Quote: It was only after I quit chasing, quit wishing, quit even wanting a life with her that she's for the first time saying.."I want to try again"... I think you should become happy with just you and your child and let her know through your behavior that you can and will carry on without her.
Wow. Listen to Just Me. He really knows what he's talking about here, Frank.
I've tried to say similar but not nearly so eloquently nor succinct.
Now then, as I've asked you before, What are you doing to get a life? I WANT a list!
Quote: ------------------- It might help to consider that if she suddenly came to you today and said..."I want to come back" whether you think that it would suddenly cure things. Could you honestly hit the ground running with her after all this pain and turmoil and her presence would just be a cure? Think how much of your feelings are wanting someone and how much are wanting her. -------------------
Actually, that is the part I am good on. If she ever did come back, I would have to have her agree to go wit hme to counselling or it would be no deal. There is no way, that we could ever make it without addressing what got us to the divorce. Yes, you could not go and luck out; but if I ever have a chance at fixing this, then that would be a requirement!!!.
I read your thread for the first time tonight, and I can really relate to where you are. I was with my XH for 10 years, married for 7, and I have been divorced for 3 years, and was separated for a year before that. During our separation, I went between badgering my XH to come back, and trying to entice him to come back. After our D, I was really saddened at the reality of my situation, and thought that I would never be whole again. But guess what? Life has a way of moving on. I began to focus on myself, and what I did to contribute negatively to the marriage. I hold him ultimately responsible for the D, because he cheated and gave up on us, but I knew that I had many things to work on. Instead of trying to change HIM, I decided to change ME. I realized that I had not grown during my marriage, and frankly neither had he. We have both grown considerably in the last 4 years, and we are both better people and parents because of it. A year ago he married the OW. Today he is miserable in his marriage, and realizes many of the things that he did wrong in our marriage. My Dad passed away after suffering from Alzheimer's for 8 years (he was only 55 when diagnosed), and my XH took his death very hard. He came and sat with us during the final few days, and was very involved in the funeral preparations and the service itself. He was totally there for us during this time, and in fact was the first person I called after my Dad passed away. He has continued to try to be a friend to me, has been in counseling for 7 months (with our old marrige counselor no less!), and is spending a lot more time wth our daughter. We occasionally do things together, but I try to say no as many times as I say yes. This year he came over with his parents, sister(my best friend-a wonderful bi-product of my marriage), and her boyfriend, and we all had a wonderful time! I have moved on and dated several people, but have found no one that I want to be with long term. I approached my XH recently about us applying for an Annulment now that he has remarried, and he broke down in tears and begged me not to. He told me that the D was painful enough, and that he did not want to be D in the eyes of the Church. This from the man who walked away and never looked back! Anyway, we are friends now, and are able to talk freely to each other. He has told me that he wishes that we would have made these changes while we were still married. I told him that I agreed, but also said that I'm not sure it would have been possible. We are so different from that married couple, and we are both much BETTER people. I have left the door open a teensy bit for reconciliation, but have made a life for myself and my daughter that I really like. I agree with you...I loved being married and would love to have a family again. The point is, I'm living my life now for my daughter and me, and its a good life. If he truly wants to try again (AFTER getting D of course), I will be open to counseling with him and see where it leads. I am also open and ready for a relationship with another man if and when I meet the right one. My advice to you is the same as the others have given to you: create a life that is filled with things that you enjoy, and happiness wil eventually follow. Spend time with your kids, do things without them that you like, and try new things that you thought you would NEVER do! You just might find that your life is different, but no less wonderful! Then, your XW just may see you in a new light, and want to create a new life with the new you! Good luck:)
I have been going through alot of weird things this past week. I am having trouble moving into the apartment I rented and unpacking. I am not happy with it; but it is a start. I want to buy something; but have been struggling with staying where I am used to or moving nearer to work and where the kids moved. I am not good with change.
In addtions, I keep hitting those peaks and valley's with the X. More peaks lately; but..
Well, last night, I went by to see my Stepson and see how his day yesterday went at the baseball writers dinner. Sure, I also had alterior motives to be around her.
Well, the night before, I picked up the kids and my 8yr old was acting up. My ex went to reprimand him and as she leaned into the car to him, her tatto showed. When she came back, I told her it showed and was it still an issue, with her parents and everyone. She said yes, it still was. (She doesn't want them to know about it. As I said 40yrs old and still afraid???) When I came back, she was watching figure skating. So, I told her to keep watching it and I would get the kids ready for bed, which I did. Stayed for a little bit and watched with her...Didn't seem to be a problem with her. While I was there, one of her friends called to talk to her. While she was talking to her I heard her tell her that "The two of them act like high school students. I can't deal with this anymore." (She was talking about old next door neighbor and his wife. Seems she is getting more and more aggravated with that, which is good. ) Then when she hung up, she got another text message...looked down and said Ugh!!! I said we all know who it is, why don't you just answer it? She said I don't have time for this stuff.
Well, as I said, I went by last night and hung with my stepson for a bit. A bit later, I was upstairs and she started talking to me about her day and how she didn't get everything done that she wanted. I asked her, what do you need to do? She said, that one of the things was to get her cell phone number changed to a private number. I said why? She said so that the old neighbor couldn't contact her anymore. (YES!!!!!! lol) I said go ahead and get it changed. She said she would; but that her parents will kill her if they come in and she is gone and I am there!!! She lives next door to them. I think she told them some bent truths; because I said that I had no problem talking to her dad and she just looked and said "No, not a good idea!!" Well, she went and came back. Number was changed and she gave it to me. We each had a drink and as she was making them, she said that she would be finally going out the next 2 Fridays...One is over to this couple that has their daughter in dance with my daughter...Then other is a friend of hers. She also is having a hard time finding a part time job and is getting discouraged. I kept telling her that things will fall into place for that and that I would help her with the kids if she needed. Also, duringthis time, I said we should go out for drinks again and that I has a good time last time...She said "Oh, yeah, real fun...I spilled stuff that I shouldn't have to you and cried." (She has problems showing emotion. First time she has brought it up since we went out over amonth ago???) Then she said oh sure, I will go again and then you will hear everything else that I have done. (I am sensing alot of guilt IF she only knew that I surmised the worst, and that I would work with her if she could get to a comfortable place to be able to talk.)
Oh, yeah, when she was goingto get the phone number changed, she also said how she would have to give her parents the new number and they would probably ask why. She stated that she is afraid to have to tell them the real reason. See guilt!!! It is sad; because here I am helpless to help her. I forgave her a long time ago...she needs to forgive herself.
Well, I know this is long winded and sort of all over the place; but I just have to get it all out. I stayed for about another hour and we had a nice cordial conversation about different stuff while we watched a tv show. At 9pm, I took my daughters friends home and went to meet my freind for a drink. WHen I left, I gave her a hug and it was accepted; but...a little awkward for her. I know bad DBing. WHen I left, she said thanks for taking the girls home.
Well, I am not sure what is going to happen here...I keep moving along and doing stuff; but I really wish we will get a chance; but for me each day is an eternity....For her, she is working out things in her head and I don't know where she stands if anywhere in regards to us??? I guess I look and see minor progress...IF she didn't want me in her life, she would find a way to say so...she has never been shy. Maybe she is just being nice because she needs support from someone; but I think it is a little more than that. The problem is until she can open up and get rid of her guilt, she will not be able to move on...
I am sort of religious and I pray everyday for her and then for the kids and the 2 of us. BTW, she showed me something in the drawer, where the porn video was and that video is no longer there!!!
Well, be easy on me; but if you have insight as to what you think, please let me know. I do know that I am not ready to give up; but I am having a hard time taking it slow and giving her space to figure things out.
Well, yesterday I was going up towards where my kids and X live to look at property and guess what??? I ended up driving behind her the whole way there. She had just come from dropping my stepsons friend off who lived in the area we used to live and where I still am.
Anyway, not sure if she knew it was me. Guess I was disappointed that she didn't see me or called; but I guess I shouldn't expect that right now. Guess I got to take what is given right now. See, I have been working on me for hte past year and I guess I have to realize that she is just starting to work on herself. Just hard to want to talk to her about things and know that I have to approach stuff differently and let her be her and hope she comes around. I guess the fact that I have been at her house more and she has dumped the guy is at least a step towards the possiblity of maybe someday getting towards talking about us.
Just hard to want that; but not be sure what will happen...
Actually, I have spent the past year working on me and taking care of myself. I see some progress in her and I love her alot. I have for many years. I just think she is stuck in a "noone, especially you will ever want to deal with me because of what I have done" mode. Maybe I am wrong; but I would hateto walk away from her and regret it. I just am not sure how to deal with letting her work things out without her thinking I have given up on her.
I have the apartment and it's ok; but I have been looking up where she and the kids are living. I feel like regradless of her and I that I need to be closer to where the kids are; but I am afraid. I never was good at changes like that. You see, I grew up all my life in the area that I currently am living. I want to be nearer the kids; but I feel like I am unsure as to how I will adjust to that. Especially if she and I go seperate ways. It's just that I feel that my kids should have me closer to them, so that I can know their friends, theor friends parents etc. IT's more about them than me. They deserve that; but as I said I am scared.
I talked to my friend yesterday nad he agreed that maybe I was better off nearer them. However, I am so anxious about her and I. It's like I want to have her have that breakthrough with me that seems to jsut be held back by her guilt. Maybe I am wrong; but that is how I feel about it. But I also know that I can't sit there and wait either.
Don't get me wrong, I keep moving forward; but I can't help but want to see us start to talk more. We ahve been and that is good; but for me, I have been working on me and improving myself for the past year, so I am ready to talk to her about things. For her, I don't think she is there just yet. You see, she has only recently started to deal with her faults and guilt. Will she come out the other side wanting and US? I don't know; but it's hard to wait and see and it is just as hardto let go and move on. Especially, when tehre isn't anything to move onto.
I am tryingto take each day one at a time; but I am a thinker and that is what makes me feel crappy. I think of how I messed up on my side and I think of how she tells me of her guilt and that I wouldn't want to be with her if I knew what she had done. IT's hard. What she doesn't know is that I would forgive her and have told her that a long time before. My friend suggested that I tell her that she gets "immunity" from anything she may have done, if we go out and she jsut wants to talk. I am okay with that. Just not sure if that is what she wants right now.
I guess I know that every sitch is different; but I get inspired by what I see Just going through.
Also, I always question in my head why my X would let me hang at her house? Is it comfort of someone she knows or is it her wanting to talk; but not being able to yet? Who knows.
I do know this. She is afraid for her parents, who live next door to know that I am there; but she still alows it??? Also, she doesn't say no to going out to do something...she just fears spilling more of what she has done in the past year to me. So, I would ask everyone, if that is someone defintely knows that she doesn't want anything more with me or someone who is just having a difficult time working through how to get past all that has happened and be able to talk?
I replied to this pretty much on my thread so see that for details. I do believe that you have the foundation being built and for one reason or another she is afraid of trying with you. I offered suggestions on my thread.
My opinion of moving is that if you can do so without giving up a good job for a bad one or otherwise going backwards career wise, that you should do it for the kids sake if you feel it will enhance your relationship. I also think you do need to explore your fear of taking chances, maybe even seeking a professional opinion. I think part of this whole process is trying to master your fears of some things. Does your fear of moving and change also extend to fear of moving on and starting over? Do you fear your life is incomplete without your XW? Are you afraid that you'll be alone? I feel a healthy part of the process is whether you can grow accustomed to and eventually enjoy your time being single and accept that the time with your XW might be over. I personally feel that fear of change is an impediment to starting over with your XW and anyone else. It puts you in the precarious spot of "needing" the relationship with your XW again in order to feel safe and whole. Perhaps you should take more of a break from her and work through these things. You need to be in the position to not have to worry about how you'll fare if your XW says, let's try and then reneges on that or worse yet, tries to use you like a doormat.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
) Then when she hung up, she got another text message...looked down and said Ugh!!! I said we all know who it is, why don't you just answer it? She said I don't have time for this stuff.