I think you are exactly correct. You are afraid to let go of her. You are afraid to lovingly detach.
Until you can detach, your world will continue to be dominated by your
EX-wife's feelings
EX-wife's emotions
EX-wife's boyfriends
EX-wife's car problems
EX-wife's relative's perceptions of you
EX-wife's phonecalls to others
EX-wife's offhand comments
Do you see my point? So much of this DBing stuff is based on DETACHING! You will continue to flounder because you are not detached, instead you are roped to a bucking bronc and you can't figure out why getting bashed around on the end of that rope hurts so much, or why you keep getting dragged through the dirt, or stepped on.
So take responsibility for your own happiness and sanity and cut the rope
