Learning to Trust Myself IV

[heatherg]

(BigAl) I have to say I am glad your brother is apparently an even keeled person because if I were your brother, I would have taken a 2x4 after H by now and especially after the mall incident.

Yeah, my little brother is pretty mellow. He can be a fighter, but usually only when he's drinking. My older brother on the other hand, wouldn't even come around here b/c he hated my H. I think he's pretty disgusted with me b/c I'm still here.

(BigAl) I urge you to check with a local agency that deals with abusive spouses. There are ways they can help you.

This is where I still get wimpy. I just can't accept the abuse thing. I don't disagree with the opinion that it is abusive behavior. But it seems to me that the person being abused must feel like they are being abused, they must believe it and be afraid in order for it to really be abuse.

(BigAl) Please be prepared and take care of yourself.

I had an appt with Samaritan House a few months back, which is a women's shelter. I didn't show. Maybe I will reschedule that appt just to know what their take is on my situation. They see abuse every day and I think they would be able to shed some experienced light on what's going on here.

(Sheila)I just want to say that I'm amazed at how you're handling this

Really? Thanks Sheila. I tend to focus on all the 'bad' things I do like calling him evil rather than the things I do right.

(Sheila) Abuse isnt just the woman whose husband beats the crap out of her. It's for the woman who's trapped taking verbal, and emotional abuse and being blackmailed with her children too.

I know you're right. I would say the same thing to me if I weren't me. I think I should reschedule that appt with the Samaritan House.

(NY) Heather, I'm thinking that since he saw your wish for a holiday shot as "you doing your own thing", which we know is anathema to him, and since you wanted to get tights for your daughter for the purpose of that picture, when it got close to the point in your shopping where looking for those tights was about to come up, that's when he acted on his stuff.

Could be. I guess we'll never know the truth b/c H sure in he!! isn't going to give it to me.

Today, his is still adamant that the 'old Heather' is back and that I have been so inconsiderate, acting like I just don't care. He feels completely within his rights to have left me at the mall.

I thought a bit about the 'no consideration' thing. So, I told him I had been giving that some thought and I wanted to point a few things out. "First, I rescheduled the kids pictures so youe could be here. I had to pay an extra $25 to have same day pics b/c it is too late now to wait for them to be sent away. I also rescheduled at a convenient time for you 11am so as not to interfere with your football game. On Friday, when you flew in, I came home first and switched vehicles so that we could pick you up in your truck and not mine. At the kids' school x-mas party Friday afternoon, I told the kids they could not sit on Santa's lap b/c we were going to wait for Daddy and we would see Santa soon. We also brought you a cookie to the airport from the party." He dismissed everything I said and snorted at how insignificant everything was. I said "I know they are little things, but that's what consideration is.." He said "No it isn't, and you know what? All it takes is one big thing to wipe out a bunch of little things". He said that anything regarding the pictures was not consideration b/c it was inconsiderate of me to have been doing my own thing in the first place. Ugh. I can't win can I? So, I told him he was entitled to his opinion that I haven't been considerate, but after *considering* his opinion, I disagree. Then I asked him to think about consideration toward me. I asked him to think of any little ole thing. He wouldn't. Surprise.

Thanks for listening.