I am sorry for taking so long to reply. I have had to do a vast amount of soul searching these past months and I am not finished yet. Some things have changed dramatically, so much so that if I choose divorce, the time is now.
I am happy to report the lawsuit against me has been dropped and the jerks suing my wife settled with her malpractice insurance company for the sum of $30,000. It sucks that they get anything at all because I didn't get squat, but at least I am not in jail for killing the OM. I also know that he went through three sets of lawyers to sue me, and our filing bankruptcy foiled his attempts to get our home, so in the long run, his lawyer bills were as high as what his winnings were. So, he netted absolutely nothing. Yay me.
After the papers were signed and the lawsuits were over, my wife and I sold our home and moved to another state to get back on our feet again. We are living with her parents as we look for another home. It sucks very much for me to be here, but the children are being doted on to no end. Soccer camp...music camp...swimming...things I could not have paid for at this time. We are still completely broke. She is unemployed, but I just landed a job as a helpdesk techie. It is depressing because I feel I should be a lot farther along in my career, but it is a paycheck. My wife is looking for work and will find some soon, I am sure, but she will not be making what a PhD should be since she cannot, and doesn't want to go back to psychology. Most of what we make now will go to pay off her student loans.
Ok, now for the dilema. We will make a tidy sum on our home sale, enough to pay off the bankruptcy. But if we pay off the bankruptcy, there will not be enough to pay her parents money we owe them and we will not have enough to place a down payment on a home. However, none of this will matter if I decide to divorce her. I will be free of any lawsuits and will have emerged from bankruptcy. I can start anew. I could get an apartment in the school district where we want our children to go and she can stay with her parents. And her parents will be around to help with the children.
On a side note: the children have not been negatively affected by the move to another state because their closest friends where we used to live were moving away anyway. They are happy to be here.
Or, we can stay in bankruptcy, still be allowed to keep 20% of what we earn on our old home for a down payment on a new home, pay off her parents slowly for the next 3 years, and try to make this marriage work.
I keep telling myself that I can learn to love her again and that it is ok to not trust her yet. I keep telling myself that the children need to stay in a complete family. I tell myself I stay because I cannot allow my children to have a step father or step mother. They truly are great kids and I don't want to ruin that.
It is true...I have been paralyzed to act. My ego has been crushed so badly that I don't feel like anyone would want me after I divorce and that is another, albeit pathetic, reason to stay. Better the devil I know...ya know?
I have no heart and am cold inside except for the deep love I feel for my children. I don't want either of them to ever stay in a bad relationship because they learned it from me. I have such anger and resentment for my inlaws for betraying me and I hate the fact I am living with them.
My wife surely doesn't know my feelings as of this moment. Perhaps I should tell her so she can do more to make me want to stay. We recently laughed together and for a brief moment, I forgot most of the pain and held hope. But the love just doesn't seem to be there for me anymore.
Should I take the chance to start a new life for myself? Or should I buy a new home with my wife and hope I learn to love her once more? I wish I could say time will tell, but the time to act is now because of the opportunity to emerge from bankruptcy.
