Yes, it most certainly is a double-edged sword... I feel so strongly that my XW and I have such a unique relationship; even in divorce, we're closer than many married couples I know. Last Christmas she gave me a copy of "the five people you meet in heaven" and said in her inscription that she "cannot imagine a heaven where you would not be one of my five people", and ended by saying, "Please know how much I will always love you - my best friend!"
It can be frustrating that she chooses to deny what is so obviously there, but for this time in her life, I think perhaps that's all she *can* do. I concern myself with being "reasonable" (in *her* eyes) - but then I worry that I'm being *too* "reasonable". (Am I being Sir Walter Raleigh - or just his cloak? ;^)
Yet, with all this, she is doing some outlandish things... things I'd have thought unforgivable - but I can't reconcile *this* person with the one I've known for 30 years. It's like... I wonder if - in her early Yahoo chats - she encountered somone named Captain_Howdy ? ;^)
Anyway - what makes it doubly tough is my determination to make this as easy on my kids as possible. And I have come to feel very strongly that new relationships (hence, allegiences) are *not* the way to go. I am leery that even *befriending* a woman right now could only serve to raise the temptation level to perhaps pursue something new and I don't wish to go there until the kids are up & out (even if there's no chance of reconciliation with the XW)...
The *first* thing I did for myself after the divorce was to get happier and (physically) healthier by going back to my old job: I am once again a meter reader , and while some would say this is a waste of the high-potential brain God gave me, I say "Pffffffft!! I love my job - deal with it!" Yeah, I'm making half of what I made as a programmer, but the trade-off is that for me, "the day" is no longer merely a medium through which I travel to and from my job: I am an active participant in every day, and that is a gift.
(BTW, want some great FREE therapy? When you feel the need to talk, go outside to the nearest tree and find a squirrel. They are the most *attentive* little creatures you ever saw in your life! Talk to a squirrel and it will hang on your every word, I assure you. Of course, they don't *understand* a damned thing and they certainly won't *respond* - but I feel like I'm being listened to when I talk to them much more so than when I talk to my KIDS [or XW] half the time!) ;^)
Gaining insight into myself and understanding what I'm going through helps a lot. Michele's books, Dr. Laura, and Peggy Vaughan have all helped in that regard.
For the new year, I need to get a second (and maybe third) income so I can move out of the room my parents have been so generous as to let me use. (I will also need to finally petition the court to have my child support amount adjusted as I never did that when my income dropped.) Finally, I am determined to again do something that I have not done in some 25 years... I'm going to take up standup comedy again. Only thing is - if I'm going to do that, I have to make sure I remain sufficiently miserable... (Happy people make *lousy* standup comics, you know.)
