Saw the kids & XW last night when they got home from T'giving in NC w/X-ILs. Gave the girls a kiss goodnight & gave the XW a hug, then went home...
Had a pretty good day today, chatting on & off with XW on Yahoo; everything was kept pretty light. Then, earlier this evening, she asked about Thanksgiving at my house. I explained that, as holidays go, it was a quiet one, with M & D, myself, two Bs, one SIL, three nephews, and my S16. M did the full spread, despite her ill health these days, and she's exhausted in the wake of the holiday.
My XW was very close to my M, closer in many ways than she was to her own. I know she misses and worries about my M, but she just doesn't seem to fathom that the M/D relationship she had with my M can never be again - at least, not while she's no longer my M's DIL... M loves and misses her as well, but she is also very protective of her brood - and in her eyes, this woman has hurt her S and is hurting her GC with her actions... Even when M begins to feel more tender toward XW, she must still contend with D, who is not nearly so forgiving...
XW was appalled that no-one helped M with the holiday cooking. She wants to offer to help with Xmas cooking & coordinate with other families (my siblings) to ease up the stress on M... I was so touched by her offer and her concern that it took me a while to realize how problematic her suggestion was... and how one stress would simply be traded for another. Ironic that my XW wants back the R she had with my M, and I can certainly sympathize with her frustration, but that's a cart that will *never* come before the horse; I know my family well enough to know that. And I had to try to wise her up to that, as diplomatically as I could... I wound up saying, "you may have to resign yourself to the fact that it may be that there's nothing you can do... as I've (reluctantly) learned from Dr. Laura recently... 'some things can't be fixed...'" Yes, there may have been better ways I could've said it, but there are many, many worse ways too. Anyway, she was hurt. She eased her way out of the chat, but I could sense that she was upset...
I called her shortly thereafter, and my perception was correct. I tried to explain that I was not being spiteful or hurtful in saying what I said, I just thought it would be dishonest for me not to let her know not to expect too warm an embrace from my family, even my M. I just can't see how she could think that some of these very natural consequences (of her actions) would be somehow escapable... Nonetheless, I felt lousy... (sigh)
