I went to workout with my stepson and then dropped him off and went inside to say hi to the kids. When I got there, she was on the phone. I kind of did what I used to do and asked her you on with your sister? She nodded no. So, I went downstairs and gave the kids a hug and when I came back up she was sitting in the boys bedroom. Before I was about to leave, I was going to say bye to her and I asked her if she was going to be on the phone for a bit?? She nodded yes and so I grabbed her hand and said you didn't have any calls today did you? She nodded no. So, I said okay...have a good night and talk to you tomorrow. She then proceeded to go sit on the couch in the living room. Nodded okay and I left.
Not sure why she went to the other room...I guess it doesn't matter; but that part of me that said hmm...she doesn't want me to hear her conversation??? Like I said I have to work on that. I guess that was better than indifference??? lol Frank
Nothing has gone wrong; but posting; because it is hard to not have anxiety over this. I'm sure some of you know that it is real hard to want to see things change and want to do or say certain things to the X; but know that it is not the right thing to do. I just need to vent...I am trying hard to have hope; but not be so hopeful that I end up disappointed and that is the part that is so hard. To see what you want to believe are signs from her; but in the end they may not be. Or maybe they are and that it just takes time.
Just Me and I have pointed this out before. Man, you really need to do something...anything, to take your focus off of your W! It is neither good nor healthy for you to have this much focus on another human being. If you don't learn to stop doing this, and you do get another shot with your W, it's not going to work if you keep this up.
Please, start focusing on yourself. And if you can't, then find something else to focus on. Read a book. Check out the news. Plan your dinner. Write a grocery list. Go for a walk. Anything.
I know; but I just have these bad days. I see hope and try hard not to get too up for it. Like tonight I usually go out with my friend and he is on business. So, when I drop the kids off, there is a want to be able to sit and talk to her; but I know that might be a push. I guess her signals are that she still cares and that there is probably hope; but I guess I wonder what holds her back, if that is the case.
Believe me, I do things; but after awhile, it gets boring and such. I am not a big reader and I am more of a people person; but when I am out with a group of people, the fact that I am not with anyone definitely comes into my head. I do keep busy and on Tuesday swam and today workout at the YMCA...Just what makes me a good engineer is my ability to think of all the possibilities. It is that same skill that causes all this thinking about her and I.
Frank
P.S. When you see stories parallel to your own, like Just, you start to get some hope that your sitch will go the same way. Also, for the past year, there was no hope and then since November, it has gotten better and that is the part that confuses me. Like I said I try to temper thos fellings; but it is hard.
Man, what the hell am I doing? I still love her; but she is going to drive me crazy. Tonight I had the kids. She usually has one of her sisters and her husband over and dreads that she is there. Just before I left, she was a little funky and then she seemed okay and even made a comment about how "yeah, I'm a real great person"...Basically cutting herself down. So, I say "Hey you're not perfect; but we all make mistakes. You are not a bad person" Well, before I left with the kids, she got a call from her other sister and told her sure come over too.
When I dropped the kids off, her other sister and all my nieces and nephews and her parents were there. So, I said hello. Picked up each of the nieces and nephews and gave them a big hug and talked to them.
My X though was funky like she usually is when they are around. She tells me how much they drive her nuts; but then she acts nice with them and standoffish to me
I said to her on the side, I will meet Thomas, my stepson, tomorrow. She says "If that's what you want to do." Say what??? She and I talked about this and I was just mentioning it!!!
Hell, I have been there for her before and all through this scare at the doctors, through all the crap with this OM, etc. I know I chose to do this; but what is hard is to have stood by her, been there for her and support her as she cries to me and then I get that type of treatment when I am there. Iwas the only person she could turn to in all of this and does it matter to her??? I would think most people would think so and for most, it would be a defining moment of what loving someone is all about. Am I a fool or is she just having a tough time bringing me back into the picture because of what she has told her family about us?
You know what eats at me is that I was there for her, promised to keep her secret. She never wants her parents to find out about the married OM!!! So, here I am walking around with all this knowledge and having to keep it in and she gets the kids with her, gets to keep living life as if she did nothing. Meanwhile, in her parents eyes, I continue to be the bad guy. I guess that is the price you pay to try and work things out. She gets to look liek she is the good one.
I want to work things out; but I continue to question why??? And no it isn't for the kids. But at some point she needs to do something. She owes me that much for being there for her.
Just as I was about to leave, her mom, who dislikes everyone, but that is for another time, says "Frank, thanks for the pictures" (School pictures) I said no problem I had extras and figured I wouldgive them to you. I also gave her sisters some too.
I just wonder sometimes whether it is all worth it??? I hope so; but WTF is going on. I know if someone stood by me like I did with her, that would say alot and I would speak up.
To top it off, I have been in the process of moving out of my parents house to temporary apartment. Well, my mom, who I allowed to make me who I became, (Just like her mom did to her. Yes, we allowed ourselves to become the way we are and we are to blame for that) comes into the kitchen as I stopped to help my son with his homework. I was cleaning the table off from dinner and she asks where the sponge is. I hand it to her and she says "You didn't wipe off the stove!!!" I said to her "I wasn't finished. I stopped to help my son with his homework, ok?" SHe says no it isn't. She is basically a good person; but she is anal about everything and over the years, she has driven me nuts. She then starts dumping on me in front of my kids and I get upset and tell her I wasn't finished... I stoppedto help my son...She just keeps getting worse and my dad tries to intervene; but she just complains.
Sorry for the ranting; but I has to let all this out somewhere!!!
Also, there is a woamn who I could probably ask out; but as I said before in a previous post, I think it would be unfair to her. In this DBing stuff, am I allowed to tell my X I am disappointed in how she is being with me?
Frank
So, Just_Me, Wllow or anyone else, IS this normal behavior at this point of her sitch? Is this something to ride out for now or am I getting indications to give? So many mixed signals. She needed me last week this week a month ago and shows signs; but then acts the total opposite? IS this confusion or is she done needing me? Believe me, I will give fixing this my all; but I can't just keep wondering also???
Mine is doing the samething. Its crazy, but right now I think my wife or I should say X is so eaten up by guilt she is having a hard time just dealing with reality at times. So she parties and has sex with young guys.
I jsut wish I knew whether my X is pulling back because of guilt like Just_Me had said happens or if she is done with needing me
I love her; but I feel like I can't do this much longer without losing it or getting some resolution. But as Just also said...Patience and this will be a rollercoaster. Never was much for rollercoasters in real life let alone what is happening here. I guess I just need someone to encourage me to stick with it for now if they have experineced success by doing so.
Well ill tell you in the last 2 weeks my wife has really told me more then once that she really is thinking of trying again, and that she does love me. We are now divorced tho, so who knows what will happen, but she does not want to live being reminded everyday of the affair and the other crap that has gone on.
Whats funny tho is that we still have a active sex (safe) life and spend most weeknights together with my daughter. And boy does she get mad when she thinks im seeing someone lol.
Well, I am happy that she is willing to try says that she still loves you. For me, I haven't gotten those words and that hurts alot.
I feel like I am being used and I don't even think she does it on purpose. I have been there for her when she had noone else, as you can see from reading my previous posts. Most people would have never done the things I have done for her; but I di them out of unconditional love. I just wish she would see that. I think she does; but she doesn't know how to deal with it or is just a user.
See, what has happened is that after helping her through all these issues with the Married OM, taking care of them when they were sick, etc. (all initiated by her either calling or asking for my help) she then starts to push away and be indifferent.
My X was going out last night with her friend for dinner and drinks (her parents assumed that she was going to her friends house to hang with her and her husband. They have told her that they would not watch the kids so that she could go out on the town. She gets so controlled by then!!! 40yrs old, complains about it; but then lets it happen!!!). I have noticed that she has this thing about drinking and not caring about having a few too many. She is acting immature. It's like it is party time for all the times we never were able to get out. I used to want to go out with her and have fun; but we never got the chances. Now she is trying to do all those things minus me
Myself, I went to play pool with my coworkers and unfortunately, it is also run by my sister in laws husband. So, he and his wife and my X father in law go. Her husband is fine; but my sister in law and father in law hold something against me and I hate that; because I know whatever it is, that it is not what they think. I made it a point to go say hi to him, ask how he was doing and shake his hand. He Didn't rebuff me; but he was cold and short so, I left it at that. I also talked to my X's sister and asked why they seemed to have issues with me. She stated that she was on the fence about me. She said that I have been in the house since back in October when she had told me not to. However, she now also knows that I have been asked to come in. Like I said they know that I took care of her and the kids when they were sick. They don't know that my X asked me to come in a few different times to talk to her when she was scared of what was going to happen with her dr. appt and maybe having contracted something from the OM. She also stated how my X was skating up the street from where I work and that I showed up there. Hell, my X told me she would be there!!! So, I had dropped by for a minute. Her sister now sees that my X gives mixed signals and that is why she has been on the fence about me. I told her that things are not always what they seem to be and that I have been there for her sister when needed; but that is all I can say. (I promised my X that I wouldn't say anything about married OM)
It seems that when X and I are by ourselves that she is much more cordial and talks. Lately, it seems that she has retreated from that a little too though. I am lost and wondering why??? Hell, I was there for her during all these difficult times when most probably wouldn't have been because of the circumstances and the fact that most inolved the OM stuff. She cried and needed my help and I was there without judgement, etc. Unconditional love!!! Then it seems like she is doing a full retreat now that the problems seem to be out of the way!!!
Do I think she is using me? Not on purpose I don't; but it still hurts.I really thought we were getting somewhere; but now she either is past her issues, or thinks she is or she has no idea how to fix things and so she pushes away!!!
I still love her and would love to see things work, like Just_Me and Wllow seem to be doing and really thought there was a shot; but now I don't know. Am I to continue DBing with her and trying or do I jsut give up??? I don't want to; but she needs to come to me and that is not happening. I really thought that being there for her during her difficult times as she asked me to be would make things click in her head about what love really is. Maybe it has; but she isn't exactly showing it. I nstead she goes out with her friend and keeps me at a distance. If she is afraid of hurting me by saying something, then say it and get it over with; because if there is no hope for us, then it just hurts more for me to keep going this way. Also, I made her that promise to not say anyting about OM and my X wants go to her grave without her family ever finding out. I am finding this to be a heavy burden and should never have promised her that. Here I sit looking like a bad guy in there eyes and the truth is that I am not. I don't want to bring her down for her mistake; but I also hate being the bad guy. I don't deserve that.
I try and GAL; but I have a tough time; because on weekends that I don't have the kids, I have noone to hang with, etc. I am not good for volunteering, etc. I'm just alone. I do see friends; but on weekends they are doing family things
I don't want to give up; but I don't know how to keep going either. She gets to go out, have an affair with a married man, and then gets the kids too. Seems unfair doesn't it?
Frank
On top of that I call my brither last night to wish him happy birthday and unlike im, he answers and is crying and says I will call you back and don't call mom and dad. I never heard back from him???
Or maybe they are and that it just takes time. 
