Learning to Trust Myself IV

[heatherg]

Hey guys, I'm here. I'm sorry I haven't at leasted posted something small....I just couldn't quite think of anything to say. There is a lot to swallow on this thread for me so far. And I've never been a swallower I still have my sense of humor, see?

I have been in heavy contemplation mode on the inside and I've been extremely busy on the outside with holiday stuff and work craziness. I haven't had the energy to initiate a conversation with H. But last night I did. I told him that I think I should move out after D2's birthday and that if he was willing to sign a 50/50 custody agreement, we wouldn't have to go through lawyers this time, at least not right away. We started negotiating what 50/50 means and in my head I was thinking.....'wow, this is it'. Then he says "You are gonna fu@k them up", meaning the kids. I said "H, this is much your decision as it is mine. I WANT to work this out. Maybe if you would agree to counseling or SOMEthing, we could work through some of these issues we have." And guess what he said? OK!! I about fell out of my seat. I just sat there. I said "Really? Individual AND marital?" He said "I have time constraints Heather, my job isn't as flexible as yours. I was going to do individual, but if you want marital, that's fine". So it sounded like he was already planning to do individual counseling on his own. Which is absolutely shocking to me. PLUS, he has an appt, made all on his own, with a ear nose throat doctor about a possible sleeping disorder (Bud, are you reading this?!).

We got into a pretty lengthy R discussion after that at which point I told him that I felt the way he has treated me has been abusive. I used the word. I gave examples. He told me I'm a button pusher. I said, so what. You choose how you react. You think you don't push my buttons too??? I told him that people have been supportive and understanding of me and that some have encouraged me to seek counseling with a women's shelter. At first he laughed, but that's ok. He didn't drag it out. I think he knows the truth.

He was honest about his feelings toward me. He says I've just been so hateful and so bitter for such a long time and that he has defense mechanisms galore. I asked him if, with counseling and learning how to treat one another with respect, if he has love in his heart for me. He said "Heather, I am so ready to be loved". I said "Receiving love is one thing and tends to easier than giving it...do you have love to give....to me?" He said "When we were getting along so well, didn't you feel it?" I did. I've said all along, I think deep down he does love me. He just has some problems with the way he operates and the way he views the world.

There is so much more. But I'm swamped. And before I get too far into it, I'd like to know your take.

Thanks as always. Hope you all are well. I promise to catch up on you all soon.