Boy, what a mess huh? I'm so glad your brother moved to town.
I think this incident is going to help you, though, at least short term. He knows he acted like an a$$ and I'll bet he'll be fairly pleasant and somewhat accomodating to you, at least for a time. But more important than that, you established some sort of boundary. In the end, H didn't control you. He ran off, you stayed then went and had dinner with your brother. You weren't just H's victim, waiting for him to come back and rescue you. He made his decision, you made yours and you weren't victimized by it. You've changed the dynamic in your R at least a little bit, at least for a little while.
It would be better, of course, if you could have done the whole thing calmly and neutrally. But that's harder than hell. Sometimes I can do it if I've sort of prepared myself for it. Otherwise...well, it's tough. But the more you can calmly make the point to him that you're Heather, you're a parent just like he is, and you're a full partner in your M, the better off you'll be.
It's nice that your brother was in town to get you, but if he wasn't you still could have taken a cab to your favorite restaurant and then home when you were ready. You're not a victim so don't act like one. And if he would have bitched that you spent money on cabs and dinner then you could point out to him using his own logic that *he* spent money on your cabs and your dinner when he left you at the mall! (Okay, don't do that...it's not helpful even though it's true and would probably make you feel better to say it...I know it made me feel better to type it.)
So congratulations on this first step. I'm sorry the kids sort of got caught in the middle. But they need to see their mother being strong just like H does. The more you stand up for yourself calmly and neutrally the better off you're going to be. If you have to stand up for yourself kicking and screaming that's probably better than the alternative. He'll resist change especially at first, so hang in there. Do what makes you feel better about yourself when you look in the mirror.
'Cause you're looking at a pretty great person.
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