I doubt anyone can answer this exactly, but your situation is very similar to what mine used to be. She was fine with going out to dinner with me, talking, hugging, comforting, but I never got any closer. Look back at the book. If you don't succeed with your efforts there may be several reasons, one of which is ANOTHER MAN/ANOTHER WOMAN. So I'm suggesting that you continue to be yourself, be the new improved you, and let the relationship with the OM run its course. My XW when she came back said that our issues had been resolved. That the only thing that held her back was this "OM" that she was being true to. While this person was just an EA with an internet person, it still has an impact on success. When OM is out of the way she might see you in a new light. But Frank, she isn't going to discuss trying again or anything else with you until OM is out of the picture and until she has a chance to work through her issues. I don't blame you for being the fall back guy, I didn't either. You'll just have to see if she's worked through her issues, sincerely realizes her mistakes, and wants you to give her another chance. That is why patience is important now and not pushing hard. Just be a friend and supportive.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Thanks...I guess I just need words of encouragement sometimes so that I don't push. It tears my heart out to have her let me hold her, hug her or that she does something with us and hten I feel that she is distant. I wonder if it is me she doesn't want or something. I know I am worth being with and that someday it will be with someone. I just don't know how to let her go yet. I don't want to; but I also get scared that I am never going to get anywhere. I still love her; but does she love me back. How can she if she cared for that other man and was physical with him?
You mention being patient and supportive. I have tried to be those things and still do; but it is hard sometimes to seethe line where being supportive becomes pathetic.
As you said she left me and I still hold hope that she will realize that she made a mistake; but what if she doesn't? Then I have put my life on hold for someone ; but I can't pursure something else right now. That would be unfair to another person...However, I feel alone and that sucks.
Also, it's hard to have been able to hold her hug her and then have her lay with me and then go cold turkey because she has pulled back. Antoher thing is that I think that if she cared, she would be calling me...Am I wrong in this? I s inot time to call or is the non-calls and indication that she doesn't care?
Quote: Also, it's hard to have been able to hold her hug her and then have her lay with me and then go cold turkey because she has pulled back. Antoher thing is that I think that if she cared, she would be calling me...Am I wrong in this? I s inot time to call or is the non-calls and indication that she doesn't care?
Tman, too much focus on her still. You can get a life/have a life that doesn't involve filling that life with another person because you're lonely. Keep doing what you are doing with friends and exercise. Perhaps quit being so physical for awhile and quit being quite so available. She's allowing you to do those things, but I can tell you that I didn't make any headway at all until she got the sense I was letting go or had let go and quit hugging and being around. Tman, my XW didn't come back until I had reached the conclusion that we were done and had quit with the wondering when she would get off the snide and admit she cared.
Frank, you have put all your eggs into the basket that says "she loves me (I think) and will eventually come to her senses." That is a set-up for disappointment. It's better to be pleasantly surprised that she does come around than crushed that things are truly over. As for her feelings: From what you said I believe she does still have feelings for you. She might not think it's love and if those feelings do surface, I suspect that she squashes them. When she's distant it may be an active effort to make it clear to you that she doesn't love you. But should she work through her issues with OM and with herself, she may realize that she loved you all along. Just give it time. Don't call her and don't get upset when she doesn't call you. Mine didn't call me either. It doesn't mean it's hopeless, just that she's not ready.
Frank, the focus needs to still be on yourself. That means quit thinking about what aloofness and silence means. Quit being disappointed by lack of calls. You have a moment here when you can enjoy your singleness. Take advantage of it.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I hear you; but like I said before it's hard to do that. I went to the Y today and swam a few laps. I also go out; but it sucks alot of the time; because it is by myself. The only time I get together with friends is when I go to there house. I know you know this; but it is lonely. I enjoy hanging with someone. I have over the years before I was married ahd too many of those days. Hidden beneath all the smiles I had was loneliness.
As far as taking advantage of my singleness, I originally had gotten to the point where I had joined 2 dating sites and was okay with dating and such. Then like I said, since late November, things were different with her and I...Yes, at that time she was still involved with OM; but it was different. I try not to put all my eggs in one basket; but that too is hard. I mean she seemed okay with me working out with my stepson. So, my thinking isthat it it was an issue or her then she wouldn't have said okay. I agree that she still has feelings for me; but does she stay around out of guilt or need??? Hell if anyone knows. I just know that our problems from our marriage are fixable and I just worry that she might want to eventually try; but is afraid to because of her parents, the shane of what she has done, etc.
That to me would be a tough thing to overcome. Meanwhile, as much as I love her, I wonder if I am waiting for nothing???
I know this post is pretty much similar to some of my other ones; but I have never experienced anything like this. Usually, in a relationship, it ends. This one seems not to and maybe it is like she said way back, an attempt to just try and get along; but I think there is more than that. Well, I know I think too much about this; but my thinking is what also makes me good as an Engineer. I now what happens when you assume; but to me, if I had no interest and was just tryingto get along, then I would not be doing what she is doing or letting me do...Does that mean she loves me??? I have no idea and maybe neither does she right now. I just don't want to walk away and never ask, if some time goes by.
SOmetimes you just want to say something to nudge her likes it's alright and yes, I am pissed at you; but I still would like to try and you can trust that the past is the past with me; but I know that either isn't right to do or she isn't ready for that.
Having patience is real hard. Not showing disappointment when she is aloof is hard. See for me I look and say she doesn't care when she does that; but then she does things like going to dinner or bowling or skating???
THe additional thing is things like when my stepson and I workout, I drop him off and as much as I want to sometimes just drop him off and go, there is the other part that wants to say hi to the kids while I am there. That has nothing to do with her; but maybe to her, it looks like I am going in to talk to her...Yes, sometimes that is the case; but yesterday I just wanted to see my kids...Beyond her and I, I miss them so much.
Frank
BTW, Just, you mentioned that you had snow te other day when I did...I assume you probably live in the Northeast???
Quote: Having patience is real hard. Not showing disappointment when she is aloof is hard. See for me I look and say she doesn't care when she does that; but then she does things like going to dinner or bowling or skating???
Maybe she doesn't care or maybe she doesn't want to care or maybe she has other things on her mind or maybe she's having PMS. We are going round and round here. Your emotions are tied to her. Try your hardest to extricate your feelings from what she is or isn't doing. Frank, be yourself. If that says, "I want to see my kids since I'm here", then do it. Greet her in passing, but just take the time to see your kids and go with a pleasant goodbye. You don't have to go out of your way to avoid her, just don't go out of your way to show her that you care. Even married you would have to learn to deal with her being aloof, standoffish, or moody. Practice dealing with it.
I'm not in the Northeast. I'm in North Dakota.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Just got a call from my X. She needs me to watch Frankie so that she can end this once and for all. She is not going to change her number, etc. She feels that meeting him face to face in a public area is what she needs to do. He keeps calling thinking that things will pick up from where they left off.
I told her that I am behind her and will do that. I also found out that her sister that I am close to knows alot of what is going on. Maybe Iam the only one available to watch himthat knows details; but maybe she chose me because I have helped her??? Truning point? who knows...Guess I have to take your advice and just be patient and trust her in what she is doing
Well, she went and told him to leave her alone and if he didn't, that she has all the stuff he has given her and that she would give it to his wife. She called me when she was finished to let me know that she was okay on on her way back to get our son. She told me that he cried and told her why di you betray me, I loved you. Her response was no, you played me and I fell for it. SHe also told him that other neighbors had noticed stuff and also that someone else knew that he was like this before it even started (That would be me ;-) )
She told him to leave her the ---- alone and not to call her house again, etc.
She came to get our son and told me thanks. I told her no problem, I told you that I would be there. I then said we will have to chat about this some other time over coffee...she said ok. Then she drove off. I am sure there will be alot of ups and owns from her and there are no guarantees that she will want to ever work on an us; but at least she saw the light on htis guy and for her and my kids sake that is better.
Okay, now here's the weird part. I stopped off at a restaurant that I frequent often to grab some dinner before heading over to my friends house. Well, I am sitting at the bar and who comes in but my X and stepson. She looks over and sees me I wave and she waves back. So, I walk over and say hi and we all end up eating together. (They had a bout an hour because my daughter was at dance.) It was nice; but believe it or not I actually felt like I wish they hadn't come there. Not because I didn't want to sit with them or see them; but because I didn't want to overload her on me!!!
Quote: It was nice; but believe it or not I actually felt like I wish they hadn't come there. Not because I didn't want to sit with them or see them; but because I didn't want to overload her on me!!!
There you go, you're getting it. I think that's the attitude for the moment. Frank, if it is truly over with OM it may take a month or two for her to resolve those feelings. Just be patient.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Thanks and I feel like maybe you didn't know that I always felt that way. I want to see my kids including my stepson. I want to see her and would everyday if I could without causing a push away; but I know that it isn't there yet. So, as much as I want this and want to see them, things like last night are a good thing; but I worry that it may have repercussions of too much time together!!! lol
FOr instance, I get my kids Every Thursday and every other weekend. As well as every other TUesday when I don't see them on the weekend. And now, I started working out with my stepson on Mon, Wed and Fri. and then drop him off at her house. That means that other than The weekends I don't have the kids, I see her more than I ever did and that is not my intention; but it is how it is because of these things. I just don't want to overload her and scare her off; because as you say and I realize, she is still working things in her mind.
Antoher thing is that I think that if she cared, she would be calling me...Am I wrong in this? I s inot time to call or is the non-calls and indication that she doesn't care?
