Sometimes you have to make clear that you're leaving unless something is done, in order to have a guy wake up. Maybe that's what's happening here.
Marital counseling with people who need individual counseling isn't as effective, but perhaps he'll get directed toward IC through this back door. Somewhere early along the route, he's going to have to work on his issues and behaviors. Hopefully, your MC will pick on his traits, and he's got a bushel full of 'em:
Then he says "You are gonna fu@k them up", meaning the kids. (Tried to control you when you showed you were serious about leaving)
He told me I'm a button pusher. (Plays the victim)
I told him that people have been supportive... At first he laughed (Control again, dismissing you with ridicule)
He says I've just been so hateful and so bitter for such a long time and that he has defense mechanisms galore. (Victim mentality again)
I asked him if, with counseling and learning how to treat one another with respect, if he has love in his heart for me. He said "Heather, I am so ready to be loved". (Even though your statement was about you, he only sees how it affects him, as he's the victim)
do you have love to give....to me?" He said "When we were getting along so well, didn't you feel it?" (Needs to learn how to better communicate that love. Though you did "feel it", your question wasn't about that, it was a direct question asking him if he loves you. There's a difference between someone who answers by saying "yes" and someone who turns the question around to you with an "I'm here, aren't I?" type of response.)
that and of course his tendency to become physically abusive, his tendency to "punish" you (I suppose that's all about anger management), how he role models in his interactions with the children, his selfish/unsupportive ways around the house, and who knows what else.
He just has some problems with the way he operates and the way he views the world.
Bingo!
The problem with counseling is that most people don't stick with it and keep on attending sessions, and/or they don't apply what they're learning. Only time will tell, you'll either see real results or not. In time, if you don't see significant changes, you can make your decision knowing that the relationship isn't working and you've both tried.
