Actually, I have spent the past year working on me and taking care of myself. I see some progress in her and I love her alot. I have for many years. I just think she is stuck in a "noone, especially you will ever want to deal with me because of what I have done" mode. Maybe I am wrong; but I would hateto walk away from her and regret it. I just am not sure how to deal with letting her work things out without her thinking I have given up on her.
I have the apartment and it's ok; but I have been looking up where she and the kids are living. I feel like regradless of her and I that I need to be closer to where the kids are; but I am afraid. I never was good at changes like that. You see, I grew up all my life in the area that I currently am living. I want to be nearer the kids; but I feel like I am unsure as to how I will adjust to that. Especially if she and I go seperate ways. It's just that I feel that my kids should have me closer to them, so that I can know their friends, theor friends parents etc. IT's more about them than me. They deserve that; but as I said I am scared.
I talked to my friend yesterday nad he agreed that maybe I was better off nearer them. However, I am so anxious about her and I. It's like I want to have her have that breakthrough with me that seems to jsut be held back by her guilt. Maybe I am wrong; but that is how I feel about it. But I also know that I can't sit there and wait either.
Don't get me wrong, I keep moving forward; but I can't help but want to see us start to talk more. We ahve been and that is good; but for me, I have been working on me and improving myself for the past year, so I am ready to talk to her about things. For her, I don't think she is there just yet. You see, she has only recently started to deal with her faults and guilt. Will she come out the other side wanting and US? I don't know; but it's hard to wait and see and it is just as hardto let go and move on. Especially, when tehre isn't anything to move onto.
I am tryingto take each day one at a time; but I am a thinker and that is what makes me feel crappy. I think of how I messed up on my side and I think of how she tells me of her guilt and that I wouldn't want to be with her if I knew what she had done. IT's hard. What she doesn't know is that I would forgive her and have told her that a long time before. My friend suggested that I tell her that she gets "immunity" from anything she may have done, if we go out and she jsut wants to talk. I am okay with that. Just not sure if that is what she wants right now.
