Well, was a good day today. Took the kids bowling and X came!!! We all seemed to have a good time. My X had to take my daughter to drop her off at a sleepover later and I spent a few more hours with the kids. We hooked up later for dinner and that seemed to go well too. I paid the billand she said you know I zoned and I could give you some money for dinner. I said no, I asked you to go with us. We left it at that and she went home.
One other thing as that my daughter hs to be picked up tomorrow around 10:30am...I live over where she is and the drive is a half hour from her house. I work near her house, so I told her I could pick my daughter up and bring her to her on my way to work. She said if you can that would be great.
Well, just trying to not push and take it slow and keep living; but man is it hard. But at least things are better than before. However, I do still wonder if, for her, if she is "just getting along" and has no intentions of thinking of it another way??? Guess I won't know for a bit; but it sounds like if I back off a bit for the next few days, that next week I can bring up the Billy Joel Concert that I have tickets for.
Thoughts? ;-)
P.S. Just got a call from X asking me if I left a sweater in a bag that had some of the kids stuff. Told her yes it was mine. We cahtted a bit more and I told her it was fun to get together with the kids and go bowling and dinner. SHe agreed. I told her she didn't do bad at bowling...She said "Yeah, not bad for and old lady!!!" So, told her have a good night and she said you too. Hey may never work out; but I guess psoitive progress is better than none!!!
Quote: So, told her have a good night and she said you too. Hey may never work out; but I guess psoitive progress is better than none!!!
Tman, I think you probably won't like my take on this, but I'm just going to tell you my personal experience first as a lead in to my advice.
When I was first separated and even through the divorce and after we hung out together quite a bit, doing things like you described. We'd have a good time together. There early on was even quite a bit of hugging and she even listened to talk about us. But mostly it was episodes like you described, going out as a "family" and seeming to have a good time. In retrospect I feel like it was simply a crutch for her, nothing more. It was a chance for her to go out, have a good time, and maybe assuage guilt some. That stuff went on for months. It's only over the last 2-3 months that we've stopped doing those things and largely because she started saying no and I stopped asking. And over the last couple months she's gotten more satisfied with being apart...actually quite pleased that I'm out of the picture.
So my take, from a biased standpoint, is that despite the interactions you have had, that it does not necessarily indicate progress. Learning from my mistakes I think what would have been most beneficial is to first and foremost avoid moving too fast. Keep your space, don't have any R talks, don't try anything more, and don't invite very often. Space out the interactions and when you do have them make them as friendly and low pressure as possible. The other thing is that you are very focused on her. I think you do need to continue with GAL activities that don't include her. Do more of the fun activities with just the kids.
The concert is tricky. It's a real date. It isn't the safe family outing. My suggestion is to tell her that you scored two tickets, ask if she wants to go, and be prepared to ask someone else in her stead should she refuse. Make sure you are prepared for "NO" and take it as well as you can. I've been where you are TMAN and I pushed too hard.
The reason that I quoted the above is because I'm not sure it was a good thing for me that there was "positive progress". It dragged things out, but led to the same end only with me having more opportunity to get hurt. Take this very very slow and take the majority of your time doing things for yourself. I just don't want you to find that you were a stopgap until a better opportunity came along. It's a juggling act.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I do agree wit hwhat you say and I do try and get a life...I put myself out there, etc.
On the other part, for the past year I have been doing things with just my kids. Initially, I attempted to include her by asking her to go and she would always refuse. Recently, this was the first time I have asked in a long time and she decided to take me up on the offer, so that was nice. Don't know why she went; but at least I was able to be who I wanted to be and if she wants that great. If not, then her loss. I know I am a good person...just trying to figure out what direction is right and not to close any doors too prematurely.
You may be right that this will lead nowhere; but it is the first positive progress in over a year. I would regret it if I didn't at least give that a chance as well as going on doing other things.
As far as the concert tickets, I know she would like to see him; but if she says no, of course I will be a little bit disappointed; but I have already mentioned it to a few people who might be willing to go if she doesn't. Of course , I would rather go with her; but as long as I can go with someone and enjoy it, that is what matters in the end. I haven't been able to do things like this in awhile, since alot of my friends don't go to things like concerts. I miss that.
Well, jus so you know, I also haven't stopped pursuing this woman that is in contact wit hme from online. That is slow going, as she is in the process of moving and hasn't had alot of time lately. So, yes, I am hoping with X; but still trying to move forward as best I can, if it means without her. Just a tough time.
Happy New Year to you and I hope the next year is better for all of us.
Well, last 2 days have been kind of a bummer. I keep driving to work and thinking that I should just move this way, so that I am closer to my kids. (BTW, she moved I didn't) She also seems to be going back to being standoffish and that kind of sucks. Part of me just wants to tell her off for what I am going through and the other just keeps it bottled up inside, as what purpose will it serve to do so???
Hey, I don't know what is up with her. Last week she goes with us. This week we have a doctors appointment for our son who is having problems. Ask her if she wants to go to lunch with son. Get a no
As far as concert, pretty much got a no..."I can't go, it's a school night...You know why I shouldn't go" Actually, no I don't!!! Is it because she never cared for me, doesn't care for me, is confused or is guilty about what she has done since we have been apart or even before??? All I was looking for was someone to go to this concert who would enjoy it as much as I would. Don't want to go alone. I honestly asked her because noone else I know, hang with enjoys Billy Joel...My friends are all into country.
Just wish I knew what is going on with her. I know there would be ups and downs; but not sure what all this means
I know, I try and concentrate on me and I still keep improving...just waiting for some sort of break here...Not so much with her...just with anything. I mean I miss my kids and interacting with them. Last week was nice to be able to be with them; but I see that as short term
It's just hard; because I had been married for 11 yrs and now I am single and out there by myself, not knowing where things are going for me. I just want to enjoy life with someone again. Plus, my laptop drive died and it's going to cost me $300 (It's my other lifeline to the world!!! lol)
I know from talking to my X that it is not totally true; but I feel like everything keeps falling her way. I mean, I am not an unfit father and I feel like I have to choose between having a life and being there for my kids. She gets to do both, as she has them daily. I get to be the babysitter for her. I would glady give up my life to have them there daily...always would have.
So, problem for the day. Still after a year, struggling with whether to stay in the area where we used to live and I grew up or to go to where I work and the kids now live??? Hard; because there is a certain comfort zone in the area I am now; but I feel like I should be nearer my the kids...(about 1/2hr drive right now) because whenever they want to be with friends, etc. I would have to say no or not see them when they are with me.
My biggest fears are that I will be lonely not being in an area where I know alot of people. Second, that if nothing ever works between my X and I, and I have not moved on with someone else and she has, that I will have to see that more often!!! :-( Thirdly, I start to wonder if a part of wanting to be here revolves around hopes with her and that is not a good reason to come this way.
Real confusing and emotionally draining...wish I knew what was right for everyone involved
So, problem for the day. Still after a year, struggling with whether to stay in the area where we used to live and I grew up or to go to where I work and the kids now live??? Hard; because there is a certain comfort zone in the area I am now; but I feel like I should be nearer my the kids...(about 1/2hr drive right now) because whenever they want to be with friends, etc. I would have to say no or not see them when they are with me.
My biggest fears are that I will be lonely not being in an area where I know alot of people. Second, that if nothing ever works between my X and I, and I have not moved on with someone else and she has, that I will have to see that more often!!! :-( Thirdly, I start to wonder if a part of wanting to be here revolves around hopes with her and that is not a good reason to come this way.
Real confusing and emotionally draining...wish I knew what was right for everyone involved
You are in a bad place right now. Don't worry though, it's part of the process. You really can't rush it...you just have to go through the pain and weather it.
Quote: ..."I can't go, it's a school night...You know why I shouldn't go" Actually, no I don't!!!
You know why. You aren't married. You aren't dating. And if she accepts she is leading you on. Asking her to go to the concert didn't fly. Quit with the pursuing. Believe it or not, she knows you are holding out hope. She knows you are pining away and it does make her feel guilty because she doesn't want a marriage to you. I've read things and heard things from divorced women how it drives them nuts that their ex won't just give up the ghost. If she's going to have a relationship with you again, she'll have to make those steps towards you herself.
Quote: She also seems to be going back to being standoffish and that kind of sucks. Part of me just wants to tell her off for what I am going through
As you said, what purpose would it serve. She isn't making you go through this. You are making you go through this. I'm sure in her eyes you could choose to get a life.
Quote: It's just hard; because I had been married for 11 yrs and now I am single and out there by myself, not knowing where things are going for me. I just want to enjoy life with someone again.
I know it's hard. And I know when alone it's easy to think about more enjoyable times you had when you were married. I know the above sounded harsh, but in my opinion and what I've seen written and heard said from ex-wives, the pursuit is a real turn-off and they don't think favorably of their time with you, especially not when you push things. It might help to consider that if she suddenly came to you today and said..."I want to come back" whether you think that it would suddenly cure things. Could you honestly hit the ground running with her after all this pain and turmoil and her presence would just be a cure? Think how much of your feelings are wanting someone and how much are wanting her.
I really can understand very well what you are going through. I felt just like this for months, like I was a step or two away from her saying..."this is really nice with you. I'd like to try again", or feeling that an especially enjoyable evening with her would suddenly change her feelings. It took months of this rejection to break me of these fantasies. It was only after I quit chasing, quit wishing, quit even wanting a life with her that she's for the first time saying.."I want to try again". Unfortunately for me, maybe it's a little too late. Everyone that isn't on this area of the board tells me that it is or should be. I do know that it was silly of me 3-4 months ago to wish for her to suddenly "snap out of it" and want a relationship again. I wasn't ready. I wasn't on my own two feet. To have her back at this moment would leave you entirely attending to her needs and disregarding your own. I think you should become happy with just you and your child and let her know through your behavior that you can and will carry on without her.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
