i think you are very brave to have gone through so much. Remember when initially your wife was having the affair you didn't really want a divorce.
If she really has kept her word and you see a real change then I think you should not rush into a divorce. She made a mistake that has worked out very wrong but that cannot be reversed. As long as she has learnt from her mistake, there is still hope.
On the other hand if you feel you cannot take it any more then you are justified to divorce.
Thanks everyone for the kind words. I have been busy this week with the children as W read a 2 ft tall stack of legal papers in order to prepare for her meeting with lawyers today...I'll keep you posted on how things went.
It just brings it all back, right in my face. And I can't stand her for it!
My wife is a child of divorce, although her parents divorced when she was 20 years old in the middle of college. She hates them for living a lie and the way they tore her life apart when she was trying to get a college education. She never was able to finish school because of the scars they left behind during those years of her life. She wishes they had divorced when she was young. She tells me so many times that it hurts her more to know that they lived a lie until she was grown up than it does to know that they weern't in love. I think kids can handle it better than young adults can handle it.
I also have a male friend in his mid-20's whose parents got a divorce just two years ago and it has really messed him up.
There is no doubt in my mind that smaller children can recover from something like this faster than adults who really aren't adults yet.
I would never advise a divorce but in your case it seems like you married a habitual liar and cheater who simply cannot stay a good person for very long. Some people are just bad people. I wish you the best of luck and hope that none of this has offended you........
I am certainly not offended. I know divorce hurts at any age. I guess what I am trying to do is damage control and I very much do not want to live a lie. Thank you for your words.
Does anyone have any words on how to lessen the pain my children will feel?
sticking my 2 cents in. If you love her, try. Get over the affairs. There is an underlying reason for them and that's what you have to figure out. Let everything go. When you figure out what was "missing" which caused the affairs, then try to resolve those issues. The process of resolving the underlying issue will either bring you closer to your W or make it clear that you cannot work it out. Either way the As will be on the back burner for awhile and you will find that you are going to get past them one way or another. If your love and endure fixing the underlying problem, you may look back on the As as a horrible mistake which you know will never happen again.
The underlying reason for the affairs is a flaw in her character. NOTHING I did or said should have made her sleep around. You don't just throw away a marriage because you are lonely and depressed, and your husband isn't around to comfort you because he is working or hurt all of the time.
And I have tried to "get over them." Three years ago today she took a day trip to think about things while her parents, visiting from out of state, and I readied the house for Christmas. What I later found out was my wife was visiting her fat lover on his birthday and her parents knew about it! They were all smiles to my face knowing their daughter was out pi$$ing on her wedding vows.
Three years ago today this happened and it feels as terrible to me today as it did then. "Get over them" you say? If I could don't you think I would have?! I can't get over them! And I am stuck because I don't want to destroy my family with divorce, but I do not love my wife.
And her parents are coming for another Christmas visit today...Why am I wasting my life away living in the hell??? Can somebody tell me why I am so nuts!!!!
Honestly, I had to go back to my post b/c from reading your reply I assumed that you caught me on one of my bad days. Reading it, I think that you did not. Actually, it was a good day, and I just my thoughts were more profound than I could articulate. I am sorry that you feel that you do not love your wife. I am not in a position ot give you advise. I realize that the A is not your fault, as with my H, there is something sacred which was violated, which I never dreamed could happen. For me, I have decided that I can love my H beyond the A. What I meant by the underlying reason, is not that you did something wrong, it is that your W preceived something lacking which she fould fulfilled with OM, that is the thing that needs fixed. I am sorry for your anger, there needs to be a time to forgive and get passed the anger, you have to decide how to get there.
Like many others, I am truly sorry for your pain. Nobody deserves to be put through the hell you've had too endure.
Quote: And I have tried to "get over them."
You have tried. AWESOME. Good for you. It is truly admirable that you gave her that opportunity. I admire all of the people on this board that have tried, despite their pain.
There is nothing stated anywhere that says you have to FORGIVE her.
Part of forgiveness is about KNOWING you can TRUST the other person to not repeat their actions. You may simply NOT TRUST. Deep down, you probably KNOW that she will do it again. And, you find that unacceptable. Who wouldn't?
Quote: Why am I wasting my life away living in the hell??? Can somebody tell me why I am so nuts!!!!
Simply, because you choose to.
Because you have a flaw in your character.
The flaw in your character is NOT that you can't forgive her.
The flaw in your character is that you are paralyzed to ACT. I know that sounds harsh. But, if you KNOW you can't love her, it is totally illogical and downright self-defeating to continue. Give yourself the opportunity for future happiness. Don't be a martyr.
You may turn-around and say there are many people on this board that also refuse to act, but we'll just use ShockedAndAlone or myself as an example. WE ARE ACTING. We are choosing to FORGIVE; to try to work it out. It is an uphill battle. It is painful. We also sometimes wonder why we put ourselves through this because in the end it may not work out. But, here's the key, WE KNOW we can love our spouses again.
Ultimately, it is just a different, EQUALLY ADMIRABLE, choice. We KNOW that we can make a different CHOICE at a later date, when we become convinced that the other will not be capable of loving us.
You deserve a life. MAKE A CHOICE that gives you that opportunity. No matter what your CHOICE, you can always make a different CHOICE the next day, the next month, or the next year.
SBH you couldn't have said it better. It is a flaw in their character and they can't stand to hear it yet admit this. It seems like this situation with her is not helped by her parents not setting her straight about this inappropriate behavoir even if blood is thicker than an inlaw. SBH I would tell you what I might say to her parents but there is so much anger and hurt (and Believe me I"am feeling the same things you are) in this matter that it probably isn't in your best interest. You are dealing with a lot right now not only with your W and her parents and your children but all the legal matters that you have. You are a strong person I can tell by the way you are dealing with these problems. Take things one at a time and be patient with them you don't have to be in a hurry. Just remember you are not alone myself and others are going thru this as well and if you need someone to talk to or just to blow off some steam let it go. As far as living with your wife for the welfare of the children. That's a tough call, but if you are miserable being around her then this may not be to healthy for anyone. Take care of yourself SBH you are in our prayers
SBH - so sorry, I lost track of your thread after that last visit.
Some things for you to ponder: 1) IF you are planning on staying for the sake of the children, then you need to find a way to forgive her - for YOUR sake - and move forward.
2) IF you really cannot take living with your W any longer - I cannot lay any blame at your feet. You've tried extraordinarily hard. I'm living in reconciliation with my H after a very brief affair he had, nothing like what most of you have had to endure, and he has come back to me in all ways and made everything up to me, and it's been 3 years - and frankly, it is STILL hard some days. I've been having flashbacks during the holidays, I have to really work at this still sometimes.
What is your wife currently doing to make you feel loved? How is she doing at meeting your needs? Has she gotten the help that she needs? Maybe you are feeling this frustrated because she really isn't doing what is required to repair this relationship?
