NM suggested I post specific things I want to work on and I think that is a good idea. Atleast it's a start, right?
So here goes.
Problems:
H does not tell me he loves me. So I am unable to say it to him even though I want to. The couple of times I have said it in the past several months there has only been silence from him.
H does not make love to me. We have sex quite often, but it is not the same.
H is dishonest about what he does online. Sometimes he closes windows when I come in the room and I can see from the history that he looks at porn and sometimes looks for the woman from last year.
H seems to be slowly spending more and more time on his computer away from the family.
Positives:
H seldom misses an opportunity to hug me.
H has been initiating a good night kiss after we are in bed but before we fall asleep.
H is usually open to anything that I initiate, be it snuggling or more.
H discusses things with me before he does them.
H is not guarding his cell phone like he used to. Early last year he always had it turned off while at home and never allowed it out of his possesion.
I know I am not doing a very good job of relating our problems. I guess that is because I have a hard time figuring out what they are.
If nothing else I think I will use this new thread to journal. Maybe that will help me figure things out and as always I would welcome and input.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
You can probably tell communication has always been a problem for us.
Tomorrow we are looking forward to a quiet day at home, just H myself and our boys. It is time for us to start making traditions of our own in out own home.
I am thankful that I do not have to travel anywhere this year.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
We had a very nice day yesterday. I planned dinner for 5:30 so the Lions would be done getting beat before everyone had to come to the table. One time early in the day I said something and then immediately wished I hadn't said it the way I did. I was upstairs preparing food, H was on his computer and the kids were each in a different part of the house.
I took him a sandwich and said "is this going to be our Thanksgiving?" and he got exasperated and said with a tone "What do you want me to do?" I said "Nothing, just eat your sandwich" and left the room. What I should have said was "will you please peel potatoes for me".
Anyway after a while he came to the kitchen and had the boys each come help me with something, then he asked what he could do and the rest of the day was great! We all cleaned up after dinner and then H suggested we play Monopoly.
This morning he woke me up in a frisky mood and that was VERY nice. Still never an ILU or anything like that.
I am very thankful that this was not last year. I am still not sure how I made it through the day last year.
I have to get better at really telling him what I need when he gives me the opportunity. That will be one of my new goals. Speaking of which, I need to work my my list of goals.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Well it usually helps if several people start figuring so I will be the first:
Quote: H does not tell me he loves me. So I am unable to say it to him even though I want to. The couple of times I have said it in the past several months there has only been silence from him.
Easy. Men don't talk so much as women do. Does not matter. Check the body language and what he does. That will tell you. Use of words (arghh) would just be to do you females a favour and are not worth as much as body language.
Quote: H does not make love to me. We have sex quite often, but it is not the same.
Disagree. It's the same. What else should it be?
Quote: H is dishonest about what he does online. Sometimes he closes windows when I come in the room and I can see from the history that he looks at porn and sometimes looks for the woman from last year.
I understand this is tough. But hey, it's just llike watching films. Just if he watches and likes a crime film, does not mean he's a criminal. Not much you can do, maybe work out and get in shape if you want to or think about trying out whatever he likes online. You may have to be more active in this subject than you normally are.
Quote: H seems to be slowly spending more and more time on his computer away from the family.
As long as he is at his computer he's not going away. Rest see above.
Quote: H seldom misses an opportunity to hug me.
Good.
Quote: H has been initiating a good night kiss after we are in bed but before we fall asleep.
Also Good
Quote: H is usually open to anything that I initiate, be it snuggling or more.
Good
Quote: H discusses things with me before he does them.
Apart form his surf time *gg*
Quote: H is not guarding his cell phone like he used to. Early last year he always had it turned off while at home and never allowed it out of his possesion.
So he's just into cyber porn and not into the real thing with OW. Good, isn't it?
Well jus tmy opinions, you may want to poll a few more. But all in all it looks you are fine.
Excuse me? you're kidding - right? Sex and making love are two very different things. Sex is an act, physical need. Making love is caring about the other person, and wanting to please them and make them feel as good as you can, emotionally and physically. Making love doesn't just happen in the bedroom, it is an ongoing feeling of wanting to be with your partner and how you care about them and treat them all day every day.
Use of words (arghh) would just be to do you females a favour maybe work out and get in shape if you want to or think about trying out whatever he likes online As long as he is at his computer he's not going away.
I don't like most of these responses. Maybe I'm too sensitive because I'm of the female gender?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Zoom, thank you for your input. I don't agree with some of it, but thanks just the same.
One thing you did point out is that there is a lot of good going on in my sitch and you're right there really is. Today is another really good day so far. Thanks for reminding me.
WCW, thank you for stopping by. I think you totally understand what I am trying to get at. While there are many positive things going on, there are some negatives things too and those things are what I am trying to address.
I want to tell you too that I follow your sitch daily.
I also want to share that one year ago today was probably the worst most hurt filled day ever, so I need to keep that in mind too and be thankful for all the positives between H and I.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Hey SS, if you're stopping by I sure wouldn't mind a little input now and then.
Yes, I remember a year ago Thanksgiving.......I'd just as soon forget it, but I was reminded again last night while visiting with friends. Guess that's a story for my own thread.
I think it's okay to try and fix the negatives, but don't get caught up in dwelling on them. Save that for the good stuff!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Glad to see what you posted...now, why don't you start with an *easy* one to work on.
Think of how things are now and how you would like to see them in the future....to me, this one you listed seems to have some easy ideas, although it may not you...
Quote: H seems to be slowly spending more and more time on his computer away from the family.
I don't know how old your children are, but can you perhaps start up a "game night"? Where all of you sit and play monopoly, cards, or...Twister? (devious mind here)...lol.
That would be a start in getting him "away" from the computer and woul dbrng the whole family together. And, if he doesn't want to "play", well then go about it just you & the kids....making sure he can hear all of you laughing & having a good time.
In my opinion, and my opinion only, I find no harm in looking at porn. I've bought my SO subscriptions to Playboy as well as thrown in his "movies" and watched with him...just to spice things up. I find the movies quite humorous, actually. Nothing really erotic about them at all. I won't get into it any further here, since I don't know how YOU feel about it morally. And that is what matters the most. If it goes against your morals.
But, anyway, how about picking "one" thing on your list that you think you can work on changing easily and quickly, post it here and maybe we can come up with ideas & suggestions for you.
Hi NM, thanks for the input. The porn is an issue because it is something he does that is secretive, after he has said he would not.
Several years ago, not long after we got internet access I found that he had been looking at porn and I asked him to please let's do that together to spice things up. He promised he would only look at it with me. However that has not been the case. He seldom brings up looking at something with me, and usually is not interested if I bring it up, but often does it when I am not around. and I am not talking about pretty pictures of nekkid girls.
I used to not think anything was wrong with it as long as both parties agreed, but now I realize that it really is addictive behavior and only benefits one group of people, that is the people making money off of it.
Porn can (and often does) interfere with relationships.
sorry I will get off my soap box now.
We have two boys 10 and 11. We do play games together (Thanksgiving we played Monolpoly). But we could do much more of that type of thing. Thanks for the suggestion.
yesterday for example the boys were playing outside most of the day, I was cleaning and cooking and doing laundry (and occasionally checking my computer) between watching football with H. H spent the entire day in the basement watching football, but also on his computer.
Then this morning he is stressing about all the things he needed to do that he did not get done this weekend
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
In my opinion, men are going to look. They are visual creatures, as we all know and as Hugh Hefner knew - that is why he is now a multi-billionaire. When I first addressed porn in my R with my SO - he was taken aback and I believe, a little embarassed. I think he was expecting me to be disgusted, but instead I was like no big deal. I know it's fantasy - oh well, MY fantasies include beaches, romance, hours & hours of.....blah, blah, blah - Whatever - complete oppposite of what's depicted in the movies. And I'm sure my SO finds sand up his butt just as wierd as I find his movies! LMAO
Maybe your H "hides" the fact that he looks at it because he fears hurting you? Making you angry? The thrill of doing something in secret? Once you change the way you react to him viewing it, maybe that will start the ball rolling in getting him to change.
Do you know what kind of porn he's viewing? I mean, is it normal type stuff or illegal immoral stuff? I mean, there's "straight" sex then there's all those disgusting farm animals, little kids type things that I completely find offensive and disgusting....if my SO was viewing little kid porn or gay porn - then I'd be worried. Really worried. That would be enough to cause me to sever my R with him - immediately.
Jumping off my soap box now, too.
For the game night - yes, since your boys are at the age where pretty soon they won't want to be with Mom & Dad playing games anymore, lol, you can use that time to air grievances from your kids....learn more about them, ask them about their lives, get closer to them, etc. And, even if they resist at 1st, take a stand and with a completely straight face just look at them and say "We're gonna have fun whether it kills us or not. Now, sit down and let's play!" I'm smiling, picturing my 12 year old nephew as I say this - having gone through this with him. He looked at me like I was completely insane, but, in the end, he had tons of fun!!
MY SO does the same thing...he knows there's a ton of things he needs to get done....he'll tell me the whole list. Then, he'll sit down and watch a movie! ??? <Big shrug.> As long as it isn't something "I" really need to have done, lol, I usually just let him be. He's the one who's making more work for himself in the long run, not me. And, on top of that, sometimes I know he's so exhausted from work, that I don't really find it such abig deal.
and that was VERY nice. Still never an ILU or anything like that.
