Inspiration, snort. Just ask MrH if that description fits, LOL.
Things are really good around here. The thing that is different from other 'good' times is that we are navigating some tricky areas and still doing it with kindness, compassion, a great deal of ease, quick resolution and no lingering resentment. THIS is the amazing part.
Last night we had another frequency discussion. In the past, I would have been frustrated at saying the same things again and again. I felt that briefly but mostly I just laid back and said very little. I didn't have to. He knows how I feel and what I have stated would work for me. The entire convo had a tone of loving kindness to it...as if we were talking about one of our kids or something! It was incredible. Interestingly enough, we were doing lots of touching and I found myself getting turned on. THIS is a first. I don't think I've ever gotten turned on before by the "I need more ML" convo. As a woman, it feels awful to have to say that--as if I'm not enticing enough or something. I know this is not the case but I'm just relating how that conversation feels to me, not necessarily the logic or rationale behind it.
Anyway, the whole thing was lovely! Our EC is still rock solid, the best it's ever been. Our anni is Friday and I feel positive about our M.
Cally, did my emotional flu have anything to do with the current progress? Undoubtedly. I can't say specifically how..all I know is that there was a renewed sense of effort in his behavior, afterwards. He was willing to do things and try things that he hasn't been willing to do our entire marriage.
One of the things that stuck in my mind was me saying, "Did you really think it would stay like this forever? With me making most of the R effort and me being the one to want you all the time, while you sat back and decided whether you'd have me or not?" He had a weird look on his face...shock mixed with regret mixed with something else and said, "Well yeah, as dumb as that sounds now, yeah I did think it would stay that way."
So I suppose the biggest change (of late--there have been many changes on both our sides over the yrs) is that he now knows that the answer to the question is No it won't stay this way forever, so I'd better do something now.
Or maybe not. I'm guessing as to his thoughts; can't say for sure.
Update: Things are sorta neutral around here. Not bad, not fantastic..just kinda plugging along and trying to keep the love alive.
We had a hairy moment last week and have not fully recovered from it. I read the article that Lillie posted (and GGB sent to me, as well) about enticing a sexually indifferent husband. I went off the deep end a bit and blindsided my H. The suggestions in the article just did not seem that they would work on my H and that depressed the ever lovin hell out of me. We still very much have sex when he wants to and, while I *could* use the Just Grab It method to success each time, I prefer something more........subtle. More feminine. Something that allows a little reciprocity of desire. After all, I could just grab a chimpanzee and he'd have the same reaction of wanting to have sex with me. With H, I'm left with the feeling of "didn't you want me at all over the last few days??" If I have to manufacture the desire myself, I'd rather it be in a way that at least suggests that it has something to do with me, and is not a solely physical reaction to physical stimulation.
Anyway, the suggestions were things like flashing your mate and so on. This would presumably get his engine revved and he'd come after me. This is a subtle but significant difference to the female population. I don't WANT to be the initiator, truth be told. I'd rather seduce him into doing it. I don't think grabbing his penis and stroking it to hardness can really be called seduction, for some reason. Call me picky.
Anyway, he blew up at me and said that Yes I was right--he would not like to be flashed. We managed to work through the convo but with no real resolution. We still have not talked through ways that I can entice him to WANT ME. All in good time. (On another note, I want to thank GGB publicly for being such a good friend and true gentlemen. Thank you!)
Then I brought up something that is weighing on me: The fact that I feel like I have to make things perfect so that we can ML that night. I have to keep the house spotless. I have to keep the kids behaving. I have to minimize all stress in the house. I can't go to bed too late. I can't start a conversation while in bed because that runs the Invisible Time Clock up and it gets too late. I have to be perfect. It's really too much and it's a load of poo poo, to boot. He agreed.
Not much has changed on that front, but I only said it last week (and last night, again) and I think that eventually it will sink into his brain that this is really an unfair expectation to have of anyone--I can't control my surroundings anymore than anyone else can. I can only go with the flow and do my best to meet his needs. And I do.
Now for the good parts, lol! We navigated these convos well and ML over our 10th anniversary weekend, several times. We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves and so did the kids. We even had one smokin hot session. We have not connected at all this week because he keeps falling asleep on me but he has been kicking up the sexy behavior during the day and that almost makes up for it, doesn't it my HD friends. Last night he literally took my breath away with one event. He told me to come over to him and I did. He then slowly and sensually took my belt off. I was instantly turned on and stammered, W-what are you doing? He replied, I just want you to be comfortable. And then he went on with what he was doing. Definitely got my attention and he seemed very strong and confident and attractive. I think Blackfoot or Nopkins is coaching him on the side, lol.
There is lots of love in the air in our home these days. I think that a schedule is the only thing that is going to permanently solve our particular situation.
The desire thing is getting worked out, thanks to his attention to that request (thank you mrH). And now frequency is slipping! I do have faith that we will get in sync but waiting is hard for someone like moi. His showing me desire has strengthened our EC in immeasurable ways, so the failure to ML bugs me on a physical level but it doesn't emotionally devastate me like it used to.
So, in closing, we've got: EC + Sexy flirting and desire but not a lot of actual sex.
I'm hoping to come back and amend that equation to the perfect EC + Sexy flirting and desire culminating in lots of nookie
I think there's bound to be some roadbumps as you go along....but try not to sabotage yourself either, I think you and I both have a bit of a tendancy to do that sometimes.
Lass, I am the Queen of Self Sabotage. I get ahead of myself, trying to do everything at once, making ASSumptions about him, letting my fears rule my actions, etc etc. It aint pretty.
It is a legitimate issue...what can I do to get the frequency to a level that works for both of us (currently we are not even meeting HIS preference!) without having to resort to JGI, all the time. But the way I went about it sucked.
HP, You did tell him several times afterwards that the belt trick pushed ALL the right buttons, right? Remember to praise him lavishly when he does things right.
Gosh, it does sound like you've almost got it all now! The rest will come, but again remember to praise him for the huge progress he's made so far.
Now what are you doing to make sure his needs are being met?
The lack of sleep (possible apnea) thing is still nagging at me. I think it's amazing he can do as much as he does, given the sleep issues. I'd lobby for addressing that if you want him to quit falling asleep on you. It's hard to be horny if you're sleep deprived (well, after the first few months of an R anyway ).
We went over most of the stuff I wrote about yesterday and managed to keep it sexy and loving at the same time. Folks, I cannot stress enough what a change this is. *This* is practically the holy grail I've been searching for, even if the sex piece has not completely fallen into place.
We can now discuss sexual matters easily and calmly and lovingly, all the while touching each other and enjoying each other's bodies and when we are done, we ML.
Like many of you, it used to be a battle scene at worst and, at best, it was a scene whereby I was self righteously indignant and he was beaten down, emasculated, feeling bad about himself. This would lead to him lashing out, me..I was already angry and resentful so all I needed was a little spark and we were off and running. It was terrible. Nothing ever got resolved, it seemed.
So THIS change is monumental in the honey home. Unbelievable.
GGB, I did indeed bring up the belt escapade last night and told him how sexy I thought it was. He confessed that he was actually only trying to make me comfortable (the baby was on his lap so he wasn't thinking sexually), which is still unusual...to call someone over to take their belt off...but anyway, he said he picked up instantly on the fact that it turned me on and then HE got turned on. We talked a bit about how it's the little things like that prime the pump for later. He agreed that he needs to do more of these things and that he has been *very* resistant in the past to priming the pump. He said he felt weird about getting turned on when there was nothing we could do about it. He admitted that his thinking was irrational and that he wanted to change it.
We then talked about things I can do to turn him on, aside from JGI, which I told him doesn't do much for me from a seduction standpoint. (although I have no problems with just grabbing it now and then--I'm not that stubborn!)
Anyway, I got sidetracked. My point is that nowadays I always remember to praise the things I like in the hopes that I see them more often. Funny thing is that it seems to have taken months of praising before this technique worked. It was not a quick thing. Don't know why, but thought I'd throw that out.
SD, You know, we were talking last night about the sleep thing and I had the very same thought--something is niggling in the back of my mind about apnea and his sleep habits. I wanted to bring it up but we had already covered so much other stuff that it was in my best interest to just shutUP, ifyouknowwhatI'msayin. There's always tonight. I will bring it up again, though. He now has a cyst on the back of his head that hurts so much, it pains him to take his shirts off. It will cost us 400 smackers to have it removed, so it's staying for the time being, but I'm sure that thing is not helping his sleep problems one bit. Thank you for the reminder.I've not forgotten about that and I believe it is a significant part of the equation.
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