Learning to Trust Myself IV

[heatherg]

He left you at the mall before he told you he was leaving?

Oh no, he told me he was leaving.

(HopeFloats) I'd like to know how he explained his behavior to your kids...leaving mommy at the mall.

Yeah me too now that you mention it. I'm not sure what he told them, but surely they asked about me. When my brother was dropping me off last night, we passed H's Dad. He had been at the house. I'm sure he asked where I was. I really wonder what H said. I'm sure he just said "She's at dinner w/ her brother." Do you think I should ask him what he told the kids and his father?

(VJ)I mean, you wanted a holiday picture of your kids - so what? You were willing to accomodate him, but he was not at all willing to compromise to give you what you wanted.

I know, that's what I was thinking. He doesn't like the holiday backgrounds, he thinks they're stupid and they sort of are. But only if you let yourself analyze the pictures to that extent, ya know? The point is, the picture says "It's Christmas time and look at my angels!" Not to mention, that I am paying for everything, I even would have paid for the pictures he wanted. Geez.

(VJ) That kind of man usually likes everyone to think he's perfect.

You are so right about that. He is very much into "appearances", where he is concerned.

(Bud) I'm so glad your brother moved to town.


Ditto!!

(Bud) He knows he acted like an a$$ and I'll bet he'll be fairly pleasant and somewhat accomodating to you, at least for a time.

Actually, quite the contrary. He did not lift a finger to help me get the kids ready for pictures, which I expected. He wasn't getting the pictures he wanted, so....I really knew that would be the case and was prepared for no help from him. I took the kids to the mall, H followed behind b/c he wasn't ready yet. He was going to tag along and be a pain in the a@@, but he wasn't about to help. So, we get there and he won't give me his opinion on what picture to get, he just sits over in the waiting area with S5 on his lap. We leave and he takes both kids hands and they are in a row on the escalator, leaving me behind. Out of earshot of the kids, I told him he was evil. I know I shouldn't have, but I honestly thought I was going to explode if I didn't say *some*thing! We went to McDonald's and the kids played and I made small talk and acted like nothing much had occurred. So, no, he hasn't been accomodating at all.

In the end, H didn't control you. He ran off, you stayed then went and had dinner with your brother. You weren't just H's victim, waiting for him to come back and rescue you. He made his decision, you made yours and you weren't victimized by it. You've changed the dynamic in your R at least a little bit, at least for a little while.


Yeah, I think so too.

Do you see why it isn't so easy to "just be me" when he is home? Didn't I just say yesterday that consideration for his feelings just isn't a priority for me right now? So, although I was willing to do the pictures that he wanted, I was not going to take the lead on it and I was not going to give up on the picture that I wanted either. And look what happens!! Ugh!!

It would be better, of course, if you could have done the whole thing calmly and neutrally.

I thought about this, I actually thought about it while it was happening. I decided that anger has a place in certain situations and this should reasonably be one of them. I consciously decided not to hold it back...my H left me and I decided that it was reasonable to expect in that situation that I would be angry. I didn't go off the deep end or call him names. But I was angry and I *wanted* him to know it. When he called me back to tell me he was calm, then I was neutral. And I politely declined his offer to return.

(Bud) But the more you can calmly make the point to him that you're Heather, you're a parent just like he is, and you're a full partner in your M, the better off you'll be.

I agree. In most cases neutral is the way to go, with no retaliation efforts either. That was why I was calm this morning and made small talk at McDonalds. I was angry last night, but today is a new day and I got the pictures I wanted. Even when I told him he was evil, I said it more to underline the fact that he had just acted like a total a@@. But I didn't get upset about it. Just pointed it out.

(NY)Yup, everything was festering inside him, which he permitted to fester inside him, which he kept seeing as how he's the victim in all of it, which angered him, and this is how he chose to act on that.

And it *was* getting a crazy there toward the end, with the kids having to use the bathroom twice all the way across the store and D2 taking off and screaming and crying. The shopping day was clearly over and I don't take responsibility for that. It was nerve wracking for me too. I was just floored at the way H left me behind and ignored me when I said 'Let me take the coats' and threw my jacket at me....I just kept thinking 'how did this become my fault?'

(NY) You don't even get a real apology, huh?
Nope. I've said on previous posts that the number of times H has apologized to me I could probably count on one hand. He rarely says the words "I'm sorry". RARELY. I wouldn't expect this time to be any different. But yet, I'm the one who hasn't been sorry enough....

(NY)you're gonna hear how it was H offered but it was YOU who turned him down or some such BS argument,

Yeah, you're probably right. We haven't discussed last night at all and at this point I don't foresee bringing it up again. But if it did come up, he would no doubt justify it. Even after he calmly called back, there was a calmer exchange between us, but he still blamed me. It just remained calm because I didn't react. He said I could have offered to take D2 out to the car so that he could continue getting S5's clothes. I said "Ok you're right, I could have offered...you also could have *asked* me to do that. I didn't do too much to rescue the situation but I don't think I did anything to make it any worse either. Besides, at that point you were already angry and mean towards me saying that we were 'doing our own things tomorrow'." I told him nothing that happened with the kids in the store was his fault and that there were things we both could have done differently in the mall to have made the situation better. I said that the family pics were a great idea but that if he wanted that we should have planned the WHOLE day to get clothes. He said "And then you just take off and leave me with the kids." I said "H, I am not the one that took off...you actually are the one that threw the clothes down and sprinted out of the mall." He said "I'm talking about when you asked me if I wanted you to help me get the kids out to the truck. Duh, of course I needed your help. When you ask like that what am I supposed to say?!" I said "Um, how about....yes? But you didn't say yes, you threw my coat at me and said something mean. I'll admit, I wasn't very inclined to help you at that point." Then I basically said I would see him in a few hours and he said "whatever" and hung up.

So, yeah, he has a ton of reasons why this was my fault.

Just between me and you guys, I don't want to send out a family portrait. I just don't. In the other family portraits we have, you can see our wedding rings very clearly. I don't want a family portrait where his bare ring finger is going to stand out for all our family and friends to see that we are still not 'back to normal'. I just wanted a picture I was proud of to be in the cards...

My friend's x-mas party is next weekend. Today at McDonald's I told him that his company x-mas party is next weekend and so is my friend's party but that his parents won't be in town to watch the kids. I said "So, do you want to go to Jessica's party with me because I need to start trying to find a babysitter if you do." He said "So, I guess we're not going to my x-mas party then?" I said "We can do both. Maybe we can eat dinner at your party and then go to Jessica's."
So my question to you guys is, if I can't find a sitter, do I stay home? Probably huh? One of my other friends that I haven't seen in a long time is going to be in town from NJ and I'd just really like to see her. I'm only inviting H to be cordial anwyay, I could care less if he decides to go or not. I just can't imagine he would be very nice if I decided to go without him.
I'm not surprised that things have escalated this quickly. I did say that my new plan was just to live my life, just be me. This is what happens when I stand my ground with him. And, looking back, I think that's why I always felt so guilty and like I "bring things on myself", because even though the choices he gives me aren't fair sometimes, I do know which one is the "correct" choice so as not to start a fight. So, sometimes I would tell myself that I instigated fights with H by picking the choice that I knew would cause problems. What a crazy cycle.

I'm gonna take a nap and rest my weary brain.