Learning to Trust Myself IV

[heatherg]

Doesn't H qualify for a PFA?

What does that mean?

If not, what about taking the kids with you if you go?

There is absolutely no way he would go for that. My H is not typical in that he would allow me to take the kids out of our home. Hell, I cannot take them to McDonalds without him. I asked the L about this and he said that without a custody agreement, each of us is just as entitled to have the children as the other. So if I take them, there is nothing to stop him from coming to get them.

One thing I was thinking of is redecorating the computer room.

I did get a new bed and a really nice Kingsdown mattress. But it's a daybed b/c that's all that will fit in there, so it's just small. Redecorating is a good idea and I've thought about it. I've decided that, all excuses aside, I simply don't want to stay in there.

Buy a tv for his bedroom.

He's got one in there. Who knows why he won't use it. On his drinking nights, he would be coming out every 15 mins anyway to make his "rounds" to the bathroom, fridge and outside to smoke. Nice, huh?

Give all the tv's to the Salvation Army.




You could just start behaving IN THE HOME in ways that are perfectly normal but really get under his skin.

I think this is my new plan. I'm just going to be me. That's all. Just me. Consideration for his feelings just isn't a priority for me at this point.

put your foot down about tv in the middle of the night....There must be some way, short of War of the Roses, to gain yourself a status higher than nanny and housefrau.

It's funny you would say that b/c I did try to put my foot down about the tv and it turned into the War of the Roses. One night after asking him twice to turn down the tv and still being too loud for me to sleep, I decided that if he was going to keep me up half the night with the tv, then he could get up early and take the kids to daycare while I slept in. I set my alarm as usual and then got up to tell him that I would be sleeping in this morning, so please plan to take the kids to daycare. He flipped. Quite literally. He tried to beat me out of the house that morning, he put his hands around my neck, I drove across the grass b/c he would move his vehicle from behind mine and ultimately we both left our kids sitting on the couch and we both drove away. Pretty War of the Roses ish huh? Yeah, not one of my prouder moments. But that's how it is with H. You challenge him, you BETTER be up for a fight. That's what I've learned. Oh yeah, and last but certainly not least regarding that incident, I was not "allowed" to take the kids to daycare for weeks after that.

Thank you for taking the time to help me think of ways to make this situation easier on me. Maybe it's just part of the roller coaster (because just a few weeks ago, I was standing my ground with NY telling him why I wanted to stay here for now), but lately all I can think about is getting the hell out of here.

But, you are the same person whether he's there or not, so whatever he does, or doesnt do, just remember - you are Heather, YOU didnt change just because he walked through that door.

This is so true.

And if you feel any judgement from him, remind yourself that you are a good person without H's approval, and you're fabulous whether or he wants to treat you that way or not.

Yeah!! Thanks Sheila!

I think it's a good thing that you put your rings back on....You should be proud that you're not letting him drag you into silly games

Exactly.

H is home as of 7:05 last night. He called me a couple times during layovers and was quite chatty. I got ticked off at the airport though b/c he wanted me to carry a bag that was too heavy for me so that he could put S5 on his shoulders. Now, how can I say no? He hasn't seen the kids in days and S5 wants on Daddy's shoulders for crying out loud. I was quite irritated and told him it was heavy and he didn't offer to take it back. So, that wasn't a very warm greeting for the Hausfrau. Whatever.

In order to pick him up, I had to switch cars before I picked up the kids.....I think I'm going to tell him there will be no more of that. Not to be bit@hy, but if I'm driving, I'll be driving my truck. I'm quite happy to pick him up and drop him off and do any other favors he needs. But I'll no longer be going out of my way to make sure I'm in the vehicle he needs me to be in. He can make other arrangements if he wants from now on.