This will be a long post as I am journaling/venting and looking for input!!!

Well, was a weird day yesterday and having a tough morning to day

Got another call yesterday from my X around 1:00pm when I was on my way to get the kids. She asked me where I was...I said why??? She asked me if I minded getting the kids at her mom's (she currently lives next door to her). She then told me that she was not there, she was at home and was not going back over there. I said why? She said she had a big blow with 2 of her sisters and a few words with her mom.

I guess her sister who I am godfather to her daughter, asked what she did for me from the kids for Christmas and she said nothing. I guesss her sister blasted her and told her she was selfish because I had brought gifts the other day to their kids and sent cards to her family members. I guess alot of them called herand asked what do we do...Do we send cards back??? She and I agree that it is up to them to do what they want in regards to that. Well, I guess her sister came to her house and started on her again and that is when my X and stepson left her house and went to the movies. At least this time it wasn't anything I had a direct hand in!!!

Well I got a call a little time after I had gotten the kids to my parents house...She told me they would be at the movies for a couple of hours. I was going to hang with her nad the kids later and have some wine with her. My kids got their gifts and played for a bit. My parents left to go to my aunts house at 3:30pm...They are another issue...They decided this year that they weren't doing anything for me or my brother as far as gifts...They make Christmas suck...I am all alone and being divorced makes it hurt more...I feel like I will never feel good again. I know that is probably not true; but I hate this feeling About 5pm, we headed to her house.

When I got there I unloaded the gifts and then gave my stepson his gifts. The kids went off to play and she and I sat on the couch and drank some wine and ate some snacks.
In general, we had a good time; but I guess she has some family members telling her it is okay for her to have me in her house and others to not do that (mom and dad respectively). Anyway, she starts talking to me and says jokingly that this is all my fault. If I hadn't done these cards and gifts, that this wouldn't have happened. I was good, I just let her talk; but inside I wanted to tell her how she has screwed up all our lives.

Well, we clinked our glasses and I wished her Merry Christmas and gave her a quick kiss, lip to lip; but nothing passionate...just a peck. She continued on with telling me how she because of the 3 kids, then corrected with the 4 kids, my stepson, that she was trying to create a way for us to get along becasue of them. I heard her. I just wonder whether she will ever come around. I say this because we talked for an hour after that about different things and old neighbors, etc. She got a text message earlier from someone and told me the person was having a bad day (I believe the old neighbor she had an affair with after we split); but that she rarley does that anymore and then said she doesn't really deal with his wife or him anymore. I told her that I was messing around one day had looked up myself and her (X) on the internet and that I ame up with all the addresses we lived at. Then I told her that I had looked up the old neighbors and she said she had been too and asked what I found...I BS'd her and said I had some stuff. She pushed for me to tell her what and I told her I'd rather not say and that it cost money, so I never went further. So, at least it seems she has started to fix that part of her life. (I don't want that affair out ther; butif her dad knew it wasn't me being a jerk that ruined our marriage, it might feel better. I hate having that secret and having someone think I am the problem. ) Seems also that X is looking for dirt on the wife and her ex-affair...not sure why?

Like I said, in general, I did okay; but had a few moments where I messed up; but she never told me stop. We had both gotten up to get some pastries and I came up behind her and put my arms around her waist and hugged her just under and yes I will say it breasts. I wanted to touch her; but knew it was not a good thing to do.

Later we sat and finished more wine...Then I went to help the kids with something and saw my 8yr old who had been sick, sleeping downstairs...I told her and said I could carry him up to bed...She said the bed needed to be made first...So, we helped each other make the bed and then she said go bring him up. I did and we each gave him a kiss goodnight. Then we cleaned up ai got ready to go and went downstairs to say bye to the kids. Then I asked her about coming tomorrow to setup the wireless network for my other son and she said they should be there. Then I got my stuff, leaned towards her and we gave each other a big hug and I kissed her on the cheek, where she had turned her head. And yes, bad Dbing; but I squeezed her ass and she never flinched??? That was okay...didn't expect more than that. I left and went to friends house.

Iam just having a tough day today...I have it off, she has the kids and I just feel like she took that part of my life...she says she is trying to get along; but I guess I would never have let alot of what happened last night happen if I didn't still care...I guess I would have been like don't, etc.

I know that in her head she is saying this is what it is; but I would like Wllowwlk or anyone else in this sitch to tell me if this is how their sitch started off before it took turns for the better. Not holding tons of hope and I will still date, etc; but I guess I still hold hope...

It's compounded by the holidays; but I feel all alone and I am angry that she just gets to have the kids and then do the things she did; but I keep my mouth shut; because if there is any hope, it does no good to get angry temporarily if it might have a chance...I may be being foolish; but I am trying to suck it up for the possibility...even though it may never happen.

She is having tough time financially, wants to work and is discouraged...saying that noonewants to hire a 40yr old who has stayed at home with her kids the past 8yrs. I feel like she is still searching for her independence from someone supporting her and find her self worth...That she cannot be in a relationship till she feels that she is self sustaining...Question is, when that happens, will she come around??? WHo knows...Going over there towards noon to setup network...Thank God my friend invited me over tonight to watch football with him...I am so scared to be alone and I hate the new apartment I am moving to...Almost as much as living at my parents house...I will post more about my moving dilemma in another post...Guess that's all for now!!!