LFL, Yep! I did two things differently: I came to bed naked (which h asks for, always) even though it is *freezing* here. I just cranked up the electric blanket and it was nice. I haven't been sleeping naked cause I didn't have the elec blanket on and I would not have been able to tolerate it, otherwise. I do not handle cold well at all. Secondly, I tried out ol NOPkins' "place H's hand where you want it" technique to rousing success. (thank you NOP! A giant hug to ya, big guy)
You know, it was funny. At one point, I said to him, "H I think we should just keep going. No break for you!" He laughed and replied, "I know you were joking but seriously that is not a bad idea. The breaks get me all messed up and off track."
Karen and I have talked about this feast/famine dynamic so it was interesting to hear it validated by him.
What is also noteworthy is that he and I got into a pretty good argument earlier in the night. All my fault. I was ticked OFF at his mother, who is manipulative and I allow her to do it to me grrrr, and I took it out on him. Then our kids were driving both of us bananas. All in all, it was not the sexiest night we've ever had. Oh and then we got into a religious debate that, while it never degenerated into an argument, was not going well for a while. All his fault. NOT the best evening for ML! So that is another testament to how far we've come. In the past, one of these events would have derailed us for days. Now we were literally dissolving into tears (from laughter) right before bedtime; all had been satisfactorily resolved and apologies handed out.
Btw, Cobra, here is a question for you:
When delving into FOO stuff, why does it seem that your spouses' FOO crud is sooooooooo much worse than your own? I think that is part of the reason why I pooh pooh it sometimes. Because when I start to think about it too much, I find myself overly focused on HIS family. (they really are whackos, can I just say that )
I guess my real question is this: How does one go about quietly and firmly resolving their FOO stuff without stepping into other people's FOO issues? It seems to me that one begets the other. If I'm so engrossed in FOO stuff, I will naturally think about H's FOO stuff and then I'm off and running. I've noticed this trend in your own posts, as well. How do you keep it to yourself, so to speak? Any ideas?
Well, at any rate, I wanted to chime in and say that I'm feeling a lot more positive (obviously, duh!) about our frequency issues. I have no idea if this will continue or not but at least I have something to build on. This has happened one other time since summer but it was a bit of a fluke and not something that he intentionally set out to do. THIS time it was intentional and so it feels different, mentally and emotionally. You can build off an intentional thing..attempt to repeat it, in a way that is not so easy when it's a fluke.
I am so happy for you that you and your H have come so very far. And...oh heck, I'm just gonna say it...I envy the crap outta you too!!!! I am just hoping and praying that one day my H will talk to me about sex the way yours is now.....but I am SOOOOOOO very happy for you!!!
WOW Honey!! You two have made sooooo much progress.
I bet you are smiling big today.lol
I always get iritated by my hubby's parents also. Sometimes to I take it out on him. Expecially when they do things hurtful. I think it hurts me just as much as it hurts him. But he doesn't show it?? Maybe that is why I get so angry for him. Because he doesn't ever stand up tp them.
Honey... You and H really have it together! It is really amazing, considering the detachment you felt just a short while ago, and sends a message of hope here on the BB.
I'm thinking you should try to keep the momentum going--- I know breaks in our schedule really seem to set us back. H and I also had a few fluky high frequency weeks but neither of us was ready to discuss it and capitalize on it.
H and I are doing good after last Sat's weirdo nite; our next scheduled nite was Wed. which went off pretty much hitchless. Here is the thing ( okay, so I am hijacking here)...H is very good about committing to the schedule...even " reminded" me about it in the morning. Initiation is never an issue as he does make the first move ( on Wed he even lit a candle and wanted brownie points for being romantic). Those are the good points. The hard part is that it does take him awhile to get hard, or it comes and goes. And while he is a more " go with the flow" type person, I start to feel rejected inside, like I am not desirable. He will do some foreplay on me and I will notice nothing's happening for him. The good news is that he seems to be comfortable with his body at this point, feeling confident he will get there, and on Sat, when he felt shut down, he was very matter of fact about it and told me he'll come around later. He is sensitive to pressure in many areas of his life and knows this about himself. But all the problems from the past come to haunt me...his rejection and hostility toward me when I first tried to broach the intimacy issue come into play ( although he is anything but hostile now...he is very cooperative)and I feel undesirable. This is a long winded way of saying I am hung up on the desirability issue...HELP!
Anyway...congrats on your wonderful week! Now you have freed up energy to get into Dr. Honeypot mode with us on the board...get to work! xo
Lassie, The talking about sex is one of the sweetest things about the whole thing. When we first started, we could not even say the words--it was terrible. SO awkward. I didn't know how to bring it up, what to say, how to convey my true self without looking like a total perv/degenerate.
Sometimes I can't believe that we've become one of those couples who talk/joke freely about sex. With my H's religious hangups I think we'd have been voted Most Likely Not to Succeed at this.
Journey, Howdy sis. I'm glad Wed went off without a hitch.
Hmmm, what to do about your desirability issue. Lemme ask you this: What things does H do to let you know that he desires you? Can you shift your focus to those things instead?
I think it's a good thing that H is comfortable with himself. Truly I can't imagine having a husband who was at all comfortable in his own skin...mine is so opposite of that. Does it happen like that every time, that it takes a while for it to happen? Or is it fast sometimes and sometimes takes a while? *That* would mess with my mind, though I'm sure all the fellas will chime in here and say that it has nothing to do with the wife, blah blah.
Oh one more thing. Last week I was having a desirability crisis. What I realized was that I had cut down on my OWN contributions towards being sexy by a ton--my motivation just fizzled, I guess, when it wasn't going over like I had hoped. When I realized that, a good deal of my resentment lifted and I was able to see that I need to kick it up a notch.
Speaking from one HDW to another, I think that our husbands have a hard way to go. Because what we ultimately want is not only for them to become more eager and willing to ML, but also for them to take the sexual lead.
I very much wanted to get the ball rolling, then slip back into being a woman again, and let him take over. It hasn't worked out that way. The result looks more like: He has stepped up a lot but is still dependent on me to set the overall tone. He still takes his direction from me, in this dept. I am more or less okay with this. Depends on which day you ask me, lol. (I know you will relate to that one:)
So what I wanted to ask you is whether you have slacked off on your contributions in the way that I had?
And the larger question: Is this common with the HDWs? To be gung ho, but only as a way to get the ball rolling.. I really have no desire to bring the heat permanently.
Oh and I wanted to say that your H sounds like he's really trying hard. He should get major brownie points for all the special touches he's doing--the lingerie buying, the lighting candles. He's a gem, Journey. I'd give my eyeteeth to have H do those things within the space of a year and here your man has done it in the space of a couple weeks! Way to go to both of you.
Quote: What things does H do to let you know that he desires you? Can you shift your focus to those things instead?
Good advice. I can focus on some of the touchy/huggy things he does and the WOA rather than being so phallic focused.
Quote:
I think it's a good thing that H is comfortable with himself. Truly I can't imagine having a husband who was at all comfortable in his own skin...mine is so opposite of that.
I do think he is becoming accepting of himself...maybe I am the one who is not comfortable with his skin, preferring a more confident, assertive personality style at this point in my life. Recently H had to do a presentation at work...he was laughing at himself, telling me he knows he'll mess it up in some way. But he knows he gets the job done, inhis laid-back style, and this applies sexually as well.
Quote:
Does it happen like that every time, that it takes a while for it to happen? Or is it fast sometimes and sometimes takes a while? *That* would mess with my mind, though I'm sure all the fellas will chime in here and say that it has nothing to do with the wife, blah blah.
It happens pretty consistently with the schedule. He is more spontaneously hard in the morning ( and will sometimes " show" me this by rubbing against me) and when he is completely relaxed.
Quote: So what I wanted to ask you is whether you have slacked off on your contributions in the way that I had?
Yes. I want him to take the lead, and I haven't been as forward. I have wanted him to spontaneously do oral on me without my asking. I have avoided oral on him until this happens,lol. Just plain stupid.
Quote:
And the larger question: Is this common with the HDWs? To be gung ho, but only as a way to get the ball rolling.. I really have no desire to bring the heat permanently.
Yepyepyep.
I am beginning to have an awareness that I can't change his basic nature...but I will work on tweaking it just a bit more. I'm aware that in the context of the " loss" of my father I may be putting too much strain on the marriage with my neediness.
Quote:
Oh and I wanted to say that your H sounds like he's really trying hard. He should get major brownie points for all the special touches he's doing--the lingerie buying, the lighting candles.
Your positive spin on H's behavior always helps to reframe me. Oh, and if we're talking brownies, we'll have to do some sharing with LFL!
Journey, as I was writing brownie points I thought, hmmm brownies sound so gooooood. Women are so predictable.
I think the HDH's should somehow incorporate chocolate into their daily routines with their wives and then report back with the results.
Well, if you want to know the truth, I'm too lazy to make brownies so cups of hot cocoa for my chickens will have to suffice.
P.S. Isn't it strange how easy it is to see the good, and to reframe our thoughts, when others are ticking off our H's good points? I do the same. We should start a thread about the unique situation of the HDW's, wherein we want the eagerness and willingness but also the leadership. Interesting.
IHJ, You're hubby is probably getting to be like me, things can go up and down depending on what's going on and it is not necessarily an indicator of how much he is getting into it/you. When males get over 40 Mr. Happy doesn't always stay erect all the time. He'll go up and down depending on attention to him or if it is elsewhere, so DO NOT use that as the indicator. My Mr. Happy doesn't always stay up while I'm "going downtown" (to borrow from GEL) ,but is back at attention when it's his turn for other activities, shall we say.
Scott -Who is adding to the hijack and is now in week 3 of not having the new mattress properly initiated.
"Satisfaction is not guaranteed." Rule #19 Ferengi "Rules of Acquistition"
Oh one more thing. Last week I was having a desirability crisis. What I realized was that I had cut down on my OWN contributions towards being sexy by a ton--my motivation just fizzled, I guess, when it wasn't going over like I had hoped. When I realized that, a good deal of my resentment lifted and I was able to see that I need to kick it up a notch.
I really related to these comments. When I get down about the M or the resentments flare up, I sometimes notice I also slack off on my own attempts at desirability. For instance, not wearing sexy clothes or not doing my makeup. I call it my frumpy mode. Hate it, because I always feel worse about myself when I am like that. Oh, not getting to the gym is another one that makes me feel less desirable to. So I think there are many things we can do OURSELVES to feel sexy/attractive/desirable that have nothing to do with our S. I think Lil had a new thread related to this topic too. May jump over there now. Have a great weekend (with more hot sex of course)!
)
,but is back at attention when it's his turn for other activities, shall we say.
