One additional comment. Did I blow it by getting a little close too fast? Is it recoverable? I know I shouldn't worry about her and should worry more about myself; but it is hard to back away from someone you love when you think there might be a chance. You tend to push the limits, even though that is not a good idea right now. I have a hard time stepping back, even though I know I need to. I guess my fear of letting her go a bit after helping her and being a little close is scary and I am afraid to lose her. But I can't lose something I don't have right now and like Just said, I need to let her come to me. I just hope that I didn't scare her off by my actions yesterday.
Ok...another quick update and wierd twist??? My X came to drop of the kids at noon and my daughter states that my X might meet us at skating???? Let's see, she said last night that she couldn't because she was going to visit her friend??? Well, I said oh, you're going to go skating? SHe yes, I'll meet you guys there. Now this is the rink in our old town and she knows that I meet some of our old neighbors there.
So, she comes says hi to some of them and then I told her that our daughter wanted her to show the kids spins and jumps...She does and thentalks to some of the neigbors I know and seems okay with it; but at one point seems a little funky; but in the end is ok. About 5mins from the end of skating I hear her tell our daughter that she is going around one more time. Earlier I had asked her if she wanted to come to grab a bite with us before heading back and she said she had grocery shopping and cleaning to do at the house. So, I let it go.
She said bye and left before us??? One of my neighbors had asked her if she missed the old neighborhood and she said yes; but I had to leave because of the next door neighbors??? Hmm, seems like she is telling everyone that there was an issue??? Hopefully, that is helping her...For me, it just raises questions as to why she went...I know don't question it and I didn't....Was glad she was there; but inside hoping she went because of me...Hey, I guess I'll take what I can get for now. I just tried to leave her be and chattedwith her just like everyone else.
And I didn't hug her, etc. Trying hard to just let things take their course; but it is real hard.
Frank
P.S. I had asked my daughter earlier if she had asked her mom to go and she said no, she just took her skkates and said she might go???
You haven't shot yourself in the foot with anything otherwise she would simply stay away, but you are pushing the issue. Going by the old neighborhood and hanging out until she gets home sounds a little much. In my opinion, for every step she takes towards you, you take five. Doing things together sounds good, but it is the add on invites, etc, that may be too much.
My thinking is that now is the time to make sure you are continuing to do things for yourself as well. Frank, there may be a day or two of silence and there may be times she's aloof. You are way too focused on it. You still need to keep the focus on yourself and wait for her to be direct with you. Buddy, she knows you love her. She knows you'll be there for her. It's time to let her sort through her own things (by herself) and contact you when she's ready. There just isn't enough proof yet that she's quite ready. If you come on too strong I feel that she may choose to bolt. She needs to commit to a course of action that involves you.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I think you misunderstand a part of my post. I did not go to the neighborhood where she lives or did I know she would be going there. I went to visit our neighbors from the old neighborhood we lived in when we were married. It was a nice day and sunny so I left work on time and I pass by there on my way home. I still keep in contact with some of them and go out with them. So, it was just by coincidence that I was there when she was. My stepson was supposed to go to his dad's on Friday and his dad had to work so he ended up staying at one of our old neighbors house. That is how this all came to be. I wasn't stalking or following her!!!
As far as the skating, I had mentioned it to her and she said she was busy. So, I dropped it. It was her yesterday that decided to go...I never asked her again nor did the kids.
Also, I do do things for myself. I meet up with 2 different friends on 2 different days. I go out and meet up with some acquaintances that I have met over the past year, workout, etc. I don't stay home alot. I am also unpacking the apartment that I have. Unfortunately, I don't know if I want to stay there for long. Just temporary.
Wllow, was that a list for you? I am doing stuff, just that with the kids and all, I am too busy some weeks and not enough others.
Frank
P.S. My stepson and I were supposed to start working out together a few times a week. FOr me to keep doing it and for him to get motivated. It is snowing today and school was cancelled, so I have to call the X to see if he is still meeting me there.
Just to address the GAL that youasked for awhile back. I have been dong alot of things for me. I mentioned a few up in the post to Just. ANyway, I have gotten out, met new friends, renewed old acquaintances, etc. My X even knows that through some of our innocuos conversations. She ahs made comments, like gee you've been busy. Or Gee, your hanging out with alot of people. Well, not really; but when the need arose, I do that. When I am settled in my own place again, I will probably do a few more things; but I am constricted by being at my parents.
OH, yeah and I bought myself a new HDTV...56" IS that okay??? lol
Quote: OH, yeah and I bought myself a new HDTV...56" IS that okay??? lol
No...too small
Sorry for the misunderstanding. I'm glad you weren't stalking her. Still, let her invite herself or invite you to do something. Next time you are together, don't invite her to dinner. As long as she keeps turning you down I feel like she's not there yet. Believe me, the day she decides she wants to try again with you, you'll know it. She's comfortable enough around you to tell you. Let me remind you of something...she left, not you...this should be her asking for another chance, not you asking for her to give YOU another chance. If you get on that footing with her you'll always second guess when she's going to dash off again. Let her have the space and the time to commit herself to a relationship with you and just keep being yourself.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I partially agree with what you are saying; but as much as she did leave; I had a part in how I was acting at the time that made her go. Yes, it wasn't enough in my mind to make her leave; but... (The affair, she keeps telling me happened after we had split and she wanted me to know that it wasn't the reason. ) So, I see it as we both had a fault in the breakup.
Anyway, I didn't invite her Friday night...that was one of our old neighbors saying we should go to dinner with the kids. So, I asked; but away from anyone else, so she could say no if she wanted to.
Quote: I had a part in how I was acting at the time that made her go. Yes, it wasn't enough in my mind to make her leave; but... (The affair, she keeps telling me happened after we had split and she wanted me to know that it wasn't the reason. ) So, I see it as we both had a fault in the breakup.
Of course you had a part and hopefully you've addressed those things. But she had faults as well, and that includes running away from the marriage. And don't kid yourself about the "affair had nothing to do with it". That played a HUGE role. My XW said those same words, but basically now admits that if this other person hadn't been in the picture she would have tried a long time before.
Frank, for whatever amount of time this has been since divorce, you have pursued and she has rejected. She's let you be a little close, but keeps you at arms length. Now what if she calls you today and says, "Frank, I've decided to give you another chance. I want to see if you are the man for me." Does that sound like a great thing? She'll just see if you are okay?
Or would you prefer it if she says she's been thinking about you and her and she knows she's made mistakes that she regrets and she wants you to consider giving her another chance or trying again with her?
I'm probably getting the cart in front of the horse, but I do think that you need to get in a position with her where she doesn't feel like you are wrapped around her finger or where all she has to do to get you back is say, "okay, I'll give YOU another shot."
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I hear you; but man it's hard to do. For instance, I went to workout with my stepson; because my X had told me that he had wanted someone to workout with him and when he asked her, she told him she didn't have enough time because of the other kids. So, I told her I could do it and she seemed okay with that. Just that when I dropped him off, I think she was in one of those funky states of indifference.
Let me ask you something. Am I to read much into the indifference that crops up from time to time. OR the fact that she has never mentioned anything about trying or working on things. I mean, I know there is probably a comfort zone in dealing with me and her problems; but the fact that she got involved wit hanother guy, wouldn't that say she has no interest in me??? I guess I don't understand how you can go from divorcing someone, to dating a married guy and then actually want back the guy you divorced? Wouldn't the things that they left for be the same reasons they stay away from trying? I don't want to be the guy she settles on because I am at least better than nothing. But how long do you wait to see changes. WHat I mean by that is , if you were hypothetically willing to wait an infinite time, how long would be too long before you should know it never will fix itself? I guess I am just wanting to get a direction. I mean, what if she never speaks up; but I am allowed to go into her house, have the random gettogethers, etc.; but she never says I want to work on this with you. I mean, sure I would eventually give up and move on; but I guess what I am asking is will she eventually choose one or the ther or will she just keep this going the way it is?
I guess I am askingfor those who have experienced it, if my doubt is normal or accurate and that things won't ever change from what they are or if those of you who have been successful, went through the same things. I know each sitch is different; but it seems that most of you at least had them admitting that they cared. I have yet to get htat from her other than, "Of course I care about you, you are my kids dad?" Not exactly a ringing endorsement!!! I guess I am having that self doubt that it will ever be more than it is and I would like it to be. It's when you are talking to her about something and she out of the blue says "I've got it under control and all set"... Noone ever said she didn't. I was just talking in general and it seems like there is this need to say I can make it on my own without help.
