Nope, don't mind hijacking the thread...I guess I want to hear as much as possible so that I can decide on how to handle things with my X.
My biggest issue right now is how long might it take for her to let go of the other guy and start getting herself together again...Right now she seems to be in a mode of feeling like she is worthless and not worth love or anything...I wold loveto tell her she is; but I can't right now...she has to work out her own problems and that is hard to let someone you love do...You want them to know you support them; but you can't :-(
P.S. Falcon, just because u live in the house doesn't mean no guy will come by!!!
Has anyone on here ever seen a sitch like mine actually work out or is this just a futile effort and something that I need to go through to get past her???
Last night I was in the plaza where my daughter takes dance and I happened to see my X drive through the lot to across the street where this guys daughter takes dance...this was 20 minutes before my daughter gets out...I saw her park on the side of the place and run around towards where his car was; but then I never saw her again; but I did see him and his kids come out of the building and leave??? I know I am obsessing; but I am afraid to get hurt.
I guess I am supposed to give her time to work this through right???
Keep working on yourself - lots of exercise, better/leaner diet, try new meditative/relaxation techniques, renew/get in touch with any spiritual beliefs, strengthen family/friendship ties. Polish yourself up, my friend, and push yourself to become the best man you possibly can.
Your W fell in love with you at one point in time. Become a better man than you were then. If she returns to you, that would be a wise choice on her part. If she doesn't - well, who wants to be with a foolish person anyway, right?
She WILL notice your changes. There may be anger initially, but some curiousity/interest will happen next, and comparisons b/t you and the OM will be made. You have a permanent connection with her via the kids. Stay focused as well on being a great father to them, as the OM will never be able to replace you.
Give her space and take your focus off of her. Let her do her work on herself. Some folks go to therapy/counseling. Some read books or talk to friends/priests/family. Others learn thru the school of hard knocks. She seems like the latter, but if she's smart, she eventually learn her lessons.
Gabriel, thanks...What I am going through now is that she seems to have backed off a bit after spilling to me Saturday...
I called to say goodnight to the kids and about 20 minutes later I got a call from her...Today is my birthday and I originally thought that we had the kids on our birthdays, like my stepsons dad. I had mentioned that to the kids on Sunday and sid I wasn't sure; but I thought like my stepsons Dad, that this was the case...Well, I guess that my 8yr old said "We are going with Dad tomorrow...if T gets to go to his dads for his birthday then we do too"...Her call seemed angry at me...she said no; but didn't likethat they have school and would go....She said they could go out eith me....The reason? Because she didn't want to look like the bad guy!!! (How about because I am their Dad!!!)
Well, I am confused...I then said I had been checking on plays for us to go see and said that is if you still want to go? There was a long pause and I waitied for a no...What came next was I just don't know if it will be soon; because my mom was stressed whemn I got home at 1:00am on Saturday. Then I told her thre weren't a whole lot of them for about a month...She then said "I told you I don't get out alot"...I will talk to my mom when the time comes and if she doesn't I will ask my sister or someone to sit...
She seems to be willing to go; but I don't get any feeling of anticipation in her at going...almost cathartic???? Am I being used to get out, is she confused or does she not care??? I know noone really knows; but I am starting to wonder if this is how someone like her who is going through this is supposed to act...
Hey, if she liked the other guy better, wouldn't she find ways to go out with him and not want to go out with me???
You're obsessing. Thinking about the OM is going to drive you crazy.
And asking her out, then bringing it up again, then again is pursuit and pressure. She sounds like she's dragging her feet, that she isn't real excited about dating you but doesn't want to hurt your feelings. You've asked her, now leave it alone until she brings it up, if she ever does.
Know what I see? Your wife with the choice between a married man that is a challenge and her H/XH that is chasing her around like crazy. You are just too obtainable. I suggest you get distance and get less obtainable without being unfriendly. Quit asking her out and start working more on yourself.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
So, what do I do about the play we talked about??? Do I still find one and go or do I just drop it? I know I don't want to drop it nor will I probably, even with advice to do so.
You know, if she wanted to go, she'd say so, no ifs ands or buts. But she didn't, instead, she deflected your request. That's woman-speak for "NO". So, if you're not willing to drop it in the face of that deflection of hers, and in the face of being advised to stop pursuing, then continue to do what you want to do, and experience the same (or worse) results you already have.
Actually, she said yes and then last night when we were talking , she called me about son...I told her that I had checked on some and asked her what she thought...There was a pause and then she said...she wasn't sure how soon she could go because her parents who watched our kids, were on her about being out late when the 2 of us went out last evening. Then she said "I told you that I don't get to go out that often" Then she said she would run it past her parents and if they didn't she would ask her sister to sit for us.
I didn't push her for that...she volunteered that as far as her parents or sister watching the kids.
and you don't see that everything she said after first saying "yes" is her trying to turn it down without actually saying "no" to you? Look, I could be wrong, wouldn't be the first time nor the last time... but I just get the sense that if she was really wanting to go, you'd hear something more like "Great! I'll get a babysitter!" or "I'll leave the kids with [someone else] for the night".
