Quote: All the LBS's here say they want their partners back
Maybe a majority do. And maybe most who don't have left these boards. But far from all want the WAS back.
Quote: ...but I can't help but wonder if the WA's came back, would the LBS *really* want them back and do the work that it takes to reconcile? Or would they give in to their natural pulls to anger and resentment like my H has?
My second greatest fear. First is she doesn't come back. Second is the backsliding we're both capable of. But mine especially. I could give you pages(trying to resist it now) of the ways I could backslide .
My prayer is that we move slowly enough to avoid the situations where our relationship isn't strong enough to withstand the backsliding. i.e. we don't ML until she cuts him off completely, perhaps. (Lovely imagery, wouldn't you say, Mrs. Bobbit)
I think the keys to making it through early reconciliation are go slowly, don't expect overnight changes. Don't ignore unacceptable behavior, but make boundaries, not death sentences. 'If you throw another dish at the wall, you replace it in one week and you sleep in a hotel for that time.' (whatever fits for you, preferably considered rationally and not in the heat of the moment.)
In my case, my chances of finding a BETTER R than the one I had are equally proportional to my own DB health. And it's hard to get better at relationships when we're not in them.
It's incumbent upon me to work on myself now and (I think) FOREVER. That prospect doesn't scare me because I know I only have to do it one day at a time. That's how I manage other problems I've left behind. And working forever means regular tuneups with professionals and savvy friends if not constant counseling.
Is it Gottman that talks about the love bank? Somebody wrote a book on the premise that we need to deposit 5 good deeds for every offense in order to make love grow. I think I probably will have to try for 7 to 9 in order to cover for the inevitable slides back into depression. I like the concept though.
I'm sure that I'll backslide plenty. I half expect that there will be several last calls from W to OM. I don't rule out another one-night stand for W. I just want that chance to try to make it work, now that I know that I can get help for my health, and once/if she decides to try. I'll expect her to commit to working one day at a time too eventually.
