Learning to Trust Myself IV

[heatherg]

Thanks for the encouragement. I do know there is much work ahead and I also know that it is a possibility that counseling won't change a damn thing. The thought pretty much terrifies me, because in my eyes, that's really our last hope. Unless he has a self-induced revelation about our marriage and what it means to him, which isn't a likely scenario. Not likely because he really does view things oddly and unless someone else can change his perspective on a few things, I don't know that there is much hope for us.

It seems that every R talk we have, something else is said that rings in my ears. Even though our last talk had a positive ending, the beginning was very, very rocky. As we were arguing about what 50/50 custody means, he was stating his case that the kids should remain in his custody even when he is travelling, even if that means they stay with his parents. I told him he is clearly not acting in the best interests of the kids because they would certainly rather be with their mother than with their grandma. He told me he didn't know about that. He said it in a way that made me feel like he really believes that. I also asked him what he told the kids the night he left me at the mall, and he said they honestly never even asked. He just loves hurting me when it comes to the kids, I really think he does because it makes him feel so preferred and so loved. He admitted telling his Dad exactly what I suspected, which was only that I had gone to dinner with my brother. Although he said he told them the truth the next day, that he had left me at the mall. I asked him how they reacted and he said they just asked "What did she do for a ride?" Great, glad they are so concerned with their son's erratic behavior. I think they just think that in order for their son to do something like that, I must have been acting REALLY badly. Anyway, like I said, there is soo much that needs to change. On the positive side, he says the same thing. But obviously we each think it's the other person that needs to change....ugh.

I'm not sure what to expect in marital counseling. I know we'll have to tread VERY lightly at first. I'm not even sure how I'm going to find a counselor. He doesn't want anything to do with my IC, so I'm thinking that the yellow pages are my best bet, which I know is not a very good way. But short of asking my coworkers for recommendations, which wouldn't look very good, I'm not sure what else to do. Thoughts?

(NYS) Only time will tell, you'll either see real results or not. In time, if you don't see significant changes, you can make your decision knowing that the relationship isn't working and you've both tried.

Yep. I agree with all of your observations that you made regarding his statements to me. The biggest, most reassuring thing I will get from marital counseling I think is that someone will now hear HIS side. Which, for me, is important because I keep telling myself in my down moments that the only reason people are being supportive of me is because they haven't heard his side. Maybe I'm just as abusive as he is....we tend not to see our own flaws because our reasoning for the things we do is right there in the forefront of our minds. So that thought has kept me from being able to take too strong of a stance in this R. One of the things I will have to wrestle with in MC is how exactly I lay out my issues with H without seeming like I have an endless list....because I sort of do have an endless list. It takes a long time and a lot of examples to really convey the way my H reacts and behaves and perceives. It took me a long time on this BB, posting as often as I want. It's gonna be a really slow process going once every couple of weeks and feeling like I have to try NOT to blame.

(Piglet) The plus you have (that we didnt) is that you both seem to be verbal enough to get the issues out on the table to be dealt with.

Yes, getting the issues out to be dealt with is a positive. Thanks for pointing that out. Sometimes it's hard to find the specific positives in such a mess. The problem seems to be how we respond and react to the issues that are out there.

(Piglet) The MC seemed to multiply my anger when the MC tried to point out where I was at fault. I've had to accept that I share a portion of the blame to even begin to work through the anger and deal with my part of our problems.

Yes, I think this would be a problem for my H as well. And I worry that if the counselor pushes him too hard, he'll get up and walk out never to return.

(Still_Hopeful) I congratulate you for deciding to place some boundaries in your life...and I am happy that H is recognizing and at least verbally agreeing to step up to the plate.

Thanks. This is the first time H has ever agree to do anything specifically to help our M. It used to be that he would just tell me to "do whatever I needed to do", even if that meant leaving. I know now of course that he was bluffing. My question is why? Why would he bluff on such an important issue, knowing all along it wasn't what he wanted? What exactly is/was he trying to protect?

(Still_Hopeful)I think you should use caution in getting too excited

Yes, I was very excited at first. My reason and caution has kicked in already, don't worry!

(Jabez) He may have felt that you were hateful and bitter toward him, but were you really? Or is that what he was interpreting?

I was. I felt and still do feel, like I am insignificant to him. He chose other things before me consistently and never cared enough about my feelings to allow himself to be influenced by them. The bitterness comes from feeling insignificant.

(Jabez) Receiving love is passive. Giving love is a conscience decision requiring effort.....Does H only give love when he is getting along w/you? That sounds like conditional love.

This is more true since the A than pre-A I think.

(Bud)That took real guts, Heather. I'd like to say I'm proud of you but maybe that's not really a position I'm in right now. Maybe I hope someday you'll be proud of me.

Aw, shucks. Thanks Bud. His doctor appt with the ENT specialist is tomorrow. I'll keep you posted on that.