Well, I am happy that she is willing to try says that she still loves you. For me, I haven't gotten those words and that hurts alot.
I feel like I am being used and I don't even think she does it on purpose. I have been there for her when she had noone else, as you can see from reading my previous posts. Most people would have never done the things I have done for her; but I di them out of unconditional love. I just wish she would see that. I think she does; but she doesn't know how to deal with it or is just a user.
See, what has happened is that after helping her through all these issues with the Married OM, taking care of them when they were sick, etc. (all initiated by her either calling or asking for my help) she then starts to push away and be indifferent.
My X was going out last night with her friend for dinner and drinks (her parents assumed that she was going to her friends house to hang with her and her husband. They have told her that they would not watch the kids so that she could go out on the town. She gets so controlled by then!!! 40yrs old, complains about it; but then lets it happen!!!). I have noticed that she has this thing about drinking and not caring about having a few too many. She is acting immature. It's like it is party time for all the times we never were able to get out. I used to want to go out with her and have fun; but we never got the chances. Now she is trying to do all those things minus me
Myself, I went to play pool with my coworkers and unfortunately, it is also run by my sister in laws husband. So, he and his wife and my X father in law go. Her husband is fine; but my sister in law and father in law hold something against me and I hate that; because I know whatever it is, that it is not what they think. I made it a point to go say hi to him, ask how he was doing and shake his hand. He Didn't rebuff me; but he was cold and short so, I left it at that. I also talked to my X's sister and asked why they seemed to have issues with me. She stated that she was on the fence about me. She said that I have been in the house since back in October when she had told me not to. However, she now also knows that I have been asked to come in. Like I said they know that I took care of her and the kids when they were sick. They don't know that my X asked me to come in a few different times to talk to her when she was scared of what was going to happen with her dr. appt and maybe having contracted something from the OM. She also stated how my X was skating up the street from where I work and that I showed up there. Hell, my X told me she would be there!!! So, I had dropped by for a minute. Her sister now sees that my X gives mixed signals and that is why she has been on the fence about me. I told her that things are not always what they seem to be and that I have been there for her sister when needed; but that is all I can say. (I promised my X that I wouldn't say anything about married OM)
It seems that when X and I are by ourselves that she is much more cordial and talks. Lately, it seems that she has retreated from that a little too though. I am lost and wondering why??? Hell, I was there for her during all these difficult times when most probably wouldn't have been because of the circumstances and the fact that most inolved the OM stuff. She cried and needed my help and I was there without judgement, etc. Unconditional love!!! Then it seems like she is doing a full retreat now that the problems seem to be out of the way!!!
Do I think she is using me? Not on purpose I don't; but it still hurts.I really thought we were getting somewhere; but now she either is past her issues, or thinks she is or she has no idea how to fix things and so she pushes away!!!
I still love her and would love to see things work, like Just_Me and Wllow seem to be doing and really thought there was a shot; but now I don't know. Am I to continue DBing with her and trying or do I jsut give up??? I don't want to; but she needs to come to me and that is not happening. I really thought that being there for her during her difficult times as she asked me to be would make things click in her head about what love really is. Maybe it has; but she isn't exactly showing it. I nstead she goes out with her friend and keeps me at a distance. If she is afraid of hurting me by saying something, then say it and get it over with; because if there is no hope for us, then it just hurts more for me to keep going this way. Also, I made her that promise to not say anyting about OM and my X wants go to her grave without her family ever finding out. I am finding this to be a heavy burden and should never have promised her that. Here I sit looking like a bad guy in there eyes and the truth is that I am not. I don't want to bring her down for her mistake; but I also hate being the bad guy. I don't deserve that.
I try and GAL; but I have a tough time; because on weekends that I don't have the kids, I have noone to hang with, etc. I am not good for volunteering, etc. I'm just alone. I do see friends; but on weekends they are doing family things
I don't want to give up; but I don't know how to keep going either. She gets to go out, have an affair with a married man, and then gets the kids too. Seems unfair doesn't it?
Frank
On top of that I call my brither last night to wish him happy birthday and unlike im, he answers and is crying and says I will call you back and don't call mom and dad. I never heard back from him???
