What do I make of this???

[tmanboodi]

This move would put me closer to the kids and to my work; but I have never been good at changes like this. I fear having to make new acquaintances up here if I chose to go here...I just spent the past year making some new acquaintances down there. My X even made a comment Friday that I seem to be hanging around with alot of people.

You asked if I fear moving on from her? Maybe a bit; but I also know that there are other people out there that I am attractedto...they just won't be the mother of my kids and for me, that complicates things. In the end, that may be for the best; but I am afraid sometimes of that too.

As far as her reneging...Oh, I have seen that with my cousin, whose X said let's work it out and then at the dinner they were having with family changed her mind right there. My cousin has since remarried and my X actaully thought he was the nicest guy!!!.

I have the apartment; but feel like I will lose part of my freedom, as I will have my kids overnight every other weekend and that she will get more freedom and see other people around and since I am not there, not think of me in comparison.

Also, anther reason I would move this way is so that I can be naer my job and spend less on gas. I could meet my kids friends and their parents. I couldnot have to deal with the issue of having to drive a half hour on the weekends I have them to get them to their religious Education classes. It would avoid a stupid conflict between her and I that would not occur if we were together or were in the same town. My downside is that if she and I never got together and she moved on before I did, would I be able to deal with being in the same town??? I will never know that until it happens. Maybe it will make me stronger???

I guess I fear that if I come on too strong, it will be over; but if I sit back, she may not know how to approach me.

Well, that's my problem I guess. When I have the kids, she will be free and vice versa. So, how do you know whether to ask her to do things or not? The times she is free is when I havethe kids. :-(

One addtional thing that was always and issue for her is that I want her to know that I value that she is a person. I remember when we got married and moved to the area I grew up in...it always seemed to bother her to be called Frank's wife...I agree...She was not just Frank's wife...she was a person, separete from me...How do I let her know that I feel this way?

[tmanboodi]

Well, just got a call from the X and it was about her attorney wanting to know what was happening with the 401K split. We were fine; but I guess my attorney told hers that I had issues with her??? Not true. It was just making sure all the numbers were right.

BTW, she did see me on Sunday behind her. We talked for a few minutes more and then I told her I would see her later when I picked up the kids.

All in all the conversation went fine; but I guess I am always looking for something to either go right or wrong. I guess I just don't know if I am to interpret that conversation as meaning she doesn't care for me. Yes, we are divorced; but I guess I am the type to analyze the conversations!!! :-(

Frank

[Just_Me]

it always seemed to bother her to be called Frank's wife...I agree...She was not just Frank's wife...she was a person, separete from me...How do I let her know that I feel this way?

Tell her. You can say you heard someone say it and you wanted to tell her..."XW, you weren't just Frank's wife to me. I see you as more than that and your own person. Just wanted you to know that."

When I have the kids, she will be free and vice versa. So, how do you know whether to ask her to do things or not? The times she is free is when I havethe kids. :-(

So you've essentially always been asking her on real dates? What's wrong with making plans with the kids..say to see a movie or go to dinner..and asking her if she'd like to go along? Drop it casually, "wan't to come along?" I should clarify my sitch. Over 90% of the time I did something with my XW it also included her kids, my kids, or both sets. We hardly ever had a real date with just us two. Perhaps that is a limiting factor that you should consider.

[tmanboodi]

Just,

Yes, on 3 occassions I have asked her to go out by herself. Once before we went for drinks, the time we actually did go about a month and a half ago and recently for the concert, which she said I shouldn;t go and you know why...to which I said guilt??? Never talked further about that.

Usually, it is the case where I ask her to go with us when I have the kids. She has only gone once and that was recently. Just after Christmas. Haven't said much since then...So, I do try and includethe kids as I also believe that it is the best way to get comfortable.

Frank

[tmanboodi]

Well, I kind of screwed up tonight. When I dropped the kids off, I was helping my daughter figure out her homework and didn't realize that my X's mom was coming over because she was headed out. Stupid me said jokingly, I thought you couldn't go out on a school night...

We taloked a little bit and *I mentioned the concert one last time and she said again "You know I shouldn't go" I said why...she finally responded with "It would be like a date and I am not ready to date anyone." She started to hold back tears. I asked her what was the matter and she said "Nothing"...getting composure and then starting to get emotional again??? I said come here and I gave her a hug and told her that I care what happens to her.

As I was leaving I told her that I didn't care what other family members thought and that this was just about what the 2 of us thought...She still held back tears and said "I'm fine". I told her that I am there for her if she needed to talk and that I hold nothing against her for what has happened between us. She replied "I appreciate that". I then walked out the door and headed home.

I feel bad that I pushed and will tell her on Thursday when I get the kids that I didn't mean to push at her and that I just wanted to be there for her if she needed me.

I wish I knew what was going on in her head. IF it is over for us or if she is just confused. Anyway, I did hold back from telling I loved her....Wanted to; but didn't...

THis is real hard.

Just_Me, I feel like I am going through what you di and am just not sure how it will go for me or how to stay neutral right now. I just hope I didn't mess things up by my actions tonight!!! :-(

Frank

[tmanboodi]

Well, just going to put down what I am feeling this morning. I tossed and turned all night. Part of me is lost as to what is happening....the other is afraid that I messed up...My problem is that no matter how involved I get in other thingsto take my mind off of my sitch, it keeps creeping up and engulfs my day.

I hate feeling helpless. I hate that she gets emotional, (never did before), and I don't know the reason....Is it guilt? Is it an illness she has or may have contracted something from the PA? Is afraid to tell me she cares because of what she has done and feels I won't accept her?

I know spinning my wheels and getting nowhere. I had been doing so well a month or so ago with GAL; but ever since that day that she and I talked at the parade and agreed to go for a drink, it has been hard. It's like she is right there; but afraid to come over the fence. Maybe I am wrong and he doesn't want anything as far as an us. All I know is that I still love her; but I want to share my life with her or someone. I do things to keep busy; but I enjoy sharing my life with someone and I miss that.

I am not old; but I am not young either. I feel like if I wait for her and nothing happens for us, that I will just fall apart. On the other hand, I feel like if I move on and she comes to me later on, that I will be lost. I hate that we are both at different phases of healing or being who we wnat to be. For me, I have worked through alot of the ways I don't want to be and feel I am a better person than I was the last few years and someone that she or anyone would love to be with; but for her I feel like her journey has just started...And when it ends, will she want an US??? I feel like I should wait for her and then I feel like I shouldn't because of the fear that she may not want to come back.

I guess it is her emotions that she never shows, now being shown that confuse me as to what she may want or feels.

Frank

[tmanboodi]

Well, weird thing happened lst night. I went to pick up the kids and I brought them all some free t-shirts I got from work, including one for her. Then out of the blue, she started bawling??? I quickly brought her into the other room closed the door and asked her what was the matter. She said when you drop the kids off tonight, do you have some time to talk. I asked her waht was wrong. I said are you sick and she said I don't know. I gave her a hug and told her to hug back as hard as she wanted and she did.

Later, I brought the kids home and it took forever for us to get them settled into bed so we could talk. Well, as we waited, I sat on the couch and I put my arms around her and she leaned back on me and we watched tv!!!

Once the kids were settled, she proceeded to spill so many things about what had happened to her over the past year and how did I know that this neighbor next door was a player, etc. She told me she got sucked in by him and had even seen him as recently as Jan. 1...Well, needless to say, the issue became a callback last week from her doctor, for an exam she had had. Obviously, that freaked her out and she had noone to talk to and she had talked to him and he, she felt was blaming her if there was anything wrong with her and basically cya'ing for himself. He told her he loved her and that he had betrayed her, etc. Well, I get to hear all this and to my surprise, as I had told her earlier when I gave her an immunity card I had made, that I would listen and not pass judgement...Wo, was that hard...I just listened and gave no advice...I wanted to; but I said I wouldn't. She told me how she had screwed up her life with this and knew that what she was doing was wrong; but that he was good at sucking her in and was afraid she might get sucked in again after this is over????

So, I told her I would go with her to the exam if she wanted me to. We agreed that she would pick me up at work this mornong so I could go with her. All I told her last night was that I was there for her and that we would work through this issue together regardless of whether it was good or bad news. Well, I got in the car and gave her a wquick peck on the cheek and we headed off to the doctors. Just idle chit chat about stuff and the kids...

We go to the doctors and I grabbed her hand and we walked in hand in hand. Got in there and they brought us to the exam room and she was asked to take off her jeans and underwear. I figured at this point she might ask me to leave for a sec; but she didn't and basically stripped down there in front of me. (Sorry, but for me that was the best I got from her in a 1-1/2yrs!!! ) Well, we waited there and I reiterated how I was there for her and we would work together to solve this. I looked outside and said it was a nice sunny day and you never know???? lol

Well, the doctor came in and asked "So, you called me? Is everything okay?" She said yes, your office called me...Well, in the end, it was all a mistake...But , I think she learned something form this and I believe that God had a part in this and this happened for a reason...Not sure why yet, but it will all eventually play out.

Well, she got dressed and we left the office. I said again, see it's a beautiful sunny day outside as we walked out holding hands. I told her lets grab lunch wherever you want, my treat. So, we went to lunch again I walked in holding her hand...(Yes, I initiated; but she never pulled it back) We ate lunch just chatted idlely about stuff her family, etc. Tells me how her parents will not watch the kids if they know she is going out somewhere other than to a friends house...I know they think she is messed up; but they are controlling her!!!. Anyway, towardsthe end of lunch, her cell phone rings and she knows it is this guy. She tells me I am just going to tell him now is not a good time and make him sweat a bit. He must ahve said something and she kept telling him now is not a good time and "You weren't there for me"...You can call later...She gets off the phone and tells me that he leaves work right about now and that she knows he won't be able to call till Monday unless he wants to get caught...I said I hope you know that today went well and I am glad; but it could have gone different. She tells me I know that and this is not done? I say huh? She says oh it's done for him and I (Well, that remains to be seen...he uses the I love you crap, so who knows how weak she is...For her sake hopefully not). I said, you should ahve just let me answer the phone. She said, "Oh, no I am saving that one"

Well, I pay the bill and we go to the car again at my initiative, holding hands. We gat in the car and she drives me back to work. Holding her hand on the drive back. We pull up to work and I said stop here,; because people that her sister and brother-in-law know that work with me are in the cafe. She does and I lean over give her a peck on the cheek and quick hug; but she is a little standoffish...I htink she was afraid that someone would see her. Well, I have the kids this weekend and I said I was thinking of taking the kids to see Hoodwinked, would you like to go with us? She said you go with them, I need some time by myself. I was disappointed; but I let it go. I said okay, maybe we can hook up again soon. She nods. She says thanks!!! I get out of the car and she drives off.

Man this is so hard to interpret what the hell is going on or is going to happen....I am so afraid to get hurt; but need to do this. Just a lot of obstacles in the way...Her feelings for the other guy, her parents, etc.

[Just_Me]

Tman,

That's good news. And I'm glad you could be there for her. You've got one difficulty though: She isn't quite done with OM. You have to be patient some more. She has to let him go without any help from you. She definitely needs time to herself and you need to back off and give it to her. From this point on she has to initiate everything. Believe me, she knows you care, you showed that, so if she decides to try again with you, she won't shy away from it. From where I'm sitting it seems as though you are afraid if you give her some space that she'll take the opportunity to run away. My opinion is that if she'll run away that easily that she's not ready for a real relationship anyway. She needs this time to be certain of you. If not, you'll always wonder when she's going to run away again or cheat on you.

PATIENCE Tman. You're going the right direction. Now don't act like you're just waiting on her call. Take the weekend to just not contact her. You need to consider things. Think about whether you are ready for a relationship with her.

[tmanboodi]

Just,

Thanks for the reply. I agree with you. There is still some emotional stuff to go through about OM; but for her sake she seems to be working through that. THe reason I say this is that she called me about 3:25pm yesterday to tell me tha my daughter was definitely staying over her friends after the birthday party and that I just need to pick her up at the dance studio for 12....There was no real need for the call; because that is standard procedure on hte weekends I have the kids. During that convo, she also told me how he had called her back while she was driving home from dropping me off. She basically told him he was a user, etc. and didn't need to share this with me. Doesn't mean there will ever be an us; but hopefully a good step for her.

Well, I asked to talk to my stepson and she had to call his Dad back. She was still talking to his dad when my stepson and I had finished talking. So, I told him to have a good weekend and tell mom to have a good night for me.

Well, I was driving home and decided to drive down the old neighborhood street, since I pass it on my way home and it was a nice day. I drove down the end of the cul-de-sac to see if a friend of mine was home. He wasn't and so I started to drive back out. Then I saw a neighbor of mine who we are both friendly with. I stopped she gave me a big hug and we talked. She asked me how things were going, etc. The neigbor's daughter across the street was there too and she said that my stepson was staying over their house tonight. I said he is??? He has to go to his dads??? She then felt like she told me something I shouldn't know. She said that his dad had to wrok tonight so my stepson was able to stay over. Anyway, I told the girl that that was probably why his dad had called my X.

We were all talking and my X pulled up with the kids. So, I went over and jokingly said hey long time no see!!! She laughed and then we all talked a bit about stuff. My X tells the neighbor to watch out for that family she was involved with (good for her). Well, we all then head to the other neighbors house to see the finished addition they have.

On the way over the neighbor says "You guys should take the kids to dinner." I'm kind of apprehensive to do so; but I said "Hey, do you want to take the kids to dinner?" She says ok. SO we hang out a bit more and then I call ahead for a table. (While we were there, she also pulled aside the other neighbors who are very religious to talk to them. She tells me later that she wanted to let them know that she would love to havethem over to her house if they would come; but that they should not bring the couple that she was involved with OM. ANother positive for her.)

Well, we take our cars and the kids over to the restaurant and get seated. She jokingly tells me she needs a drink...So, both order one and then have dinner...They have tv's in each booth, so the kids are occupied and we just enjoy some adult conversation. (BTW, she didn't originally tell me; but this is a place that I frequent and know alot of the workers...so at first she was a little uncomfortable going there). It went well...we were there for about 2 hrs. Then we piggy backed the kids out to her car and buckled them in. I gave them a kiss and then said by to her, giving her a peck on the cheek and she said thanks and drove home.

Well, like you said I didn't initiate and I am sure that she is still going through alot of confusion; but hey it was an opportunity to be with the kids andto be around her to show her who I am.

BTW, I also had talked to her about my stepson and his workouts at the Y. Ended up that he would like a workout partner and she can't. So, I said what if I joined and did it with him. She was open to that.

Well, maybe I will get crushed, as she is not indicating one way or another; but the fact hat she went and had a good time was a plus.

Frank

[tmanboodi]

Well, rollercoaster ride Saturday night???

My own insecurities creeping in. I dropped the kids off and I had said that I would help get the 2 boys read for bed so that my daughter and X could watch a Disney movie together. Well, my X and I joked for a bit and she and I had 2 wine coolers, by her offering. Things were good and I gave the boys showers and played with them before putting them to bed.

While I was there tough, she sat on the other side of the room from where I was sitting...Kind of felt like she was keeping our distance. My mind says what doe that mean? Does it mean she is pushing me away because she doesn't care or because she is afraid, confusion???? Who knows???

Why am I still allowed over there...Wasn't it enough that I stood by her...You see, my problem is that I never wanted the divorce. And now I am left wondering why she doesn't come around. But then I realize that my concept of a good period of time is different than someone elses. For the confused person, am I to assume it doesn't all of a sudden happen overnight?
I am trying not to come across as pushy; but I feel like I have to keep a secret, that I promised her. Does the friendliness, then the ambivalence mean anything??? I guess i am lost as to interptet...Should i read disinterest based upon the above???

Just lost as to how when it works out or not you know??? How long does take???