Wllow,

I have been going through alot of weird things this past week. I am having trouble moving into the apartment I rented and unpacking. I am not happy with it; but it is a start. I want to buy something; but have been struggling with staying where I am used to or moving nearer to work and where the kids moved. I am not good with change.

In addtions, I keep hitting those peaks and valley's with the X. More peaks lately; but..

Well, last night, I went by to see my Stepson and see how his day yesterday went at the baseball writers dinner. Sure, I also had alterior motives to be around her.

Well, the night before, I picked up the kids and my 8yr old was acting up. My ex went to reprimand him and as she leaned into the car to him, her tatto showed. When she came back, I told her it showed and was it still an issue, with her parents and everyone. She said yes, it still was. (She doesn't want them to know about it. As I said 40yrs old and still afraid???) When I came back, she was watching figure skating. So, I told her to keep watching it and I would get the kids ready for bed, which I did. Stayed for a little bit and watched with her...Didn't seem to be a problem with her. While I was there, one of her friends called to talk to her. While she was talking to her I heard her tell her that "The two of them act like high school students. I can't deal with this anymore." (She was talking about old next door neighbor and his wife. Seems she is getting more and more aggravated with that, which is good. ) Then when she hung up, she got another text message...looked down and said Ugh!!! I said we all know who it is, why don't you just answer it? She said I don't have time for this stuff.

Well, as I said, I went by last night and hung with my stepson for a bit. A bit later, I was upstairs and she started talking to me about her day and how she didn't get everything done that she wanted. I asked her, what do you need to do? She said, that one of the things was to get her cell phone number changed to a private number. I said why? She said so that the old neighbor couldn't contact her anymore. (YES!!!!!! lol) I said go ahead and get it changed. She said she would; but that her parents will kill her if they come in and she is gone and I am there!!! She lives next door to them. I think she told them some bent truths; because I said that I had no problem talking to her dad and she just looked and said "No, not a good idea!!" Well, she went and came back. Number was changed and she gave it to me. We each had a drink and as she was making them, she said that she would be finally going out the next 2 Fridays...One is over to this couple that has their daughter in dance with my daughter...Then other is a friend of hers. She also is having a hard time finding a part time job and is getting discouraged. I kept telling her that things will fall into place for that and that I would help her with the kids if she needed. Also, duringthis time, I said we should go out for drinks again and that I has a good time last time...She said "Oh, yeah, real fun...I spilled stuff that I shouldn't have to you and cried." (She has problems showing emotion. First time she has brought it up since we went out over amonth ago???) Then she said oh sure, I will go again and then you will hear everything else that I have done. (I am sensing alot of guilt IF she only knew that I surmised the worst, and that I would work with her if she could get to a comfortable place to be able to talk.)

Oh, yeah, when she was goingto get the phone number changed, she also said how she would have to give her parents the new number and they would probably ask why. She stated that she is afraid to have to tell them the real reason. See guilt!!! It is sad; because here I am helpless to help her. I forgave her a long time ago...she needs to forgive herself.

Well, I know this is long winded and sort of all over the place; but I just have to get it all out. I stayed for about another hour and we had a nice cordial conversation about different stuff while we watched a tv show. At 9pm, I took my daughters friends home and went to meet my freind for a drink. WHen I left, I gave her a hug and it was accepted; but...a little awkward for her. I know bad DBing. WHen I left, she said thanks for taking the girls home.

Well, I am not sure what is going to happen here...I keep moving along and doing stuff; but I really wish we will get a chance; but for me each day is an eternity....For her, she is working out things in her head and I don't know where she stands if anywhere in regards to us??? I guess I look and see minor progress...IF she didn't want me in her life, she would find a way to say so...she has never been shy. Maybe she is just being nice because she needs support from someone; but I think it is a little more than that. The problem is until she can open up and get rid of her guilt, she will not be able to move on...

I am sort of religious and I pray everyday for her and then for the kids and the 2 of us. BTW, she showed me something in the drawer, where the porn video was and that video is no longer there!!!

Well, be easy on me; but if you have insight as to what you think, please let me know. I do know that I am not ready to give up; but I am having a hard time taking it slow and giving her space to figure things out.

Frank