In mid-2002, I networked our home computers so that mine was not the only one online.... And so the trouble began...
My XW's idea about being online was not the same as mine: hers was more about "socialization". She re-acquainted with an old HS friend through Classmates, and he introduced her to Yahoo Messenger... You can probably extrapolate the rest of the story from there.
I seem to be "behind the game" constantly: I discovered Peggy Vaughan's excellent materials too late to glean the necessary insight into my own reactions to my XW's online EA, and I discovered DBing too late to put it into play when it might have been feasible... (sigh)
My emotions still tell me she's my wife. We've been best friends for 30 years, were married for twelve (5/92 - 8/04), and had 3 kids: S16, D12, and D11. No A/A/A, and we get along so well, people wonder why we're divorced. I figure many of them suspect something more, some "dark" reason(s)... but no - just a garden variety WAW... (Try explaining THAT!)
My XW's descent into online - and now offline - "activities" is alarming. So much so that I've been "guilty" of spying on her a couple of times in the past year. She is tremendously resentful of this and it drives a huge wedge between us... She's met - and had sex with - at least one guy she found through "chat"; that, for one, makes me concerned for the security of my children. She is a public elementary school teacher, and takes her school laptop home with her most nights. Recently, I verified (after suspecting for some time) that she has been "entertaining" a friend (or more) with a webcam attached to the school's laptop! I confronted her with this knowledge and warned her that if the school monitors these computers as they might (and probably should!), she could find herself in deep trouble, losing her job and even the custody of her children... Of course, there was a big blow up regarding my "spying", but when the smoke cleared, I think she realized (without much acknowledgement beyond "I understand your concerns...") she *was* going too far and pulled back. (To my knowledge, she has not used the webcam since...)
She was somehow able to rationalize her divorce in her own mind as "better for the kids" or I'm sure she'd not have done it; she's always been a good mother and she always put her children first. But I am concerned that in her compulsion she's allowing herself to lose sight of that priority and that her risk-taking will inevitably result in all this coming out somehow - and that will scar my kids emotionally in a way I don't even wish to entertain...
I have tried to make her see that all this is "not her", that she's been led into an insidious, slippery slope by hormones, MLC, congenital emotional disorder, whatever... She insists that "the chat world" is not as evil as I say; that she's made many "good friends". (Yeah, right...) On the other hand, she talks about getting help, but won't do it. (I think she doesn't want to learn that she may have been wrong and may have made a horrible mistake.) To my eyes, the dynamic between us is undeniable, but she insists it doesn't have any deeper meaning and that she & I "will never be again". This in spite of 2 sexual skirmishes in the past year that were - when it comes down to it - about more than just physical satisfaction. (She can be quite reactionary when she finds herself drawing closer to me...)
Anyway, I KNOW this woman. I have faith in her that inevitably she'll "wake up". But I also know that the longer this is allowed to drag on, the more my children are at risk. While logic tells me to be patient, I feel like I'm watching my house burn knowing my kids are inside and being told by police & firemen that I have to "wait for the right time" to run in to save them! My internal conflict is making me volatile, and that's not helping any either...
I guess I just wanted to get my story up here, maybe have someplace to "vent" among like-minded folks so I can stabilize my own moods & stiffen my resolve when needed... Thanks for listening & any feedback given...
