Holy Moly Bud, Heathers' thread is pretty darn interesting to me. Sh*t! I wish we could conference call all this wisdom right now because I seriously need someone plugged in to DBing and some liquor. Yeah, even lambrusco!
Heather.. I'm gonna hi-jack, and it might not be pretty.. so close your eyes!
I read Heather's sitch and sh*t (again!), I see myself in the way her H treats her. And I wonder if his thoughts are as whacked as mine about my H because it's the distrust that things will be better, and the fear that I'll end up here again that keeps me pushing H away. He's not trying as hard as I'd like, but dangit, he's here. He says he loves me, he's not doing the things I've asked but he's doing stuff to make it better. Still, I turn it around on him and use the fact that he was slow with counseling, and hasnt found another job, and I justify the pushing him away. And I read what Heather posts and I see my H there. Made mistakes.. 90% maybe sincere. But, then he lies about a check or something and here I am throwing out the 90% truths that he might have told me, or just doubting in general because I've determined him untrustworthy.
NYS made a comment, if I was looking at his post I'd quote it.. about her H turning things around to stay in control. I think that's what I'm doing, and if it is.. I don't want that to be the reason I'm insisting that we can't work things out. But I dont know.. I want to shield myself from knowing by taking the sure thing.. that H can't do those things again if he's not here to do them.
So, I basically WISH we could work things out, don't know if we can, and yeah, grab onto the ways it looks like we can't because that's the best protection from finding out by taking that chance. If I knew I could survive being in this place again, I'd keep trying.. I just know how destroyed I felt arriving here after feeling so secure with H and where we were after our D.. it's hard to face that again when I'm now at a place that is detached... nahhh.. bitter and walled up as hell so that nothing gets in.
Sorry for the hijack Heather. I so needed to get that out and don't know if I've backed myself into a corner that I'm justifying out of fear, or if I'm to a place where I'm setting myself free from a bad R that could never be fixed no matter how much I give it.
Thanks for listening. Honestly, if anyone has any insight, please share. My thread is over in surviving. I know there has to be a reason why I cringe at how heather's H treats her. Not that I do the same things to H (or maybe, he is sleeping upstairs..geesh), just that the general attitude smells so much like it that that I can't ignore it. I wonder if my H is a good person that made some mistakes and is sincerely trying too. Heather, I think your H is a fool for not giving your R a real chance.. I just hope I'm not doing the same thing over here because I seriously dislike how he's treating you!
And Bud, as you say, maybe I need to view things from H's perspective and that'll make the difference.
