Quote: I have tried to improve myself by seeing the things that I was doing that were making me the person I didn't want to be. I have been working hard to get back to the person I used to be many years ago. The one who didn't let the little things bother him. I got to a point where I started disliking everything around me and nothing ever seemed good. Some of that was a result of her not supporting me sometimes; but I let life get to me and now I try and let stuff slide. I kind of ignore the stupid things I used to let get me angry.
I'd like to see you flesh this out and be more specific. Can you make a list?
I agree with Willow. More specific wording for each piece. Then in a separate section, specific achievable steps you can take toward each goal (think over the next 2-3 weeks). Think clarity, achievable, and accountability (being able to hold yourself to task when you review your progress every several days).
Merry Christmas to you and yours! I hope this new year brings you both peace and happiness.
Wllowwlk and Gabriel...Thanks so much for your input and support. I have been having a hard day today, as I saw my X and also went to her 2 sisters houses to bring gifts to my neices and nephews...
My X told the sister that is closest to her that we went out for drinks a few weeks ago and I couldn't read whether her sister has any indications on what she thinks...So, as I always do, I think the worst.
Anyway, I will make the list you talked of. Also, I will have questions on how to determine whether to keep hoping it turns or to give up??? I'm sorry, I know I am backsliding; but it's hard.
On a positive note, I approached a woman yesterday coming out of a place she and I were in...Not something I normally do; but hey I did it!!! Unfortunately, she was married and just not wearing her rings :-( Told me I made her day and I told her that her =husband was lucky to have such an attractive wife!!!
Well, Merry Christmas and Happy New year to you as well. I am sure I will need some support and input from each of you in the coming year if you can give it!!!
Well, it's Christmas and I am waiting to get my kids at 1pm...Man that is hard to wait till then.
Kind of weird...X saved us seats at mass...She was listeningto the Christmas concert; but she had to leave before mass to get some stuff ready. When I dropped the kids off she asked me if I was coming to get them or if she had to drop them off. I told her...in a joking way, "I guess I can come and get them...That is if I can have one of those glasses of wine you're having"...So, she poured me one and I wished her a Merry Christmas...Sat there for about fifteen minutes and then left.
Well, hit a few friends house get togethers and when I was leaving one, about 9:45pm, I got a call on my cell phone...It was X??? Well, she said to me, "Not that I needto know your business; but one of the kids kind of said that your parents were not going to be there with you the whole time, so I was wondering what your plan with them was?" I told her that I had one and that we would open gifts and then after a bit my parents were going to go visit my aunt and that the kids could play with their toys.
She then said I know your parents always did that and so, it think it stinks for the kids to have to not be with all the relatives and that at her house, they would all be there. So, she told me if I wanted to come by with the kids and hang there with them, that there was plenty of food and the cousins would be there. She figured why have me wasting time till I needed to drop them off when I could go there??? She portrayed it from concern about the kids and not so much about me...Not that I expected that; but...
Well, I told her I might come by later and do that...Hey, it puts me in a social situation with all of them and I get to be my new imporved me around them. Not that I think there is any alterior motive to her and maybe she has an outside love interest already??? who knows; but I guess it is an opportunity...Got to take advantage of it...
Well, just wanted to journal that here. (BTW, also belong to an online dating service, so I emailed a woman today who had gone offline months agao. So, not to worry, I am not putting all my eggs in one basket)
Well, wish me luck that I hold it together and am genuine and able to show my improvements!!!
Ok...quick update...God must be playing a cruel joke on me...Got a call from my X and my 8 yr old is sick. It old her to let him stay home and i would see him later...She said it's Christmas, so he will want to go...I feel bad for him being sick on Christmas stinks.
On another note, that kind of throws a wrench in my above post with visiting and such :-(
Well, I still have to give my stepson his gifts, so there will be some contact and I told her I might still come hang for a bit with them...she didn't say not to. So, I'll play it by ear; but like a said God is playing a cruel joke on me and I don't think it's funny!!! ;-)
This will be a long post as I am journaling/venting and looking for input!!!
Well, was a weird day yesterday and having a tough morning to day
Got another call yesterday from my X around 1:00pm when I was on my way to get the kids. She asked me where I was...I said why??? She asked me if I minded getting the kids at her mom's (she currently lives next door to her). She then told me that she was not there, she was at home and was not going back over there. I said why? She said she had a big blow with 2 of her sisters and a few words with her mom.
I guess her sister who I am godfather to her daughter, asked what she did for me from the kids for Christmas and she said nothing. I guesss her sister blasted her and told her she was selfish because I had brought gifts the other day to their kids and sent cards to her family members. I guess alot of them called herand asked what do we do...Do we send cards back??? She and I agree that it is up to them to do what they want in regards to that. Well, I guess her sister came to her house and started on her again and that is when my X and stepson left her house and went to the movies. At least this time it wasn't anything I had a direct hand in!!!
Well I got a call a little time after I had gotten the kids to my parents house...She told me they would be at the movies for a couple of hours. I was going to hang with her nad the kids later and have some wine with her. My kids got their gifts and played for a bit. My parents left to go to my aunts house at 3:30pm...They are another issue...They decided this year that they weren't doing anything for me or my brother as far as gifts...They make Christmas suck...I am all alone and being divorced makes it hurt more...I feel like I will never feel good again. I know that is probably not true; but I hate this feeling About 5pm, we headed to her house.
When I got there I unloaded the gifts and then gave my stepson his gifts. The kids went off to play and she and I sat on the couch and drank some wine and ate some snacks.
In general, we had a good time; but I guess she has some family members telling her it is okay for her to have me in her house and others to not do that (mom and dad respectively). Anyway, she starts talking to me and says jokingly that this is all my fault. If I hadn't done these cards and gifts, that this wouldn't have happened. I was good, I just let her talk; but inside I wanted to tell her how she has screwed up all our lives.
Well, we clinked our glasses and I wished her Merry Christmas and gave her a quick kiss, lip to lip; but nothing passionate...just a peck. She continued on with telling me how she because of the 3 kids, then corrected with the 4 kids, my stepson, that she was trying to create a way for us to get along becasue of them. I heard her. I just wonder whether she will ever come around. I say this because we talked for an hour after that about different things and old neighbors, etc. She got a text message earlier from someone and told me the person was having a bad day (I believe the old neighbor she had an affair with after we split); but that she rarley does that anymore and then said she doesn't really deal with his wife or him anymore. I told her that I was messing around one day had looked up myself and her (X) on the internet and that I ame up with all the addresses we lived at. Then I told her that I had looked up the old neighbors and she said she had been too and asked what I found...I BS'd her and said I had some stuff. She pushed for me to tell her what and I told her I'd rather not say and that it cost money, so I never went further. So, at least it seems she has started to fix that part of her life. (I don't want that affair out ther; butif her dad knew it wasn't me being a jerk that ruined our marriage, it might feel better. I hate having that secret and having someone think I am the problem. ) Seems also that X is looking for dirt on the wife and her ex-affair...not sure why?
Like I said, in general, I did okay; but had a few moments where I messed up; but she never told me stop. We had both gotten up to get some pastries and I came up behind her and put my arms around her waist and hugged her just under and yes I will say it breasts. I wanted to touch her; but knew it was not a good thing to do.
Later we sat and finished more wine...Then I went to help the kids with something and saw my 8yr old who had been sick, sleeping downstairs...I told her and said I could carry him up to bed...She said the bed needed to be made first...So, we helped each other make the bed and then she said go bring him up. I did and we each gave him a kiss goodnight. Then we cleaned up ai got ready to go and went downstairs to say bye to the kids. Then I asked her about coming tomorrow to setup the wireless network for my other son and she said they should be there. Then I got my stuff, leaned towards her and we gave each other a big hug and I kissed her on the cheek, where she had turned her head. And yes, bad Dbing; but I squeezed her ass and she never flinched??? That was okay...didn't expect more than that. I left and went to friends house.
Iam just having a tough day today...I have it off, she has the kids and I just feel like she took that part of my life...she says she is trying to get along; but I guess I would never have let alot of what happened last night happen if I didn't still care...I guess I would have been like don't, etc.
I know that in her head she is saying this is what it is; but I would like Wllowwlk or anyone else in this sitch to tell me if this is how their sitch started off before it took turns for the better. Not holding tons of hope and I will still date, etc; but I guess I still hold hope...
It's compounded by the holidays; but I feel all alone and I am angry that she just gets to have the kids and then do the things she did; but I keep my mouth shut; because if there is any hope, it does no good to get angry temporarily if it might have a chance...I may be being foolish; but I am trying to suck it up for the possibility...even though it may never happen.
She is having tough time financially, wants to work and is discouraged...saying that noonewants to hire a 40yr old who has stayed at home with her kids the past 8yrs. I feel like she is still searching for her independence from someone supporting her and find her self worth...That she cannot be in a relationship till she feels that she is self sustaining...Question is, when that happens, will she come around??? WHo knows...Going over there towards noon to setup network...Thank God my friend invited me over tonight to watch football with him...I am so scared to be alone and I hate the new apartment I am moving to...Almost as much as living at my parents house...I will post more about my moving dilemma in another post...Guess that's all for now!!!
Well, went over yesterday around 2:30pm to setup the network. Brought her a coffee and she thanked me.
When I go there I needed a few more things to steup the network and my stepson needed a battery for his digital camera. So, he and I headed off to find the battery. About 2 hours later we got back. No success on finding the battery. So, I started getting the stuff together for setting up the newtork and X-Box. A few minutes later she told me to tell the kids to come upstairs for dinner and that since I was there, I might as well have dinner too. She had a glass of wine for each of us. We all ate together, which was nice. When the kids were done, they got up and left. So, my X and I had some cake for desssertand just shot the breeze a bit.
After that I helped pick up the stuff on the table and proceeded to wash the dishes. She came over and helped dry them and put them away. The whole time, we shot the breeze about the old neighborhood and how people all talked behind everyones back. MOstly her saying this not me. Tlaked about a few other peoples failed relationships and she stated that she has distanced herself from the guy she was confused about and his wife. (I guess that is a positive!!)
Well, after that, I went back downstairs and setup the X-Box side of the network. My other son was playing on the computer, so she said each needed a shower. We took the youngest upstairs for his. We got him in the shower and let him play for a little bit while we watched the TV. Avbout 5 minutes passed and I asked her if he needed his hair washed. She said to go in and put some shampoo in his hand. We let him stay in there for a few more minutes and then she told m I could get him out and that the towels were in the closet. So, I got him dressed in his PJ's. (Now that was another first!!!...I had asked a few times before if I could give them there shower. In order to be around them a bit more and to help her...SHe always refused and said I can do it)
Well, she then said that she could take care of our other son while I worked on the computer. So, she did that and I went downstairs to work on the computer. Unfortunately, I was having some problems and it was getting later, about 8:30pm and I was supposed to go to my friends house to watch the football game at 9pm (1/2 hr drive) So, I came upstairs and told her that I was running into some problems and that I would need to come back. She told me that was fine. So, I told her I would do that either tonight or tomorrow. I also to her that if she couldn't find the CD for the router, that I would get another one and fix the computers next time.
As I was getting ready to go, I was putting my shoes on next to her on the couch and I thanked her for dinner and she said thanks for working on the computers, as I have no idea how to do that. (another first!!!)
Well, I had told her I would drop off her rented DVD to the store when I left and she said "Oh, you wanted to see the game. You won;t have time to drop it off." I told her I would do it and then head over to my friends. I said I will be back and as I said that someone walked in the back door and went downstairs...Probably her Dad. She rolled her eyes and said they just walk in anytime. (They live next door.)
Well, I left and went to friends house.
It felt good for us to work together. Everything went fine and from a DB perspective I felt good. However, I keep hearin those words she said the day before "We have 3 I mean 4 kids and I just want to find a way to get along." I wonder if that is all it is ever going to be or whether I see some kinks in the armor???? I know I need to take it slow and not push; but it is hard to know what and when to ask her about different things like giving the kids a shower, etc. I would like to do more of that; but I don't want to push her away. I just want the opportunity to do that wit hthe kids and to be around her to show her the changes. Yes, I know she sees things; but these are concrete actions. Well, anyone that has been there and has had it work or not have any opinions on this? I guess like I said before, that if she did not still have feelings for me, that she would have told me stop, take a hike or you shouldn't be here this long??? Well??? lol
As an addendum, I was comingto work around noon today and I passed her and waved from inside my car...No reaction form her. However, I have a new car that she is not used to seeing and sometimes she just is oblivious to things around her too. I just hope her dad or someone didn't start into her about me being there.
Well, wish me luck as I try and keep living my life; but also seeing if my old one can eventually become a new better one. I hope that I am not pipedreaming and that others have travelled the same path as I and had it go well.
Quote: feel like she is still searching for her independence from someone supporting her and find her self worth...That she cannot be in a relationship till she feels that she is self sustaining...
From a Venusian perspective, this is really key. I am 44, so I can relate to what your W may be going through. She is not only struggling for independence but also for her identity. She needs to be able to define herself as a person, apart from your M or any other R and also apart from being a mom.
I will venture a guess that what she needs from you now more than anything is for you to behave like a friend; like her best friend. And that means no more hugs and a$$-grabbing, my friend. Find ways to validate her efforts; do what you can to encourage her to pursue her career or further her education. And it is important for you to view her first and foremost as a friend.
Emphasizing our friendship (aka best friends) I think was one of the things that really turned the corner for me in my sitch. And when you listen to married couples who have very successful and long-term marriages, they always say the same thing -- the friendship is what is most important.
So start treating her like your best friend. And that includes adding a little mystery from time to time (she didn't need to know that you were going over to a friend's house to watch football -- just stating that you have plans is good enough and all she really needs to know). Experiment with the mystery and see what happens. She seems very warm and open to you right now. Work it, dude!
Wllowwlk...I agree about the mystery thing. However, it was Monday Night Football and we were talking about our home team. So that is why I mentioned it.
Alot has happened in the past 2 days so this post is long...
Well, really strange and weird things happening. I was heading home from work. I work in the town where they now live. Anyway, I get a call from X. Asks me if I am in town. I say yes, why? Well, can I come take care of my daughter who is sick and the other kids? She sounded like crap. She tells me that she doesn't want to call two of her sisters who she had an argument with on Christmas. I tell her I can come over.
Well, I go there and my daughter looked ok...Actually got sick once while I was there. It was X who looked the worst and was. Well, I cleaned up their mess when they got sick and later got the kids settled for bed. In the meantime, I tended to my X and started doing the laundry which had piled up. At one point I had to help her walk to the bathroom and she said "You're going to get sick too". I told her, that we could make a deal, that if I did, that she would take care of me. She agreed. She seemed appreciative of what I was doing. It got to be about 10pm and she had fallen asleep so I shut off her tv and went downstairs to do the laundry and just sit back.
I was laying on the couch downstairs about and hour later and heard a loud noise. So, I ran upstairs to see what happened. My X asked the same thing. Didn't find anything. Well, I felt her head and she was warm. So, I stroked er hair as it made her feel a little better. Well, Needless to say, I stayed upstairs with her on the pullout sofa bed. Over the course of the night, she tossed and turned and woke up. At one point her back was hurting so I gave her a back rub which she said helped. Later she was cold so I put the blankets on her and held her to get her warm. As we lay there, my hand was able to touch her breast and she was okay with this. Later the other hand had checked what whe was wearing lower...(There is a pont to this. Based on something I will reveal later) Anyway, I found that she had shaved her private area, pretty much clean, which she had never ever done before.
Well, it all started to make sense. Sorry if this gets graphic; but it is the whole issue. Her comments, from a month ago, about not being who everyone thinks she is. Seems as I was putting away laundry, I came across a XXX Porn video in her drawer. This was never her. I could never get her to touch herself or do anything but the normal missionary position. Now she has a tattoo, hooks up with a married guy and then has a porn video, that is very graphic and is basically hard core. (Funny, I had this, I wish she had started thiswith me thing in my head. All I ever wanted was her to stop being inhibited...I guess she really has now!!!) I have not let on that I know of this.
Well, the kids got up and I stayed there for the day, as she was still not right and needed help. As the day progressed, I finished the laundry, kept things picked up and under control and played with the kids. Later in the day, my stepson had to go to his Dads. I was going to drop him off and fix their dinner for them. As my X talked about getting my stepson to his dads, she said she could make dinner and that I might as well keep heading home, as his dads house was halfway between mine and her house. I told her that before I had gotten her call, yesterday, that I was originally coming tonight to fix the network problem I had started the other night. So, I dropped off my stepson, came back set up network and prepared to leave. She was making the kids dinner and I have tomorrow off. So, I had said I will be by tomorrow, maybe around 10:30am to take them bowling. We had discussed this before and she had been invited to go. So, she had said she might. So, I asked her if she was going to come with us. My X said that our daughter wanted her to go, so she probably would. Seems she was surprised at the time though and I asked her if it was too early. She said no it would be fine.
Well, I got my stuff ready to go. Said goodnight to the kids and gave her a peck on the cheek and said "I hope you feel better...See you tomorrow"..She said yes and I got a very subdued, "thanks"
I left and that was the hardest thing to do after having spent the most time I have with all of them in a long time!!!
All in all she seemd to appreciate my help; but I think we started to overload on each other for now. I just have issues with how to know if she will ever show me she cares back. Imean porn video, who knows what she has dne with someone else or multiple people, maybe even at the same time??? Part of me is sacred of who she may be now and the other is bummed that she didn't at least lose some of her inhibitions when we were married. Does this mean by doing this after our marriage that she was not satisfied with me or that it can never fix itself???
Also, did I get used or is she just confused??? I am so not sure of what I am supposed to do. I keep trying to move on with life; but there is just something about her that keeps me here. (secretly, I want her more knowing that she has lost some inhibitions. Just not sure I need to know all the details of how )
I am really hurting from the mixed info I am getting
Plus if she gets a job she needs one with insurance. So, would mean at least 30 hrs...When would I have time to interact with her? And then she would be getting half of what I make and her jobs money. Why would she want someone like me. She will be getting a ton of money and will be better financially than me. So, she could just keep going the route of a scummy boyfriend. It's hard to support that lifestyle especially since my kids are growing up living with her. I should have fought harder to keep them; but thought I couldn't have won, that she was an ok mom and that we eventually would work things out. I find now that she probably isn't what I want my kids around right now. I mean with all she is going through, is she really, at this point a good influence on them? Whether it is confusion or just a total life change, is what she is doing the sexual aspects, the having dated a married guy, etc. good for them? What type of guy is she going to attract that will be around my kids if we never fix things?
I know that is probably not true; but I hate this feeling About 5pm, we headed to her house.
That was okay...didn't expect more than that. I left and went to friends house.
Part of me is sacred of who she may be now and the other is bummed that she didn't at least lose some of her inhibitions when we were married. Does this mean by doing this after our marriage that she was not satisfied with me or that it can never fix itself???