All the LBS's here say they want their partners back.....but I can't help but wonder if the WA's came back, would the LBS *really* want them back and do the work that it takes to reconcile? Or would they give in to their natural pulls to anger and resentment like my H has?
Off the top of my mind, I think of Gwyn. Gwyn had a real hard time not dwelling on the hurt when her H came back remorseful. Big time. It kept sabotaging her efforts, even with the help of a MC. Even when things got better, she'd slip back into hurtful feelings and undermined her efforts. After some time, she saw it wasn't going anywhere fast that way but down, and then she started to get act together, and now things have been very much improving for her.
I think what we need to differentiate here is between what is normal, for lack of a better word, and what is not. When a WAS returns, the LBS, though having welcomed it, is typically put pack in a situation where they have to live daily with triggers and fears. That's normal. How they choose to react to that is where you can draw a line. If they choose to face those fears head on, look at the positives and build on them, look forward, practice better relationship skills, that's one thing. If they choose to be spiteful and punish and sabotage, that's another.
You also can't dismiss the fact that our LBSs look for help in their struggle, be it this BB or books or MCs. Our group of LBSs here have, for the most part, been working on themselves and their personal issues to one degree or another in order to have a chance at success should reconciliation come their way (let alone become better adjusted at handling themselves). For many, this has been quite a self-growth experience, a new awareness has come of it, increased compassion and empathy, a new understanding of people and relationships and have gained tremendous insights into themselves, others and the ways of better interpersonal dynamics.
Now, there are other sites where members are there for some length of time, and are still very bitter and spewing hatred and anger and are stuck in resentment. I'm doubtful that they could make reconciliations work for their part, and wonder if any new relationships they form might not likewise suffer due to their negative issues and perceptions and their tendency to give in to their base behaviors.
I think we all deserve a round of applause. It says a lot about us. It says we're not the problem, because we've shown we can change and work on these things, and that's the viable component that proves we're the ones capable of better.
