I have been following your thread and I've been wanting to stop by to say something to you...
Now, Heather, you ARE a strong woman and NO ONE doubts that...(except maybe you???) but the truth is, Heather, and I say this gently but I want to be clear...your M is abusive. Your H is abusive. And there is no gray area. It is simply the truth. I know you are having a hard time saying that out loud, admitting it to yourself...but deep down I think you know it is true.
When you are in a R where you are fearful that if you do something to pi$$ off your H he may harm you...that is NOT a good situation. I have read many examples here. The one that I'll use is what has been bothering you...trying to sleep in your bed. You are afraid that he may become violent if you try that. That is scarey Heather. And your rationalizing about your kids doesn't really play. You have just as much right to them as he does. He would not have to come take your kids. You would not have to leave them. I seriously must say Heather, and I'm sorry if this is hurtful...but I cannot support you staying in this M. I undoubtedly urge you to get help and to leave this M, and to take your kids with you. I realize that you may disagree with me, that you are afraid to take this step...but your H does not have control over himself and he abuses you emotionally, verbally and physically. And he's done it repeatedly. And he doesn't acknowledge it and has made no indication of changing it. And your children are learning this behavior. Your son is learning to treat women this way. Your daughter is learning to allow men to treat her this way.
I feel for you, Heather. I do. And I know H has his good points. And it's not bad ALL the time. But it's bad too much of the time. And the threat is always there.
I somehow think you will want to disagree with me and I think you will stay in this M for awhile yet...and that saddens me...but I just have been wanting to say this, because I see in no uncertain terms, a very harmful atmosphere for everyone involved, including your children. And I see you blaming yourself and walking on eggshells and justifying his actions way too often...not that you always do...not that you don't stand up for yourself at times...but the abuse is evident and you ARE an abuse victim, Heather.
I'm sorry. I know it's not nice to hear. And I don't want to attack you or make you feel that way. It's important and I hope you will be able to recognize your sitch. for what it is, because you don't have to live like that. And neither do your kids. And it is not normal...it's just what you have accepeted as your norm. And if you are, what do you think is going to be the norm for your kids??
Please get some good help. If your counselor isn't urging you to leave, maybe you should think about seeing another one? Is your counselor "solution-oriented"? Because there are solns. to your sitch. But I dont' think staying right now is.
