Choc Sounds to me, Lou, like it was the tried-and-true method of "threaten divorce."
I get that point. I was just wondering what else was involved from csw and or his wife.
Sometimes I would like the other spouse's input. I suspect Mrs csw would say the divorce paper was a "10" as why she dumped OM but were csw getting a job with benefits and talk about starting a family just "2" points topics.
short of LEAVING or THREATENING TO LEAVE, that this chit works Well it worked for the NOP's only after a very long time. I don't know about Jenny, she disapeared. she was one one of the posters where D was discussed.
In my case, sometimes the more good I do, in my way of thinking, the less I feel like it is working. Other times doing the right things works and has it's rewards.
Howdy folks!!!! I wanted to drop in and thank you all again for helping me along the path toward a rebuilt M. I can honestly say that W and I would not be sharing a bed at this point if it weren't for the lot of you old timers here on SSM. A combo of SSM and poor choices were what led to my W's PA. A combo of patience, sensible timely advice, and a D action has allowed us to move past this PA. I don't know what saved the M, but I think it is fully saved at this point. My man-of-steel demanor, coupled with my new job clearly helped my image. My new diet helped dramatically with my libido. (I even ate some buffalo meat on my recent backpacking trip)
I don't mean to drop in and leave clif hangers, and I was never fully schooled on BB ettiquette (nor spelling, for that matter). I just feel compelled to check in on you folks from time to time.
I don't know much about life and how to live it, but I know that after my wife started heading toward her A, I made all the wrong choices. I turned to the SSM board (thanks to GEL) and found help that really was helpful. NOP smacked me around a bit, knocked me off of my pity pot, and made me realize that regardless of my M, I needed to be proud of myself and the way I lived my life. I began to live a bit differently. I began to love life, even without the love of my life. She saw my new joie de vivre, and felt "left out". She pulled away from OM, but it took her a couple of months to fully extricate his claws. The holes are filling in, and the love we are creating is filling both of our "banks".
I have still had a tough time getting back to my old life. My art has taken a back seat to the "other things". I have a list of things I desperately want to do in the shop, but when I go out there, something seems amiss. I am sure I will regain that ability, but I can't force things. In the meantime, my job has developed into a very good thing, and W can quit working whenever she wants.
She is very repentant for her mistakes, and at times I need to ask her to quit apologizing. I still have an occaisional flashback to the miserable times, the times when she was cruel and denounced her love for me. I also find it hard to think about some of our old pass-times that we shared with OM and his wife. (I will gladly find new hobbies with W)
I hope you all are well, and I hope you all find the love you seek.
CSW: I have read most of your posts & I am in the same boat as you were. The only difference is that I made a mistake 23 years ago. (See my old posts). If you have time read my old posts because I need advice. I have noself-esteam for myself plus I see no future without W. I don't have any friends to GAL with so I need to see what you recommend. It sounds like you did the right things!
I have noself-esteam for myself plus I see no future without W. I don't have any friends to GAL with so I need to see what you recommend. It sounds like you did the right things!
- Deadeye. I don't want to step on CSW but I also don't want you to feel like you're hanging. Would you rather use this thread or your other one?
I want you to look at the text bolded above. I think you have a good chance of getting your W back but you have to change your way of thinking ASAP.
Your T is right. Be her friend. She wants you to be her friend so that's a big positive. I know there is an OM in the picture so your frame of mind is a very very important asset-liability for you right now. As much as this hurts to know (and I've been here before) your W is comparing and contrasting both you and OM. And she is always always going to be drawn/attracted to the M her genetic wiring tells her is going to appear more sexually, mentally, and emotionally attractive.
Dude, you have the inside track. You were there first and you know your W best. Therefore, the first thing I must stress for you to do is burn this into your brain every minute of the day:
"OM is an insignificant nobody to me. He is not part of my world or my thoughts because he doesn't deserve to be in them. He has done nothing to earn that right."
The more you think about him or dwell upon what she sees in him the more you give your power over to him and breathe life into his own attractiveness to your W. In this sense it is critical that you DO NOT badmouth OM to her or in front of her as she will 10 out of 10 times jump to his defense. He does not exist to you therefore do not acknowledge his existence. If W brings him up? Oh, huh...well, maybe you should be telling this stuff to your girlfriend. I'm not your girlfriend." Then drop it and don't let it bust your pleasant mood.
Dude, you already have the inside track. You met your W first and you know her much better. Plus, she still wants to be friends. You drew her attraction once and you can do it again.
Read up on confident body language. When you see her? Don't slouch. Work on lifting shoulders up, moving them back, and pulling them down so your chest slightly protrudes. Don't fidget around her, act nervous, annoyed, or blink rapidly. Cool, calm, and relaxed.
Don't have friends? Find one or two. Or if you can't then at least appear like you're GALing when you're with her. Next time you're on an date with the kids? "Okay, we can hang out until 7 p.m. then I need to get back because I have to be somewhere."
None of her business where, what or with whom. Even if you're only planning to do laundry. Just as she is probably not telling you all of her business.
"I see no future without W."
- Lose this thinking as soon as you can. You were your own man before you met your W and you will be your own man if you never see her again. Otherwise it comes across as neediness. If your W thinks you will do just fine thank you very much without her she will be more at ease around you and attracted to you. But if you're projecting "I'll just die without you" she is going to be repelled. It's neediness and too much responsibility for her to bear. She has her own life to think about without worrying about having to take care of yours as well for you.
These are some starting points, Deadeye. Showing confidence, decisiveness and showing that you'll be just fine if you never see her again is very scary and a bitch to get your head around. But it will make her feel way more at ease than if she were to have to deal with an emotional pleading drama queen, who looks like an grateful puppy every time he is around her, while being noticeably jealous and suspicious of an OM she may now have in her life. Not saying you're doing this currently...just don't fall into this trap.
OM is an bug. He's inconsequential to your R and efforts to woo back your W. Take back your power you gave away to both your W and to OM, it's yours. They haven't earned the right to share it.
Finally, I said this to another poster but do a search for the poster "OrangeandWhite." I think that's how it's printed. He won back his W and he posted on a thread he titled very important factor to those with WAWs. He said his W told him she came back to him after she noticed his confidence. It all boiled down to confidence for both his W and for himself.
Good luck DE...keep us posted.
-Stigmata-
The difference between a warrior and an ordinary man is the warrior views everything as a challenge; the ordinary man views everything as either a blessing or a curse.
-Yaqui shaman Don Juan-
...and that holds 2x true for nice guy wussies, DJ
