Well, just going to put down what I am feeling this morning. I tossed and turned all night. Part of me is lost as to what is happening....the other is afraid that I messed up...My problem is that no matter how involved I get in other thingsto take my mind off of my sitch, it keeps creeping up and engulfs my day.
I hate feeling helpless. I hate that she gets emotional, (never did before), and I don't know the reason....Is it guilt? Is it an illness she has or may have contracted something from the PA? Is afraid to tell me she cares because of what she has done and feels I won't accept her?
I know spinning my wheels and getting nowhere. I had been doing so well a month or so ago with GAL; but ever since that day that she and I talked at the parade and agreed to go for a drink, it has been hard. It's like she is right there; but afraid to come over the fence. Maybe I am wrong and he doesn't want anything as far as an us. All I know is that I still love her; but I want to share my life with her or someone. I do things to keep busy; but I enjoy sharing my life with someone and I miss that.
I am not old; but I am not young either. I feel like if I wait for her and nothing happens for us, that I will just fall apart. On the other hand, I feel like if I move on and she comes to me later on, that I will be lost. I hate that we are both at different phases of healing or being who we wnat to be. For me, I have worked through alot of the ways I don't want to be and feel I am a better person than I was the last few years and someone that she or anyone would love to be with; but for her I feel like her journey has just started...And when it ends, will she want an US??? I feel like I should wait for her and then I feel like I shouldn't because of the fear that she may not want to come back.
I guess it is her emotions that she never shows, now being shown that confuse me as to what she may want or feels.
