Sara trys to figure things out

[NNP1965]

If anyone is still reading here I am in a BAD place and I don't know where to go from here.

Acting as if has pretty much become my way of life and I had a real hard time doing it this weekend.

I know I have not been doing the right DB things, I think I never really grasped the concept correctly. I am going to try and start over completely and give this truly my best shot.

I know our communication is horrible and I fear bringing anything R up for fear of H taking that opportunity to say again that he does not love me and I don't want to hear that.

But I also feel we need to talk and get some things in the open.

I am very lost and confused. Normally as long as I am acting as if and being cheerful and loving he will "act" the same. But if I have a hard time doing so like this weekend, he becomes REALLY cold and distant.

I know you are saying then act "as if". Well that is not solving anything it is really just me ignoring what is really going on. My acting 'as if' is me truly being in denial and ignoring what is going on. I think I missed where I was suppose to take some action. We (I) can not live in this stage forever. How do I move from acting "as if" to having a truly loving relationship with my H?